Guru

Guru was an excited guest of Mercedes-Benz World at Brooklands in Surrey this week.

The German car manufacturer was hosting a group of top business people (hence Guru's attendance) at its new facility to show off the site's conference and training capabilities and let us play with some of its automotive exotica.

Mercedes-Benz World is a big boy's paradise - a monster showroom featuring every car in Mercedes' range as well as museum pieces and interactive exhibits. Entry is free and Mercedes promises that no visitor will be pestered by a salesman unless one is required.

Guru started his driving experience on the skidpan and racing circuit in the £80k CL 500 Coupé.

Next up was the GL 320 CDI - a £50k seven-seater off-roader that Guru was invited to drive down a flight of stairs.

But the finale and highlight of the driving day was a ride in the rear passenger seat of a 481hp CLK 63 Coupé AMG being chucked around the wet racing circuit by a professional racing driver.

Guru captured the experience on video - please forgive the shaky camerawork and the audible groans.

Guru is tickled pink (rather than any other ethnic hue) by this picture of diversity in action in Queensland, Australia, sent in by disciple Simon. It's hard to imagine a more diverse bunch of middle-aged white men. Perhaps they should join Guru's band of Wild Hogs.

This photo brought Guru to mind of another picture he received from disciple Jeremy some time ago, with the message "Spot the guy at the back of this feminist rally". Guru is led to believe that the venue for the protest was the Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia, US, which, at the time was in a dispute about not letting ladies in the clubhouse.

Plainly one member was not about to give up the club's men-only policy... Don't you just love the juxtaposition.

What expensive and mind-altering drugs were the creatives at Wolff Olins on when they came up with the new logo for the London 2012 Olympic Games?

It's more than a year since the agency won the competitive tender "to refine the brand positioning for the London 2012 Games and develop a Games emblem and associated corporate identity".

And, 14 months of brainstorming, consulting, "brand positioning" and £400,000 later, this is the best they could come up with.

London 2012 explains (or should that be 'attempts to justify') the new brand in a film on its website.

It claims:

The new emblem is dynamic, modern and flexible. It will work with new technology and across traditional and new media networks.

It will become London 2012's visual icon, instantly recognisable amongst all age groups, all around the world. It will establish the character and identity of the London 2012 Games and what the Games will symbolise nationally and internationally.

That's fine, if we want our character and identity defined by the sort of graffiti-style doodle last seen on the back of a 1980s ski-jacket.

There's yet more post-rationalisation on the London 2012 blog (on which, incidentally, nothing has been seen or heard of Wendy Cartwright, head of HR at the Olympic Delivery Authority, since her last posting in April).

Are you an human resources giraffe or a human resources gorilla?

Personnel Today's HR Directors Club held a networking dinner at London Zoo yesterday evening.

Guru got there early and spent a pleasant half hour visiting the inmates, and started thinking about which animals are most like HR professionals.

He settled on giraffes and gorillas.

HR giraffes can rise above it all. They take a treetop view of any situation and choose solutions beyond the reach of their colleagues. Elegant and graceful, they can nonetheless deliver a hard kick if forced to defend themselves.
They are thick-skinned with a particularly tough mouth and tongue, and can withstand sharp thorns.
They also have a big heart (10kg) - necessary to ensure a good blood supply to the brain.
Giraffes are always on the look-out for predators and sleep for short periods. They tend to operate in shifts, so one can go about its business while the other looks out for danger.
Drawbacks: Sometimes they find it uncomfortable to come down to other people's level.

HR gorillas are impressive beasts, but beyond their threatening demeanor they are gentle giants. They are highly intelligent and can manage complex social interativity and detailed communication.
They grunt, cough and hoot and use exaggerated facial expressions and body postures. They also beat their chests with cupped hands and can charge for a short distance on two legs.
The silverback mediates conflicts between group members, and is responsible for the safety of the group.
Drawbacks: They can drag their knuckles and show an unhealthy interest in their own mess.

So which are you?

That despicable Peter Gold of the Hire Strategies e-recruitment blog has obviously got it in for Guru. It can only be a nasty case of jealousy.

Not content with besmirching Guru's technical abilities and hijacking his blog postings, Gold is now attempting to undermine Yours Truly's highly successful portfolio career.

He libellously suggests that Guru is failing to declare his lucrative modelling assignments to his employer - citing an alleged spot of moonlighting for the excellent, non-drowsy-formula Boots own-label range of hayfever relief products.

To clarify: Guru neither works for nor answers to any man. To take advantage of human resources genius and deep-azure good looks such as these, clients must be willing to share Guru's rich talents. There's only so much wit and wisdom to go around and it would be a crime to limit it to one lucky recipient.

Guru's Personnel Today assignments are but a labour of love.

And the Boots endorsement is a simple contra deal to keep Guru stocked up with Preparation HR (to sooth discomfort and annoyance from pains in the bottom - like Gold).

This is the best human resources joke Guru has heard for a while (courtesy of an unnamed member of the Personnel Today HR Directors Club):

Q. How many HR directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, but they all want to be involved.

Human resources is not known for its sense of humour - despite the almost unending stream of (usually unintenionally) hilarious material that crosses every HR professional's desk on a daily basis.

Maybe we can change that. Here are Guru's top 5 HR-related jokes found on a quick trawl of the internet...

1. Heaven and hell

2. Starting salary

3. Christmas function

4. Working hours

5. Promotion

Can anyone do better?

Regular, long-time readers of Personnel Today will remember last year's reader competition with the first prize of a day's team building at the GoApe aerial assault course in Swinley Forest, Berkshire.

The winners - the recruitment team from AstraZeneca - joined several Personnel Today journalists to brave the high-wires and had a great day's teambuilding, overcoming some personal phobias along the way.

Well, Guru has just heard from his friends at GoApe, with news of their first course in Scotland. The site, at Aberfoyle, Stirlingshire, features Britain's longest zip wire (Guru prefers the term 'death slide') - a full 420m long, and pretty high too.

Here's a taster video (not for the vertiginous)...

PS. If you want to see what happens when you reach the bottom of a GoApe zip wire, click here to find out.

Guru spotted this extraordinary full-page advertisement from Tesco in the weekend papers.

The supermarket chain spent thousands of pounds publicly wishing one of its customer assistants, Keith Jack, "all the best" in the final of the BBC talent-stroke-reality show Any Dream Will Do - in which dozens of effeminate young men auditioned live for the lead role of Joseph in Andrew LLoyd Webber's West-End musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

Britain's number one retailer was plainly hoping some of Keith's stardust would rub off on its own business.

But, sadly, Keith's dream just 'didn't do' - as he came second to winner Lee Mead. In the words of Joseph himself: "Close every door to me."

So, for one young man, it's back to packing customers' bags and showing old people where the cling film is.

And for Tesco comes the realisation that, unusually, it got it wrong and backed a loser. But at least the company can now save some of the money it wasted on this ad by not having to recruit Keith's replacement.

Whe Guru received this photograph, he feared the new Wembley Stadium pitch was cutting up more badly than has previously been reported.

But the accompanying press release explained that it's actually a picture from the Swamp Soccer UK tournament in Dunoon, Scotland (which takes place this weekend 16-17 June at the Hunter's Quay Holiday Village).

It goes on to say:

[It's] the ideal opportunity for anyone looking for an action packed weekend and who's not afraid of playing dirty. Considered one of the fastest growing extreme sports in the world, Swamp Soccer originates from Finland. Already hugely popular in Brazil, Sweden, Holland and Russia, the unique sport was introduced to the UK last year.

No training is required to take part in Swamp Soccer, which has similar rules to football with the exception that there is no offside rule, and the pitch is made entirely of mud! Open to everyone over the age of 17 years old, teams can be all male, all female or mixed. Teams should consist of 6 players but substitutes are limitless and each game lasts 24 minutes.

Players in the same team must wear the same colours but fancy dress is strongly recommended.

Team registration for Swamp Soccer UK is £50 and includes a host of benefits such as a minimum of three games, free ferry travel, free evening entertainment and much, much more.

For further information visit www.swampsoccer.co.uk or contact the Swamp Soccer team on 01369 830000.

Guru has stumbled upon a previously undiscovered way of disciplining those troublesome employees that step out of line in your organisation.

Yours Truly had the unfortunate experience of witnessing a local council planning meeting at first hand recently.

Guru is now utterly convinced the phrase "talking shop" was coined especially for these interminably dull events. The average age of the committee members is about 96, with a few young upstarts thrown in, probably to escort the older councillors to the toilet.

The committee members talk and talk round in circles, speaking when there is no need, seemingly just to hear the sound of their own voices.

Guru recommends sending your most unruly staff members to one of these meetings and, hey presto, problem solved. Their very life essence will be sapped before your eyes.

Planning officers are - Guru declares - officially the dullest people ever to grace this earth. One guy made John Major sound like Lee Evans on speed.

A few hours at one of these meetings and your troublesome staff would have either killed themselves in order to escape the boredom, or be so keen to avoid going again, you will never hear another peep from them.

The irrepressible Angela O'Connor, chief people officer at the National Police Improvement Agency (NPIA), leads a charmed existence.

Why, only yesterday, her life was saved by a packet of Walkers Sensation Thai Sweet Chilli crisps.

She swished into the Personnel Today Top 40 Power Players drinks reception at the Wellington Arch last night declaring that she was fortunate to be alive.

O'Connor had been walking down London's Victoria Street, when she felt a bit peckish. So she darted down a side street and into a corner shop to purchase a snack.

And as she went to pay, she heard a loud rumbling sound (and it wasn't her hungry tummy). A building had collapsed on to the very pavement she had been due to walk on.

What a lucky lady! Guru will be buying more crisps from now on to avert personal tragedy.

It befits every human resources director to drive a fabulous car. There are no excuses for the senior HR professional in any organisation to be seen driving around in automotive mediocrity.

Guru is not interested in any plaintive bleatings from the green lobby on this issue. Sometimes the environment must come second to style.

There are two options for an HR director when it comes to his or her choice of motor. Brand new (less than 3 years old) and German/Italian or classic (more than 25 years old) and British/German/Italian. Nothing in between.

If you are driving around in a 5-year-old Ford Mondeo, shame on you. You are letting yourself down, you're letting your family down, you're letting the company down etc.

But you have the perfect opportunity to redeem yourself at 3pm on Friday 22 June at the Goodwood Festival of Speed, in Chichester, Sussex.

For auction house Bonhams is holding a sale of collectors' cars - exactly the sort of machinery that any self-respecting HR director should be seen in.

How does Sir fancy a modest 1977 Fiat 124 Spider (estimate £2,000-£3,000)?

How does Madam like this 1973 Jaguar E-type Roadster (estimate £45,000-£50,000)?

Or maybe a 1961 Mercedes-Benz 190SL Roadster (estimate £17,000-£20,000) is more your style.

There are also: (British) Aston Martins, Austin Healeys, Bentleys, MGs and Lotuses; (Italian) Alfa Romeos, Ferraris and Lancias; and (German) Porsches.

Guru will personally be bidding on two Italian beauties: a 1951 Lancia Aurelia GT (estimate £50,000-£60,000) and a 1954 Moretti Tipo 750 Gran Sport Berlinetta GT (estimate £80,000-£100,000).

Go on - make the winning bid and feel special every time you drive to work (and remember - all cars registered before 1 January 1973 pay no road tax!).

Guru is no prude (blue by colour, blue by nature). It takes a lot to make this face blush, and even then it turns more purple than red.

But even this shock jock has been taken aback by the utter filth that fills the Guru blog's junk trackback inbox on a daily basis (50 a day on average).

On no account let your mother set up a blog for fear that she will be exposed to spam of unspeakable depravity (unless she wants to be, that is).

Teen lesbian porn and bored housewives are just the beginning. 'Anime abuse' (which Guru is led to believe involves the sexual assault of cartoon characters) seems to be a current favourite with the blog spammers. Incest, nipple clamping, foot fetishists and an unhealthy obsession with putting large things in people's bottoms also regularly feature.

'Diversity' is alive and well in the online sex trade with Asian, ebony and mature participants in high demand.

And then there are the drugs: something called 'Phentermine' seems to be the current favourite, and is apparently available without prescription; Viagra, obviously; Hydracodone, Tramadol, Zocor, Lorazepam; Fioricet; and Cialis.

The excerpts which accompany the trackback comments are always deceivingly pleasant, frequently congratulating the blog author on his endeavours, eg:

A good site, nice, concise content - in all, excellent work. Congratulations!

Good site with easy navigation. Thanks, I liked it.

I love you so much! Great place to visit!

If your own sensibilities have been offended by this blog post - deep apologies.

All of the above is really by way of announcing that Guru is turning off this blog's trackback facility to discourage the spammers (once he's checked out something called "tickle torture" - sounds kinda fun!).

Guru got momentarily excited when he heard about the launch of the Leitch Review skills pledge last week.

After months of waiting, he thought, the government is ready to shout about the move to ask all employers to train their staff to level 2 (full details below).

That was until he dared to find out where it was happening, at what time, and who or what it would involve.

A daily call for at least a week before the Big Day (June 14th, if you didn't know) to the Department for Education and Skills (DfES) press office proved of no use - its spokesperson offered little other than to confirm, on each call: "We are in meetings about this and will send something over soon."

At 4.55pm the night before, Guru still hadn't heard anything about the "fanfare launch" he was promised so faithfully by the DfES weeks ago.

So he rang his mates at the CBI and at the TUC, and then one of the employers allegedly signing the pledge - who all guessed at different times and locations for the launch. One said Westminster, one somewhere in Mayfair, and the other didn't have a clue.

This was turning into quite a challenge, Guru thought.

Did he mishear skills tsar Sir Digby Jones and skills minister Phil Hope personally inviting him to the event weeks before or did he misunderstand that "fanfare" actually meant 'subtle launch' for close friends and family?

Many thanks to Disciple Gareth for bringing to Guru's attention news that TV funnyman Frank Skinner is a fan of this blog.

The comedian was allegedly spotted on his new ITV show Tough Gig wearing a t-shirt with a 'Blue Guru' logo.

Now, while Guru has many followers within the world of business, and particularly human resources, he has an unreasonably small number of celebrity disciples (though apparently Jordan is a fan).

A quick investigation has revealed that Blue Guru is actually a natty fashion label worn by hip young trendsetters.

Guru is not sure whether to sue these cheeky designers for copyright and 'passing off' or stock up on their stylish clothes.

And before Peter Gold goes off on one again about Guru moonlighting, let me reassure him that Guru (sadly) has no financial or personal involvement whatsoever in these products!

On the subject of clothing...

Guru hears that office workers in China are being encouraged to swap their suits for t-shirts in an attempt to cut down on the use of air-conditioners and save energy.

State media reports:

Several leaders of the State Council recently called on office workers to dress casually instead of in formal suits.

Wearing light clothing such as t-shirts makes it possible for air-conditioners to be turned down in offices.

The China Daily has also weighed in with some handy tips on keeping cool in the summer, including, bizarrely, "avoid eating too many cold foods".

Meanwhile, a squad of 22 "energy police" have been employed in Beijing to enforce limits on air-conditioner use as part of a government initiative to save power and clean polluted skies.

The officials will patrol offices, hotels, malls and other buildings in China's capital to ensure that air conditioning is no cooler than 26 degrees Celsius (79 degrees Fahrenheit).

Plainly the "fashion police" will not be too far behind.

Guru can only hope for the sake of Beijing's citizens that the authorities will not prevent the use of deodorant spray cans for fear of destroying the ozone layer. A lack of underarm deodorant minus cooling ventilation in an office environment would be bound to cause a stink.

Guru was saddened this morning to read of the death of comedian Bernard Manning.

Manning was considered by some to be offensive, sexist and racist; but by others to be a necessary antidote to political correctness (you could argue that Manning is the opposite of human resources personified).

Here's a sample of his work:

A blind man goes into John Lewis's.

An assistant spots him standing in the middle of the ground floor swinging his guide dog around by its lead above his head.

The assistant says: 'Can I help you sir?'

The blind man replies: 'No thanks. Just looking round.'

And another:

A guy walks into a shop and says: 'I'd like to buy a wasp.'

The shopkeeper replies: 'A wasp!? But we don't sell wasps.'

And the guy says: 'Why not? You've got one in the window!'

You have to admit - they're a bit better than the top 5 HR jokes Guru published a couple of weeks ago!

Guru blog devotees will remember a post from several weeks back, which referred to a TV breakthrough. The BBC had actually commissioned and broadcast a show all about human resources. So much so, in fact, that they called it HR.

HR doesn't get much prime-time television exposure (except on the news, when it's making 3,000 people redundant), so it's good to see Guru's fellow blogger Mark Crail at Xpert HR researching television's top 5 HR characters.

Mark's list is as follows:

1. Joanna Clore (Pippa Haywood), The Green Wing (pictured)
2. Philippa Moorcroft (Celia Imrie), Dinnerladies
3. Mr Thorneycroft (Roger Brierley), The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin
4. Sam (Nicholas Le Prevost), In a Tight Spot: HR (see above)
5. Lance Bennett (Don Gilet), Dr Who: The Runaway Bride

Mark includes a wildcard entry from a French art house film: Frank (Jalil Lespert) in Laurent Cantet's Human Resources.

Strange - Guru has watched a lot of French 'art' films, but doesn't recall this one.

Guru's Call of the HR Wild Hogs has to date attracted 15 founder members and one groupie.

Membership is open to all men over the age of 40 working in human resources, who are fed up with the feminisation of their profession and want to assert their manliness.

The latest application came from Disciple John, who wrote:

Dear Guru

I am newly arrived in this age group, recently divorced and ride to work on a Triumph Tiger motorcycle. I tend to get changed out of my leathers on arrival, which has seemingly caused offence to some of my female colleagues.

Subsequently, I requested permission to use our breastfeeding facility to get changed. This was refused as apparently it's being used for breastfeeding.

Disciple John

Guru has every sympathy for you, John. These women seem happy to demand access to our golf clubs and private members bars, but as soon as we ask to use their breastfeeding rooms, they get all territorial.

To illustrate the point, here's a (now censored) picture of the flawless Lucy Lawless (AKA Xena: Warrior Princess) breastfeeding in her nice, private, ladies-only breastfeeding room.

Guru had spies at the Ceridian Golf Day at Swinley Forest Golf Club near Ascot.

In keeping with all good corporate golf days, Ceridian gave all the players (various HR directors, payroll and benefits specialists) a goodie bag, which included branded balls, tees, pitch-mark repairers etc.

But one item caused confusion and amusement in equal measure. Just what was this strangely shaped object, and what was it doing in a golf bag?

"Continue reading..." to find out.

Guru enjoyed the taste of delicious irony last week when equalities chief Trevor Phillips was forced to issue a grovelling apology following remarks made about the Queen Mum's colostomy bag.

The normally-ever-so-politically-correct (and quick-to-point-out-other-people's-gaffes) head of the Commission for Equality and Human Rights apparently left an audience in "stunned silence" after cracking the gag that he was told to avoid the bag when dancing with HRH at a glitzy ball.

Daily Mail hacks even quoted one disgusted HR director who attended the function. "I stared at my plate in dismay. It was ill-judged, ill-advised and totally bad taste," the sensitive soul said.

Here's a top technology tip from a human resources director who is often on the road - travelling between business locations.

He suggests:

Instead of paying for expensive wireless internet access in hotels or service stations, simply drive into a modern housing estate and search for a wireless signal. You'll usually pick up half-a-dozen, of which at least one will be unsecure, allowing you to use it for your own laptop.

Guru salutes this man's ingenious and practical approach to cost saving.

But he's not the only one to apply a parasite approach to internet connectivity. Another HR director recently told Guru that she hasn't bothered installing her own internet connection at her three-bed Victorian terraced home, since several of her neighbours have unsecure wireless broadband, and she can happily 'borrow' some of their bandwidth from through the walls.

What a resourceful lot you HR professionals are! Though in reality it's probably considered to be theft or fraud or something else illegal.

Guru recently stumbled across a set of images whilst trawling the internet that confirmed his thoughts about government skills envoy Sir Digby Jones.

They were a selection of snaps taken at the recent launch of the Leitch Review skills pledge in London, which Guru has already reported was one of the most secretive events ever known.

Guru is a long-standing fan of Sir Diggers, and publicly mourned his departure from the CBI this time last year. But these pics show Birmingham's favourite son is still doing what he does best.

It's Gordon Brown's first day as British Prime Minister today (27 June), as he finally enters Number 10 Downing Street to replace decade-long incumbent Tony Blair.

He's been waiting a long time for this day, and it's eventually arrived. Brown is expected to travel to meet the Queen this afternoon, who will formally offer him the role.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, check out this wonderfully evocative illustration designed by Personnel Today's art editor Kate Collings to accompany this week's Careerwise article Spotlight on First-Day Nerves.

The article helpfully suggests three things Brown can do to make a good first impression:

1) Make friends with his team (relatively easy since he gets to hand-pick them).

2) Get to grips with the job (some would argue he's been doing it from behind the scenes for 10 years).

3) Show his commitment by arriving early or staying late (it helps that he lives upstairs).