H aRRgh!!

After a long, hard weekend of drinking and partying, there are plenty of things that you do not need on a Monday morning. Work would feature pretty highly on my list, but not quite as highly as having to listen to a woman, who is more than double your age, harp on about having to wear incontinence pads.

A truly horrific and distressing 20 minutes were spent trying to give the appearance of someone who cared rather than someone who wanted to curl into a ball and cry. At this point, I can imagine many of you are wondering why on earth I would put myself through this. To be honest, I don't know.

Unfortunately for the formerly incontinent woman, who has not long returned to week after nearly 3 weeks off with gastroenteritis, we have stopped 2 weeks worth of her pay after she failed to call in to let us know that she wouldn't be in work for this period. Under our rules, no phone call or sick note = no pay, which is wonderful I personally think.

However, I am facing a tricky dilemma over this one, as the woman in question is claiming that she couldn't get to a phone because of her condition (hence the graphic detail that she went into...). Out of principle I don't want to give her any money back, but I really don't think I could handle any more mental scarring...

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

After yesterday's incontinence based fun, another first for me today. However, this was a lot more satisfying as I finally got to get my hands dirty with a disciplinary! Oh, how I've waited to stare into the whites of someones eyes and tell them they are being warned...

This is usually a job for the boss, but in her absence I was able to seize the opportunity with both hands. I was looking forward to a good old fashioned debate, and more importantly, to winning this. The shine was somewhat taken off when the guilty party failed to offer any fight in the face of the action that they were facing.

Having said that, there's not a lot that you can say when you're being disciplined for absence, and your pathetic record is there for all to see.

All in all, I should be grateful for both the opportunity, and to a lesser degree, the fact that I've been broken in gently. The sadistic side of me really is hoping for something juicy in the next couple of weeks though...

In response to the heatwave that much of Britain is currently experiencing, we are currently having air conditioning installed at work. A wise investment, I'm sure you'll agree. Especially if this weekend's concert to support global warming is a success.

Obviously, with work of this kind, we currently have a specialist team of experts on site. Or so you would think.

Today, a representative of this elite crew approached me to ask if I had seen an air conditioning unit anywhere.

"Why", was obviously by first question.

"Because we have lost one", was the reply that prompted a look of sheer exasperation from me.

These aren't portable desk fans, they are ceiling-mounted units that are about 5 foot in width. How on earth do you lose one of those?

All of this has led me to question, once again, whether anyone outside of HR knows what they are doing...

We have a strict rule at work, banning us from receiving any corporate gifts or hospitality from suppliers. The powers that be deem that this would make us unprofessional, as would anything that could possibly be seen to be 'fun'.

However, sometimes you have to let the heart rule the head.

When offered the chance to attend a major sporting event, followed by a meal, and lots of drinking, all for free, what sane twenty-something male wouldn't say yes, no matter what potential consequences there are?

It has been a long, hard day at work trying not to tell everyone what a wonderful night I had at the weekend. I may also still be suffering a little from the vast amounts of free alcohol consumed. But it was worth it, and ultimately was far more satisfying than the odd sneaky bottle of wine I sneak home from our agencies...

After the excitement of the weekend's 'illicit' shenanigans with one of our temporary staff agencies, it was almost heartbreaking to have them thoroughly let me down this morning.

I got in nice and early to prepare everything for a temp who was meant to be starting today. I say meant to be starting, as she couldn't actually start due to her complete lack of English skills.

Now, I'm not one of those people who think that the influx of migrant workers from Eastern Europe is going to spell the end of civilisation as we know it. Far from it in fact, from personal experience (25% of our entire workforce is now from Eastern Europe), they have been a welcome breath of fresh air. Indeed, recent reports support this view.

However, as all of our agencies have been made more than well aware on countless occasions over the last couple of years, we need to have people who understand English to at least a basic level. This isn't to be awkward or to discriminate against anyone, it's just a realistic view given the potential Health & Safety problems this could cause in our environment.

Today, however, my former favourite agency chose to ignore that. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. Maybe our rules banning the acceptance of gifts are there to stop suppliers thinking that they can take the mickey just because they got you very drunk at the weekend.

Whether it's a lesson I'll choose to learn shall be seen...

Today saw the return of my boss and the swift removal of the power-crazed swagger I've had for the last couple of weeks.

I have definitely become somewhat accustomed to being in charge (or at least believing that I was). Being called in to meetings that I have never previously been privy to has been an eye-opener. It has also helped massage the old Jose Mourinho-esque ego as it has felt, at times, like my opinion actually matters.

So, today, when called in by one of our Directors, I skipped in to the room thinking that I was now the top dog in town, undoubtedly wanted to solve some problem of critical importance to the future of the company.

The 2 minutes that followed were utterly depressing, as he took me around the main office, showing me various stains on the carpet that require 'taking care of'. Maybe it was a deliberate ploy to put me back in my place.

I think the receptionist of our cleaning company must have thought I needed the samaritans when I called up to report this to them and sort out a date for the cleaning. I struggled to raise a smile for the rest of the day and the thought of what potential deeds await me tomorrow is not filling me with a great deal of joy.

Still, it could be worse. He could have sent me off down Morrisons to get some Vanish in order to do the job myself...

What a day. What a day.

Having started off by having to defend myself against accusations of having an 'offensive attitude' towards a disabled employee (who was not even disabled, merely incontinent), who would have thought that by the end of the day I would be berated by a manager for being too 'PC' in my attitude towards a disabled worker's absence record.

This bizarre turn of events came about when I was asked to pull the absence record of an employee suffering with a debilitating illness that has seen her lose a quite substantial amount of time over the last couple of years. Well, when I say 'quite substantial', the truth is that her absence record has its own filing cabinet and resembles the Encyclopaedia Brittannica.

Last year, she was placed on a final written warning for absence which is due to expire in a few weeks. Since then, we have bent over backwards to help her, including changing her job role and reducing her to part-time hours at her request.

However, she has continued to have lots of time off which has not impressed her 2 most senior managers at all.

Most of these absences are related to her disability, so when they started talking about dismissing her I suggested that we would be advised to seek legal advice first. This apparently makes me a politically correct idiot, but they have agreed to hold fire whilst I speak to our legal people.

Quite how I can go from one extreme to the other is anyone's guess. Maybe if they read my blogs they'd think that deep down I'm the same as them, but I just need to make sure everything is done properly. Or maybe the truth is I am just misunderstood by everyone, that I'm neither a fascist nor a liberal do-gooder, which seems to be the 2 camps I'm getting placed in at the moment.

As someone who is young enough to remember their childhood very clearly, many things stand out for me. One in particular seems to be pretty universal for everyone, no matter what age they are.

The memory in question is repeatedly hearing 'old fogey's', as we referred to them back in the day, complain that us kids had no respect or manners.

As a well-mannered child, who has indeed gone on to become a well-mannered man (at least to people's faces), I found this somewhat offensive and misinformed. I could never understand why I was tarred with the same brush as everyone else. Today, however, this part of my soul was destroyed forever thanks to 2 charmless temps.

If I was 30 minutes late on my first day of work, I would be either too ashamed to actually start work, or I would be wholeheartedly apologetic. What I would not do, under any circumstance, would be to walk in and not even acknowledge being late. This, however, is precisely what 2 of my temps did today.

Unfortunately I was made to start them when all I wanted to do was send them straight back out. However, their cards are now well and truly marked, and I will, in time, have my sweet sweet revenge.

Not only were these temps rude, but they have also turned me into an 'old fogey', as everyone their age is currently tarred with the same brush in my evidently ageing mind. This includes my rather unfortunate younger brother, who is just about to receive a lecture in the ways of life and society from his wise older brother...

For those that have read previous blogs, you may be aware that I have a somewhat unsympathetic view towards absenteeism. In a team full of hard-nosed cynics, I'm fairly proud to be thought of the most cynical member of all. Believe me, if you met my colleagues, you would recognise this as a great achievement.

Today, however, my boss decided to do something very cruel. Instead of letting me get on with my usual job of slating anyone not in at work from the comfort and safety of our office, I was sent on a home visit.

After a frustrating day of having to bite my tongue yesterday, today saw a welcome release of the pent up frustration towards a temp who had taken one too many liberties with his car parking.

Having had to speak to this particular temp twice last week about how his truly erratic parking was blocking the main road outside work, it was with great pleasure that I walked in to work this morning and saw him parked in a quite ridiculous fashion.

After yesterday's thoroughly ridiculous temp situation, a replacement was required today.

After being slightly more annoyed by our temps than usual over the last few days, it is probably fair to say that I did not enter the induction with the most open of minds. However, 2 things during the course of the short induction made certain that I would suffer no guilt about any such prejudice.

It's been quite a month for firsts, ranging from my first taste of a disciplinary to the first time that I got to finish a temp for poor car parking skills.

Today saw another first, as I had to take my first occupational testing session.

The curse of our HR department being viewed as something of a 'general affairs' department struck once again today.

On top of the mountains of recruitment, training, etc etc etc that is currently piling high on my desk, I was landed with a job sent straight from the very depths of hell today; ordering a new phone line and broadband connection for a new manager who has just come from abroad and speaks very little English.

A truly historic event occurred today.

After 18 months of ignoring a particular agency after a row between them and my predecessor, I held out the olive branch of peace today, and welcomed them in from the cold.

The somewhat inclement weather has today, inadvertently, caused something of a ruckus at work.

It's fair to say that the rain today has been persistent, and has caused further flooding in the area. As a result, one member of our workforce came up to see me to ask if she could leave early.