June 2007 Archives

Now, I'm not claiming to be Peter Parker, but today has seen me take on a fair level of responsibility, if only temporarily.

With my boss starting a 2 week holiday as of tomorrow, I have been trying to take on board all of the things that I need to do during this time, as '2nd in command' of our Department. To use an example from a couple of years back, I like to think of myself as Roy Keane, to my boss' Fergie (no, not the one from Black Eyed Peas...).

Anyway, I digress. Much of what I have taken on for the next 2 weeks is utterly alien to me, including chairing meetings on topics such as employee relations, and compiling board reports. Apparently I also need to look at doing a 'family friendly policy', whatever one of those is. More politically correct nonsense no doubt (please note that my tongue is firmly in cheek, before any militant parents start berating me...).

I don't suffer from lack of confidence, and am therefore not really worried about how much information I tried to absorb at 4pm this afternoon, when we finally got round to discussing the above issues. However, if any big disciplinary issues or recruitment drives kick off over the next few days, I may well be a broken man by the time my boss returns...

I'm not one for running out of the door at bang on 5pm, but today I was looking forward to it after a particularly hectic day. For the first time in months, I prepared to shut my computer down at 5 and run out of the building with the clock-watchers.

Alas, it was not to be. As my mouse hovered over the 'Shut Down' option on my trusty PC, one of the Director's of the company asked if I had time for a quick meeting. Whilst wanting to point out the time and say, "NO!", I do have bills to pay and so would quite like to hang on to my job (he is not a man to say no to...).

Thus, I found myself talking over potential strategic manoeuvres for HR with one of the 3 most important people in the whole building. Normally, this would make a wonderful change to buying emergency supplies of water, delivering beds, and all of the other nonsense that I often get lumbered with. Today, however, as the meeting rolled on past 5.45, I couldn't help but feel like someone, somewhere, really is having a laugh at my expense.

It never rains but it pours is a phrase both apt for the horrendous weather that much of Britain is currently experiencing, and also for today's events at work.

Whilst there is seemingly enough water pouring from the sky to keep talks of a hose-pipe ban at bay for at least 2 weeks, there was a distinct lack of it in work for several hours.

Yes, that's right. Whilst thousands of people had to face the nightmare of evacuating their homes due to flooding, our workplace lacked a single drop of water. Some muppet had cut through a main pipe not far from us, causing hours worth of headache for us. Well, when I say us, mainly me.

My day included 3 return trips to the local supermarket for bottles of water, arranging urgent delivery of portaloo's (straight from Glastonbury judging by the state of them), and listening to countless 'breach of human rights' rants from the more militant and fanciful members of staff. Breach of human rights? They should be embarrassed to use such terms when arguing about having to use a portaloo and having no running water at work. If I'd had my way they'd have had to cross their legs for most of the day.

One final thought, if Alanis Morissette happens to be reading this, please note that the above is a good example of irony, unlike the various things that you whined about in your hit record all those years ago.

Dear oh dear.

Had my 2nd indoctrination today. It was all going very well, and then something rather unexpected happened...

Our new employee started banging on about Unions. This is something new to me. As far as I'm aware our workforce is not really unionised, though I know a few of the old war horses on the shop floor do at least have connections. It did however immediately raise images of Arthur Scargill-esque rants, which may well be amusing when aimed at Maggie Thatcher, but I really don't need anymore hassle.

Maybe this is a deep-rooted prejudice for which I need to seek help? After all, the only thing I really know about unions are the studenty-type which sell cheap drinks all week long. To be honest, I'm quite happy to keep it that way.

After what has felt like a heroic few days, filled with praise from various quarters, I was reminded of both mine and HR's place in the company this morning.

Did I spend my morning drafting a policy on HR's strategic vision for the future within our company? No.

Maybe I spent it advising the senior management on pressing employee issues? Of course not.

Why waste my time on such trivialities when my time could be better spent moving furniture into a house for a new manager who is relocating from abroad to join us?

It has been nice over the last few days to think that there is maybe a point to the job, that it actually does matter and that there are some meaty issues to get stuck in to. Only yesterday I was developing potential improvements to our training records. Today, my biggest issue was how to get a bed up a tight flight of stairs. I think what grates me even more is that I didn't even manage to do that successfully. Best go and order that flat-pack pine bed frame...

It's fair to say that I'm feeling a little punch-drunk today, after yesterdays marathon work session and another sleepless night.

However, rather than have the usual effect of me staring at my screen blankly, wondering who I am and where I have come from, I have been like a man possessed.

This morning felt like my most productive period for months. With our department audit looming this afternoon, I managed to cram most of the work that I should have done months ago into 4 hours. I'm sure I may look back on some of it tomorrow and realise that most of it makes no sense, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Who says lack of sleep leads to a lack of focus?! After today's performance, which saw us successfully pass our section of the audit, I'm off to an all night rave. My boss can expect to see me turning in looking a little deshevelled tomorrow, but I'm sure by the afternoon I'll have written up all those policies that we currently can't be bothered with!

The next few sentences may well make no sense whatsoever. After 3 hours sleep and 16 straight hours at work I'm not convinced that I'm still functioning on even the most basic of levels.

Much has been written of the amount of time us Brits spend in work compared to others around the world, and on days like today it's easy to see why. Thankfully 16 hour days are a very extreme example of what I put myself through at work, but for others this may be a regular occurrence. There's no way it can be healthy, and what is the real reward? Increased stress? Making yourself more prone to accidents? Management who come to take your hours for granted?

There's no doubt that a work-life balance can be difficult to achieve, but thankfully I think with the exception of the odd day I do pretty well with mine. Furthermore, I would never be able to rest properly if I was one of the many people who have no care for their work and never do anything extra to help their employers and co-workers, as much as mine may annoy me at times...

Patience is not a virtue that I am overly blessed with. However, even the proverbial Mother Theresa of the HR world would have struggled not to show utter contempt for a temp I had to deal with this afternoon.

The individual in question was on our books for a few weeks until a couple of weeks ago, but unfortunately we had to let her go despite her showing some promise as our targets for the month were not as high as first thought. She was very upset at the time, but I did reassure her that I would ask for her the next time something came up. Lo and behold, 2 weeks later I did and she seemed overjoyed that I had kept my promise (as anyone who has the high levels of integrity required to work in HR would, of course...).

So, imagine my surprise that after running around like a headless chicken, making sure I was prepared for her induction, I went down to collect her only to find she was no longer sure that she wanted the position. To quote Wayne Campbell, "Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder??" My face must have been a picture. I asked her to explain despite really not having any interest in what she had to say. She went on to ask me to give her reassurances that she would not be 'fired' again, and that her job would be for a prolonged period.

As I calmly pointed out, she was not fired, but under no circumstances would I ever guarantee a temporary position to be anything other than temporary. There's a clue in the name don't you think?! Maybe she needs to read this quirky article on the life of temps that I found today. It could probably teach her a few lessons, and there's one I'd like to add; never, ever attempt to hold HR over a barrel. You won't like the result...

This Friday truly has felt like the calm before the storm. Usually that would be a reference to my plans to spend the weekend going through various stages of drunkenness, but alas not today.

Next week we are going to be subjected to an external audit, which fills me with significantly less glee than the aforementioned drunkenness. As usual at such times, the last few days have seen all sorts of last minute preparations being thrown into place in a somewhat ad hoc fashion, despite having a year to prepare for the audit. Today, I especially seem to have past caring and so am feeling a lot calmer than I should do. No doubt I will wake up in a cold sweat on Sunday morning and decide I need to spend most of the day of rest in the office, staring blankly at my computer screen wondering where to start with the mountains of work that I should have already done. For the moment however, I will enjoy the final few moments of relaxation before all hell breaks loose next week...

As Justin Timberlake so eloquently pointed out last year, what goes around comes around. Today, that theory was evident in all its wonderful glory.

One of my most disliked co-workers showed his true colours in all their idiotic glory today as he gloriously put himself in a position where a final warning is fantastically inevitable. This is the sort of guy who thinks he knows best, but really doesn't know anything at all. He'll argue points with you when he's so blatently in the wrong that it's embarrassing, and his lack of respect for anyone and everyone never ceases to amaze me. Today, however, his charmed life at our company is so close to ending that I can almost taste victory. We have a strict policy on lateness at our company, a policy which he has flouted so often that he is already on a second warning. Yesterday, he was 4 hours late due to having to pick his car up from a garage. This pathetic showing alone would have given him a warning. However, today he came in to 'sign in' 5 minutes late, wheezing like Jade Goody at last year's London Marathon. He thought he was going to get away with it until I pointed out the time, with a cheshire cat like grin all over my smug face.

This just goes to show that if you think you're going to get the better of HR, you're sadly mistaken. Like a scorned lover, we may have to bide our time, but our revenge will be all the more sweeter for it.

Due to resource 'issues' that we currently have at work (i.e. we have none), we are exploring the possibility of outsourcing some of our higher level recruitment. Many of the main recruitment firms within our sector are coming in over the next couple of weeks to beg for the business (or possibly not...). Personally, I'd like to outsource it all to the BBC and let them do an 'Apprentice' style series on it all. I doubt we could persuade Sir Alan to get involved, but I personally think our Assistant Managing Director would make a suitably intimidating replacement, and hopefully he wouldn't let someone as ridiculous as Katie get so far in the process.

Out of last week's five remaining contestants, I think we have all got people in our companies who resemble the contestants. We've all got a Tre; arrogant, talented, and infuriatingly argumentative. Every company must have a Lohit; nice, inoffensive, but really rather bland. A Simon? Absolutely. We've certainly got very bright young individuals with no common sense whatsoever on our books. My mother would tell you that I'm one of them. As for Katie and Kristina, looking across at my wonderful boss I can certainly see aspects of them in her; a mother who doesn't want that to go against her but feels that because of motherhood she has more to prove than other members of our hierarchy. Like the 2 K's, she is also someone who pulls absolutely no punches.

As with many offices across Britain, tonight's final episode has been the subject of much discussion here. The smart money is on Kristina at the moment, but only one man really knows which way it's going to go. Until 10pm tonight the rest of us will have to make do with debating the finer points of the remaining pair, whilst finding some time for work I suppose...

Workplace friendships can be a wonderful thing, but on a muggy summers day when 2 of your colleagues and friends are emotionally overwhelmed, you can't help but think it would be a lot easier if you weren't so 'involved'...

I won't go into the specifics as that would not be fair, but suffice to say 2 of my colleagues have had better days, weeks and indeed months than they are at the moment, due to external circumstances. Listening to one pour her heart out in the middle of the office today was a strange experience, I honestly believe that if Bambi's mother had been shot before our very eyes there would have been less emotion. Even I was almost moved. As my partner would point out, the only thing she has ever seen me cry over has been football, on 3 occassions; my teams relegation from the Premiership, England's world cup defeat to Portugal on penalties, and the day that Steve McClown was appointed England manager.

Undoubtedly the bonds in our office are helped by having a common enemy; the muppets that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Or, to give them their 'PC' name, 'members of staff'. As a small team there is often a 'siege mentality' that grips us and brings us closer together than perhaps our personalities would usually allow. But whatever the reasons, today has perhaps gone to show that even the most hard nosed HR cynic can have a soft, sensitive core. Deep, deep, deep, deep down...

Today saw me give my first full induction to 2 new starters. Well, I say induction but it may as well be called an 'indoctrination'. The 'new starter welcome video' was particularly eye-opening, I let the credits role at the end just to check whether it had been put together by Leni Reifenstahl. It is a truly wonderful piece of corporate propaganda which only served to soften up our new recruits for the barrage that followed...

It's only when you sit down and start going through all of the company policies and procedures with a new starter that you actually realise just how many of them there are. Many of them can be skirted over to a certain degree, but things like absence and disciplinary procedures need to be gone through in excruciating detail, for fear of giving people ammunition for appeals at a later date. So, excruciating detail was embraced, and hopefully our new starters have got the message that absence, being late, slacking, taking holidays, eating, drinking, smoking, sleeping, etc are all bad, but that our company is wonderful and they should never leave unless we choose for them to do so. One of the new recruits was actually a former employee who thought he had escaped, but alas, 2 years later finds himself back here with less holiday entitlement as he has lost the many days that he accrued through long service previously. Sometimes you can't help but smile, when will these people learn? There is no escape!!

It's smack bang in the middle of the week and wondering through the offices it is rather evident that I'm not the only one in desperate need of the weekend. The scenes before me resemble something from 'Dawn of the Dead'.

The situation isn't helped by a thoroughly ungenerous holiday allowance; new starters come in on 20 days per year, rising by 1 a year to 25, then to 27 if you are mental enough to stay here for 10 years.

Flexibility is also a forbidden phrase amongst our ever-progressive management team, so the opportunity to take time off in lieu does not really exist. While I have more than my fair share of issues with this system, at the end of the day the rules were very clear when I signed my contract.