Social skills: How to develop your social skills

Having well-developed social skills is not only essential for a fulfilling personal life, it is a fundamental part of any professional development.

Good social skills will help set you apart. They are employed on a day-to-day basis in situations ranging from networking and team building to taking part in a video conference. "Whether around the dinner table with a group of friends or the boardroom table with fellow executives, social skills provide the bridge between having something to say and making that contribution effectively," says Roy Gaynor, managing director of management consultants' training and support network, Navisys Academy. "Poor social skills can strangle the development of your career and personal life."

Where do I start?

Self-awareness is at the core of developing top-notch social skills. You may think you know how you are perceived, but you might be surprised by how others see you. Are you approachable and easy to talk to? Do you have any bad habits? Look for clues in everyday life at work - do people come to you with problems or do they prefer to go to a colleague? Seek feedback from peers and straight-talking friends. "It may be uncomfortable but it is the fastest route to finding which of your traits are turn-offs," says Gaynor. "And often these are easy to fix. It is normally a question of ditching a bad habit, such as cutting across people when they are talking, and learning a new habit, such as listening."

Building confidence

Confidence is the trait that underpins good social skills. Although there isn't a shortcut to acquiring confidence, you can work on specific areas to improve it especially as it comes across in how you speak, dress and carry yourself. There are no shortage of courses available that address many of these areas from public speaking and presenting skills to assertiveness and improving self-image. Volunteering for tasks that take you into new areas and where you will meet new people will also build confidence.

Relationship building

HR may not be a customer-facing department, but you do provide an internal service and the entire workforce is the client base. Like any good service provider, you need to present an excellent image and provide high levels of service. In addition to networking and being able to communicate at all levels, you need to listen acutely to your customers and be able to build trust. Tact, empathy and reassurance are the hallmarks of the function and are vital components of relationship building. Individuals who are emotionally intelligent tend to excel in these areas.

Small talk and schmoozing

While highly superficial in some respects, the ability to network at events and talk to anyone about anything is a valuable skill in its own right. Being able to initiate a conversation means you are more likely come into contact with people who may well turn out to be invaluable contacts. Some of us find small talk difficult but as long as you come armed with a few stock questions and a willingness to try, you can't go far wrong.

Where can I get more info?

Books

How to Work a Room: The Ultimate Guide to Savvy Socialising in Person and Online, Susan Roane, Robson Books, 7.99, ISBN 1861054513

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R Covey, Prentice Hall, ISBN 0130983772

How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie, Hutchinson, 7.99, ISBN 0749307846

The Trusted Advisor, David Maister, Rob Galford, Charles Green, Free Press, 10.99, ISBN 0743207769

Branding Yourself: How to Look, Sound and Behave Your Way to Success, Mary Spillane, Pan, 12.99, ISBN 0330481487

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How to...sharpen your emotional intelligence
www.personneltoday.com/23148.article

How to...project the right work image
www.personneltoday.com/25533.article

How to...make effective presentations
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Websites

Navisys Academ
www.navisysacademy.com

Centre for Applied Emotional Intelligence
www.emotionalintelligence.co.uk

If you only do five things...

1 Find out how you come across

2 Put yourself in circulation

3 Keep up-to-date with current events and have opinions ready

4 Communicate with people on their level

5 Work on your emotional intelligence

Expert's view: Roy Gaynor on developing your social skills

Roy Gaynor is managing director of Navisys Academy, a UK-wide training and support network for management consultants.

What key characteristics do you need to develop?

Think about people who are socially successful and how they come across. As a rule, they will project warmth, approachability, understanding, knowledge, interest, and empathy, and will have an ability to engage. Look at someone you know who displays these attributes and blend their habits into your own. Remember though, it's about refining who you are rather than giving yourself a personality makeover.

What are the essential rules to follow?

Good social skills centre on making people comfortable. Once they can relax in your company, they will be interested and receptive to what you say. The golden rules are:

- Make sure your face fits. Whether it is a fun day or a funeral, dress appropriately and follow the tone of the social gathering

- Don't be a wallflower. No-one wants to talk to a loner - strike out and introduce yourself

- Ask and listen. Find out what people are talking about and then engage them on these topics - people love to talk about themselves

- Engage. Think about your body language. Present an open image and listen actively by giving positive feedback.

What are the dos and don'ts?

Do:

- Remember people's names and use them as often as possible

- Listen and follow up on their interests

- Keep an open mind

- Stay relaxed and try to put others at ease

- Be interesting.

Don't:

- Dominate conversations

- Insist on wise-cracking

- Look bored or disinterested

- Act or dress in a weird way

- Hang around without making contact/conversation.

What one thing can you do to measurably improve your social skills?

Listen first, talk last. This is the cornerstone of developing sound relationships that, in turn, are part of being socially effective in the long term. Ifyou can understand someone then it will be easier to make yourself understood.