March 7, 2007
Guru has always been interested in pointless jobs and useless speculation, but the latest 'news' from Nasa takes the absurd to ridiculous new levels.
That's right, it hasn't got the money to search for some things that might not be there and even if they are they might not actually be coming this way any day soon.
Which is a blessed relief as the £519m (£269m in real money) that Nasa estimates such a speculative mission might cost, would eat into the annual budget of $16bn (that's a whopping £8.3bn) that Nasa spends on the really important stuff. Stuff like, sending a probe the size of a Smart car to the planet Jupiter to search for signs of life, sending a probe the size of a Smart car to the planet Pluto to search for signs of life and, er, sending a probe the size of a Smart car to the planet Mars to search for...
Closer to home, as Guru gazed through his 'Dangerboy' binoculars (99p at a local store near you) at a tomato at the other end of the garden, at night, with a light breeze and steadily falling precipitation, he pondered whether there might be life on this small red globe.
He pondered the complexity of the atmospheric structure of this small planet-like object and wondered if a small probe might reveal the seeds of life. He surmised that the tomato universe started with a big bang (or was that bag) and that the planet was destined for destruction (on his dinner plate in five hours' time).
Luckily for the UK, Guru has no budget for such explorations. However, he is willing to undertake any number of pointless experiments for large sums of cash should Nasa ever decide to outsource its pointless activities remit.
Of course, this has already happened and the UK is not likely to get a second bite of the tomato.
Super-boffin Colin Pillinger - a man who looks not unlike the mystery missing member of the Wurzels send a small dog to the real red planet at great expense and - surprise, surprise - it failed to do anything. Anything at all.
Called Beagle 2, the interplanetary craft was supposed to unlock the mysteries of Mars, but its abject failure only succeeding in making a asteroid-sized dent in the credibility of the UK's space 'effort'.
Guru is currently investigating the mysteries of Mars. When he's broken through the outer layer and secured a good grip on the chocolatey surface, he'll no doubt post a report about the complexities of the mountainous region on one side and the eerie flatness that seems to dominate the landscape on the far side of the, um, planet (or chocolate bar).
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