Guru

Devoted disciples will know that Guru was recently made aware of an internet phenomenon known as blogging. His subsequent research revealed that the word blog derives from the term 'web log', a user-generated website where entries are made in a journal style and displayed in reverse chronological order.

The idea appeals to Guru, as it will allow him to share his wisdom with his disciples in a more immediate and interactive way.

The problem with blogging is its image. Traditionally, according to one unnamed editor, bloggers have been seen as "w*nkers in pyjamas who like to write about their cats". Indeed there are now thought to be 60 million blogs in existence - so that's an awful lot of soggy nightwear and useless feline facts.

But Guru is now on a one-man mission to take blogging mainstream with his new Guru Blog.

It's here at www.personneltoday.com/blogs/human-resources-guru/ Add it to your favourites or subscribe to new blog postings to ensure you don't miss daily insights into the world of work from your favourite HR sage.

Guru brings you news from the land of safe cars and flatpack furniture.

Those crazy Swedes seem to have stumbled across a major breakthrough that could spell the end for those unreliable recruitment interviews.

According to BBC News, a team from Orebro University have found that people's eyes really are windows to their souls.

Which high-profile HR director (no longer in the post) sat stony-faced, staring out the window during a Q&A at a recent networking event as one of his peers (who obviously hadn't studied the guest list) suggested his former HR department was poorly managed?

Here's a clue - he looked more than a little cross.

Even the firebrand union speaker (who obviously had studied the guest list) had the courtesy not to put the boot in.

Guru was an original signatory to the anti-road-pricing petition on the 10 Downing Street website. Can you imagine the costs Guru would incur on his fleet of Jaguars, Bentleys and all the other automotive exotica stored in his temperature controlled museum/garage?

The idea of having some black box under the bonnet tracking Guru's every movement is unthinkable. The very nature of Guru's business can require deep stealth and the element of surprise.

So Guru was interested to receive a personal e-mail from Tony Blair this morning, telling him why he was wrong to sign the petition, that he had the wrong end of the stick about road pricing, and that the government was pressing ahead with its road pricing plans anyway.

Here's an extract:

Evidence shows that improving public transport and tackling traffic bottlenecks will not by themselves prevent congestion getting worse. So we have a difficult choice to make about how we tackle the expected increase in congestion. This is a challenge that all political leaders have to face up to, and not just in the UK. Road pricing schemes are already in operation in Italy, Norway and in Singapore, and others, such as the Netherlands, are developing schemes.

Plainly a petition of 1.8 million of Guru's disciples isn't enough for this government. So Guru will have to resort to a method of more proven recent success - a large donation to the Labour Party. It worked for Bernie Ecclestone. You never know, it might even speed up the award of Guru' long-overdue honour. Lord Guru of HR has quite a nice ring to it.

Guru was pleased to hear the announcement that Mr Blair is to bring some of our boys home from Iraq, as it comes just in time to convince Network Rail of the need for the return of the ‘Football Special’ train service.

Yours truly is not only concerned about this from a personal Not-In-My-Carriage-Yobs! kind of selfish way, but in genuine, heartfelt consideration for our downtrodden herds of football thugs… oops… fans.

As a loyal columnist of the unparalleled Personnel Today, Guru finds it hard to resist the temptation to point out the failings of the publication's rival magazines.

Common wisdom suggests it is poor form to belittle your competitors. But Guru rejects anything common (common good, common decency, common people etc), so here goes...

Guru has just received the programme for the CIPD's HRD conference. One session in particular caught the eye. It is a 'masterclass' chaired by People Management editor Steve Crabb. And it is entitled "The Seven Failings of Really Useless Leaders".

Come on Steve - you're under-selling yourself. Guru is sure you can think of more than seven.

The role of the bailiff is both necessary and noble. In these days of high personal debt, we need menacing bouncer-types to remind perpetual borrowers that there are limits to the never-never.

A loud knock, a foot in the door and the refusal to leave until the debt has been settled are the unmistakeable trademarks of these reverse Robin Hoods. And if you can't scrape together the funds to pay off the costs of your excesses (plus interest at a high APR) then the bailiffs will rightly avail themselves of your widescreen plasma TV and double-door fridge freezer with ice-making facility.

But Guru hears worrying news that bailiffs and other enforcement agents will be regulated more strictly under new laws announced this week.

The Tribunals, Courts and Enforcement Bill creates a national framework to regulate all enforcement agents, including bailiffs, who are not Crown employees.

In future, they will all have compulsory criminal record checks and have to hold a certificate issued by a county court judge or face a fine of up to £5,000.

Bailiffs will have to undergo rigorous training to get a certificate, including diversity awareness and handling vulnerable people. As opposed to man-handling them, presumably.

Can you imagine?:

"Sorry to barge in on you during Diwali, luv. I appreciate it's the festival of lights, and everyfink, but I'm going to have to take your mustard-oil Diyas and your fireworks. Praise be to Lakshmi. Now step aside, please."

Guru was recently reminded of a 1960s children's TV show that should have great resonance for all personnel professionals. It featured a young boy called Jimmy (played by Jack Wild of Artful Dodger fame), who was kidnapped by the evil witch Witchiepoo. The eponymous dragon who came to the rescue was - altogether now, you over-40s - HR Pufnstuf.

Many managers believe that 'puff and stuff' is all that happens in most HR departments. So let's not disappoint them.

Guru hereby launches a reader competition to find the fluffiest, least business-critical HR intervention of all time. It is called the Angora Award for HR Pufnstuf, and the prize is a rare DVD copy of HR Pufnstuf, The Complete Series Box Set.

Send your tales of HR fluffiness to guru@personneltoday.com or post them as a comment on Guru's blog. Guru will guarantee anonymity if requested, but please provide contact details in case you win.

This is the final week that Guru can accept corporate sponsorship for the Personnel Today teams' entry into the Osborne Clarke Business Challenge, part of the Asics Reading Half Marathon, which takes place on 25 March.

Corporate sponsors that pledge £25 or more will have their logos displayed on the eight runners' athletic attire.

So far the top sponsors are: TCS; Proactive HR; Piazzamore; and Nordic Staff.

Don't miss this chance for a bit of low-cost, feel-good PR. To sponsor go to www.justgiving.com/personneltoday by 2 March. Personal sponsorships are welcome up to the day of the race.

All proceeds go to The Children's Trust.

The runners are:
Boy's Team (This Time it's Personnel) - group editor Rob Willock, news editor Mike Berry, head of sales Richard Bennett, and business development manager Darren Ward.
Girl's Team (HR Cheetahs) - editor Karen Dempsey, legal editor Dawn Spalding, web manager Natasha Leontieff, and staff writer Natalie Cooper.

Ever on the look out for examples of the 'Disappearing World of Work' - soon to be a David Attenborough-like foray into the gaps left by those endangered species who find their occupations washed up on the shelf of unwanted contributions to society - Guru was alerted by disciple Diane to the plight of the black-clad sirens that are nuns.

Guru has always been led to believe that simply eating a 'nice bit of fish' every now and again would help to nourish his not-inconsiderable brain. And that the odd carrot would help him see in the dark - is this one odd enough?

But gourmet chef Matthew Bee (a contemporary of the spikey-haired, check-trousered Gary Rhodes) has partnered with The Training Camp, an IT training company, to launch a raft of top diet tips to encourage your brain to absorb new information and maximise the value of training.

Delivered in a handy mnemonic BRAIN BOOSTER, the ideas include: reject fad diets; don't skip breakfast, eat lots of animals; and (Guru is vindicated!) have a 'nice bit of fish' every now and again.

But disappointingly, no mention of rude carrots.

Click below to see the tips in full...

Unlike the Queen, Guru does occasionally need a 'comfort break'. And he finds that it's always better to go for a 'number 2' at work, rather than at home, for a number of reasons relating to personal cost and convenience:

1) Rolling in it. If you multiply an average six-sheet wipe by 230 working days per year, you're saving 1,380 sheets (equivalent to 5.75 toilet rolls) from your annual grocery bill. At a unit cost of 55p per roll (quilted, twin-ply with aloe vera, of course), that's £3.16 in your back pocket.

2) Flushed with cash. The average flush uses seven litres of water. Again assuming 230 'episodes' (and no need for a double flush), that's 1,610 litres of H₂0. At 0.19p per litre, that's a personal saving of £3.06.

3) Cleaning up. Toliet Duck and air fresheners aren't cheap. Why buy and use your own bathroom detergents, when your own organisation's underworked facilities department has a janitor's cupboard full of them, and a workforce of eager, brush-wielding cleaners? Estimated saving: £20 a year.

4) At your convenience. In the office there are no spouses or children challenging your right to 15 minutes of 'me-time' with the cryptic crossword. Take your time and enjoy the privacy that only a small cubicle and an "engaged" sign can afford.

There are downsides, of course; not least the hygiene concerns about sharing a toilet seat with hundreds of other corporate (often corpulent) bottoms. And let's admit that sometimes you arrive in trap 3 to find that the prior user has done something inexplicable that's going to take more than an extra flush-and-brush to defeat.

But Guru insists the pros outweigh the cons in the great home or away lavatory debate.