Guru

Unlike the Queen, Guru does occasionally need a 'comfort break'. And he finds that it's always better to go for a 'number 2' at work, rather than at home, for a number of reasons relating to personal cost and convenience:

1) Rolling in it. If you multiply an average six-sheet wipe by 230 working days per year, you're saving 1,380 sheets (equivalent to 5.75 toilet rolls) from your annual grocery bill. At a unit cost of 55p per roll (quilted, twin-ply with aloe vera, of course), that's £3.16 in your back pocket.

2) Flushed with cash. The average flush uses seven litres of water. Again assuming 230 'episodes' (and no need for a double flush), that's 1,610 litres of H₂0. At 0.19p per litre, that's a personal saving of £3.06.

3) Cleaning up. Toliet Duck and air fresheners aren't cheap. Why buy and use your own bathroom detergents, when your own organisation's underworked facilities department has a janitor's cupboard full of them, and a workforce of eager, brush-wielding cleaners? Estimated saving: £20 a year.

4) At your convenience. In the office there are no spouses or children challenging your right to 15 minutes of 'me-time' with the cryptic crossword. Take your time and enjoy the privacy that only a small cubicle and an "engaged" sign can afford.

There are downsides, of course; not least the hygiene concerns about sharing a toilet seat with hundreds of other corporate (often corpulent) bottoms. And let's admit that sometimes you arrive in trap 3 to find that the prior user has done something inexplicable that's going to take more than an extra flush-and-brush to defeat.

But Guru insists the pros outweigh the cons in the great home or away lavatory debate.