February 27, 2007
Ever on the look out for examples of the 'Disappearing World of Work' - soon to be a David Attenborough-like foray into the gaps left by those endangered species who find their occupations washed up on the shelf of unwanted contributions to society - Guru was alerted by disciple Diane to the plight of the black-clad sirens that are nuns.
The mysteries of women have long intrigued Guru, and the more mysterious they are, the more intriguing they become. This fascination reaches its apotheosis in the shape of those tease-machines that always look good in grey and black - if ever there was a bunch of women with something to hide these are the women in pole position.
Much to his dismay, however, it seems their numbers are dwindling as not enough feminine souls are feeling the hand of God and taking up the habit.
The obvious reason for the apparent lack of interest might be confusion over the very nature of God - who, as far as Guru can tell is merely a rival in dispensing largely pointless advice.
However, deeper investigation reveals that to be a nun today is not the tea-and-toast life of indigence that Guru had imaged.
No longer do nuns simply absolve themselves of all responsibilities to the greater good of society and lock themselves away in a great big chateau/castle/palace.
No more do they spend their time contemplating... um... stuff, while all around them seemingly endless supplies of gormless flunkies volunteer wash their feet, nose, forehead, etc, and donations from the general public make any act of any actual activity completely pointless.
No. For while this may have been the case in the recent past, it now seems that being a nun is now a risky business - on a par with being a banker for the Mafia.
Why only last September it seems an Italian nun was gunned down in Somalia
while out for a stroll with her bodyguard. Obviously, she knew something - hence the bodyguard - but even so, it seems a tad high risk.
Then there was the case of the novice habit-wearer was recently hanged by some fellow God-bothers during an exorcism ceremony in Romania - although Guru would like to make it clear that, as the home of Count Dracula and his chums Romania is clearly a risky place to inhabit a convent without plenty of silver bullets hidden in your cassock.
It seems then that a rewrite of the job description is in holy order.
Forget skills at gardening and an ability to shuffle rosary beads; Guru suggests a minimum requirement of grade-1 gun-handling skills, along with unarmed combat and high-speed getaway driving abiity.
Talking of skills, some nuns have sunk so low in terms of morale that they've taken to a life of crime, causing knitted brows among the cop shops of northern Greece.
More than 50 quick-fingered nuns apparently took up a different type of habit to while away the hours - one involving the intensive use of needles.
However, Guru is not referring to a drugged out crew of delinquent nun-entities. It's far worse than that. These nuns have all been hitting the knitting, churning out bad charity shop garments on a grand scale and racking huge debts, buying questionable secondhand crochet machinery.
