Assertiveness: How to be more assertive

What is it?

Many people confuse assertiveness with being bossy, overbearing or aggressive. Being assertive is simply the ability to stand up for yourself, state your views, tackle issues up front and, in many cases, stop others from taking advantage.

Why is it important?

Lack of assertiveness will inevitably hold you back in your career and personal life. If there are two managers with similar skill sets and experience, it is likely to be the more assertive one who gets promoted. Being persistently overlooked and sidelined will have a dramatic effect not just on your career, but your confidence and self-image.

While some individuals are naturally more assertive than others, it is possible to learn assertive behaviour which in turn will ensure you are in the frame for new roles and opportunities.

Where do I start?

Be prepared to acknowledge and confront your passive side. Do your opinions frequently go unheard? Have you a problem saying 'no'? Are you too submissive to the boss? Do you find it difficult to set parameters or limits when working with others?

It is important to understand that being assertive is not just about being confident, it is also about understanding others and empathising. "It is about understanding what different individuals want to achieve and which buttons to press," says Julian Dawson, founder of headhunting firm Durler Consulting. "If you find people being defensive towards you, often it's because they feel threatened by you. In those situations, you have to understand that it's not personal."

What do you want to achieve?

Think about your specific objectives. List the non-assertive behavioural traits you wish to change, along with the desired outcomes of a range of situations. For example, successfully negotiating for more resources or a pay rise, getting your agenda discussed in a meeting or telling your manager you want to be considered for promotion or a new role.

Speak up for yourself

Rehearse what you want to say in typical scenarios - follow a script if necessary and say it out loud as this will help fix it in your mind. Enlist the help of a colleague or look for a role model (inside or outside the organisation) who can act as a coach or mentor.

When you feel confident enough, practise in a real situation, but choose one where the stakes are low. Tailor your script to fit the situation and people - this will help to ensure you come across as assertive rather than pushy.

"Make what you have to say come across as relevant to the particular person you are dealing with and make the importance of what you have to say clear," explains Dawson.

Stay neutral

Keep your emotions in check at all times. To remain credible you must come across as calm, rational, considered and impartial. Don't assail the other person with aggressive or attacking behaviour, but don't appear submissive.

Display appropriate body language - gesticulating wildly will make the other person feel like they are on the ropes and is unlikely to lead to the outcome you want.

Feedback and review

Assess your performance in each situation and even if you haven't achieved the objective every time, learn from your experience and don't get disheartened. Mentors are especially valuable in the post-performance stage. Accept that it will take time. A gradual transition to becoming more assertive is far better than giving the impression that you have had a personality transplant overnight.

If you totally lack confidence and feel you need additional help, there are plenty of courses you can go on.

Where can I get more info?

Assertiveness at Work by Ken Back, McGraw-Hill Publishing, £14.99, ISBN 0077109910

Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H Bower Da Capo Press, £11.99, ISBN 0738209176

How to... develop your
influencing skills

How to... negotiate

How to... give and receive feedback

If you only do five things...

• Define your personal objectives
• Plan and sketch out what you want to say
• Practise asserting yourself
• Keep a level head
• Stay attuned to your body language

Expert's view Julian Dawson on being assertive

Julian Dawson is the founder of headhunting firm Durler Consulting and a former officer of the British Army. He helps organisations, including BT and Woburn Estates, develop and recruit leaders.

Do you think, generally speaking, that the HR profession is assertive enough?

HR professionals have a tendency to be overbearing instead of assertive. They have been taken towards the compliance end of the market, dealing with issues such as employment law, and many have become separated from the business and line managers. As a result, HR tends to shout to get its point across, instead of working on making others more receptive to what it has to say.

What advice would you offer anyone who is not quite sure whether they are assertive enough?

Consider who your stakeholders are and your relationship with them. Are you respected by them, consulted for advice and in a position to show empathy for the challenges they face? If not, you need to better assert your position within the organisation and with others.

What should be avoided?

Being aggressive or putting your agenda above that of the company or other people. Instead, put time into communicating why your work is in support of the company and of relevance to them. To do this you must make sure you are taking other people's needs into account, be that a need for more training, proper succession planning or better retention strategies, and show that your work is relevant to this.

How can you measure improvement?

In the long term, you and your policies should become more valued and known about at all levels throughout the organisation. In the short term, you will feel more accepted by others and people will increasingly view you as a facilitator and a solver of problems, rather than a source of problems.