Guru

Guru's parcel of HR Wild Hogs has swollen to a brave membership of more than 20.

The 'club' - for men over the age of 40 working in human resources - was devised to give this oppressed minority an opportunity to share their hopes and fears as they approach, endure or survive the inevitable mid-life crisis.

Guru promises to do everything he can to protect and preserve this endangered species, starting with a recommendation that they visit the excellent Mid-Life Crisis Retreat.

Click on the image below to enter a truly therapeutic environment.

It's the second week of the Wimbledon Championships tennis tournament and many of the great traditions of this historic Grand Slam event are being observed.

Play has been disrupted by summer rain, mug punters are shelling out £2 for a puny punnet of 10 strawberries, no British players have progressed into the second week, and people are talking about equal pay.

You might have thought that this year's debate about mens' and womens' prize money would be less heated than previously, given that the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club has finally bowed to pressure to equalise winnings.

But you'd be wrong. The backlash starts here.

Guru's request for human resources jokes was met with a post-bag full of funny fare. Some of the publishable entries made it into Guru's column on the back page of Personnel Today.

Others have been stored in the cylindrical file under Guru's desk. Somehow, Guru thinks it unlikely that he has a Christmas bestseller joke book on his hands.

Nevertheless, here are five more HR jokes that missed the print deadline - available only for you online afficionados.

Disciple Clare has joined in the human resources joke-athon. Her contribution to this HR gag-fest is not a joke, as such, but is nevertheless very amusing...

Top 8 'out of office' e-mail messages:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many idiots did this).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

Oh dear! It seems that Guru has once again offended our country's heroic moonlighters (otherwise known as firefighters).

In response to a recent news story about 'firemen sleeping on the job', Yours Truly had the temerity to suggest, in his back-page column in Personnel Today that "firemen have long been known for getting paid to push out the Zs, in between games of pool and attending discos with nurses and WPCs".

This appears to have upset readers of Firefighter Magazine, the publication of the Fire Brigades Union.

One, in particular, got so 'blazing' angry with Guru that he put away his jigsaw puzzle, unreclined his official sleeping chair and wrote this 'inflammatory' letter:

There's cynical, and then there's CYNICAL.

Why, only last week Guru met up with his arch enemy Peter Gold, author of the Hire Strategies e-recruitment blog.

It was a Christmas in the trenches moment. Hostilities were temporarily suspended for a truce, while the enemies shared tidings of goodwill.

One of the many blogging issues discussed was the brilliance of Jessica Hagy' Indexed blog. Guru has long admired Hagy's work and has written about her clever Venn diagrams a couple of times.

But Gold's ears didn't really prick up until Guru revealed that Personnel Today has tried on a number of occasions to persuade Ms Hagy to supply her illustrations to the magazine for a sizeable fee.

Sadly for Personnel Today, Hagy has thus far ignored its overtures.

But it seems that Gold believes he can fill the vacuum and has started producing jottings of his own on pink Post-it notes.

Sadly for Gold, his child-like scribbles have no artistic merit and no monetary value, and he will not be getting a contract from Personnel Today. It is unlikely that even People Management would be interested (and they'll usually publish any old crap).

So Guru is sorry to announce that Gold has not struck gold. Perhaps he should stick to what he's good at - being rude to eminent human resources Gurus. Let battle recommence.

The office water cooler has become the modern-day equivalent of the garden fence, where people meet up to gossip about anything from what happened on last night's Big Brother to the boss's choice of comedy tie.

But now it seems that the humble water cooler has become the place to flirt with members of the opposite sex.

Pressure Coolers - which claims to be the UK’s water cooler specialist - has just announced the top 10 water cooler chat-up lines (how does it know?; does it hide secret recording devices in its water coolers?)...

Top 10 water cooler chat-up lines

The flirt

1) I know water does the body good, but wow – how much have you been drinking?

2) You know, you might be asked to leave soon, you’re making the other men/women look really bad.

3) You see my friend over there [vaguely waving at someone in the office]? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.

4) Is it hot in here or is it just you?

The office lothario

5) What has 160 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper!

6) You know how some men compensate for certain… shortages, by buying a really expensive car? Well, I don’t even drive.

The shy guy

7) You are the only reason I have come here alone.

8) Were you just smiling at me a moment ago or have I put my contacts in wrongly again?

The office nerd

9) Are you busy tonight… at 3am?

10) Can I plug my FireWire into your USB?

Okay - cut! Even Guru has to draw the line somewhere.

Do these cheesy chat-up lines ever work, and if so, who is falling for them? It would be useful to know.

Must go - Guru's just spotted the new girl over by the drinks machine and is coming over all thirsty.

Guru is a huge fan of US cartoon The Simpsons. Indeed Homer Simpson has been an inspiration to Guru for many years. His wisdom will stand the test of time.

So it delights Guru to hear that a little piece of Springfield - Homer's favourite store, the Kwik-E-Mart - is being turned into reality.

Blogger Laughing Squid reports that 11 7-Eleven convenience stores in the US and Canada have been converted into Kwik-E-Marts as a promotion for the release of The Simpsons Movie which opens on 27 July.

Laughing Squid adds: "A bunch of photos of the Kwik-E-Marts are starting to show up on Flickr."

And he helpfully provides a list of all of the Kwik-E-Mart locations.

As shopkeeper Apu Nahasapeemapetilon would say: "Thank you, come again."

Guru is a long-time campaigner against assholes (or arseholes - depending on your provenance).

Not in a medical sense, you understand, for those assholes serve their purpose. We all know the kind of workplace assholes Guru is referring to. Why, you're probably sitting within the vicinity of several right now. Look at them - staring at their computer screen, working out what political game to play next or how to avoid work while making you look bad!

You may even be an asshole. If you are not sure, a previous Guru blog entry introduced disciples to Bob Sutton and Guy Kawasaki's ARSE (asshole rating self-exam) tool.

Need more help? Well, PersonnelToday.com has teamed up with SuccessFactors to give away 50 copies of Bob Sutton's new book - The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilised Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't.

Enter the competition to win this Guru-recommended book and put those assholes where they belong - behind you!

Before anyone suggests Yours Truly has been moonlighting again, let it be known that the blue hands in the new Learning & Skills Council TV ad campaign Our Future: It’s in our hands are not Guru's.

Besides, Guru doesn't do manual work.

As reported in Personnel Today, the television ad will accompany posters on public transport, and ‘goodie bags’ handed out at busy London stations to raise awareness.

The advert is aimed primarily at students. It begins by telling the story of the creation of life, and asks viewers to take their lives into their own hands by investing in skills. It features a series of painted hands making shapes like tulips or mountains.

Employers can expect to see a Learning & Skills Council advert targeted at them on 16 July. This will feature the same imagery, but with a different story. The hands will create the shape of a moving vehicle, urging employers to reach a skills destination.

Just a thought. Will the postal workers who are on strike today over pay and jobs for the second time in a fortnight still be eligible to win a car if they have no days off through sickness absence?

Up to 130,000 postmen have walked out following an earlier stoppage last month after union leaders declared their members angry with a pay offer of 2.5%.

The Communication Workers Union also claimed that the Royal Mail's modernisation plans will lead to the loss of around 40,000 jobs.

Guru, who is suffering a full day without fan mail, trusts that the free Ford Focus cars, which can be won by postal workers who have no days off in a 12-month period, have been taken off the table.

Guru occasionally gets into trouble for crossing the fine line between his particular brand of satire/humour and taste/decency. Sections of the human resources profession are renowned for their political correctness, and occasionally take umbrage at Guru's unreconstructed opinions.

One recent column in Personnel Today attracted the complaint that Guru was being unfair to "hoodies who smoke weak drugs on street corners" after reporting that one applied for work experience (well, it's a start) with the legendary covering letter:

i just wabt to now if icould come and do my placment there with u im doing an nvq and need a placement to do it i will bethere for bout 13mounths i will be in 3days a week and on study days for 2 days im doing it with [organisation name withheld] plz can u get back to me asap thanks

Apparently, people (especially HR professionals) should not mock unejukated ASBO (antisocial behaviour order) teenagers in hoodies, but show them understanding and empathy. It all reminds Guru of David Cameron's ill-judged "hug a hoodie campaign".

To show that Guru is not cowed by these soft-liberal complainants, here's another unpunctuated beauty from a recent job application (for which, thanks to Disciple Peter):

I left llanederyn high school last summer because i was being bullied there for i did perminent work experience in three different locations one of wich were red ballon day care nursery as a nursery nurse assistant.I have been police checked for that and it is clear he other two were hairdressers wich were Errol willy and Ocean.

Not all hoodies are thick, however. And Guru has previously acknowledged the crucial role they have had to play in society from the dawn of time. After all, they are surely the recycling kings, what with their um... tendency to redistribute wealth (usually in the direction of their own pockets). And some even have a role in creating jobs for the needy.

The human resources jokes just keep on coming.

Guru's plea for HR funnies was met with some decent personnel jokes first time round.

And that seems to have inspired disciple Colin to submit three more of his personal favourites:

Tea and sympathy

HR manager to interviewee: "Can you make a good cup of tea?"

Interviewee: "Oh yes. I make a very tasty cup of tea."

HR Manager: "Can you drive a fork lift truck?"

Interviewee: "Bloody hell! How big's the tea pot?"

Designs on deity

What's the difference between God and a HR manager?

God doesn't think he's an HR manager!

Monkey business

The zookeeper told the human resources manager that the female gorilla was on heat, but as they had no male gorillas they needed to employ someone to have sex with her.

The HR manager duly placed an advert and subsequently interviewed the only respondant.

The HR manager confirmed: "Our Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her. Would you consider having sex with her for £500?"

"Well," said the applicant, "I will on three conditions. First: I don't have to kiss her. Second: my family and friends must never get to know. And third: can you give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together?"

Some nice work by Disciple Natalie over at the Work Clinic blog, who has found the web's definitive Work Nickname Generator.

If you ever wondered what your colleagues call you behind your back, this amazing piece of software will let you know.

Yours Truly entered HR Guru into the nickname generator and discovered that he is known as "stinky" by his colleagues. Perhaps at 4.30am on a Sunday morning, but otherwise unfair.

Some of Guru's colleagues on Personnel Today fared just as badly. Three of the fellows are "Bitch", "Sugar Plum" and "Queen". And the girls are "Ugly", "Cheap" and "Sir Drink-a-lot". This nickname generator is unerringly accurate!

But the strangest thing is, that although no one can recall these nicknames ever having been used previously, they've really established themselves since the team used the nickname generator.

Steve Miller, The Work Clinic's resident expert, advises:

Nicknames are part and parcel of business life. However, common sense must be used when addressing colleagues at work. If someone is introduced as Steven then one must assume that is what they want to be called, unless otherwise stated. If you want to shorten it to Steve, then have the decency to ask if it is OK to call them that.

Now when it comes to calling someone something that isn't related to their name, such as shorty, queeny or Cinderella, then I wouldn't tolerate any of that unless the person being called the name has asked their colleagues to do so.

It's an office nickname minefield out there, people. Careful how you tread. Especially you, Spotty.

In response to Guru's blog post on the top HR characters in TV and film, disciple Kate has contributed the following:

On taking my children to the cinema recently to see Shrek The Third, I was delighted to find that HR has arrived in Far Far Away! The baddies, who were about to capture Shrek, were so unsure about his negotiating skills and overly demanding nature that they released him pending a discussion with Nancy in human resources. That's the way to go!

For those of you who believe employees have too much life in their work/life balance, disciple Becks offers the following amendments to the terms and conditions of the contract of employment:

FROM THE HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT

Effective Immediately...

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

HOLIDAY DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: 1 January, 25 & 26 December.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is complete.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

TOILET BREAKS: Too much time is being spent in the bathroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance...

a) all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.

b) if you're unable to go in your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

c) in extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

d) in addition, there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

e) at the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the cubicle door will open.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £200 Prada sneakers and carrying a £400 Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially; and, therefore, you do not need a pay rise.

Thank you for your loyalty to the company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

To illustrate, please see the following image from Unknown Blogger:

Guru was fortunate enough to attend the opening day of the England vs India cricket Test Match at Lords last week.

He was, naturally, not sitting among the plebs, but was stationed in a corporate hospitality box with other important people.

Despite the distractions of free food, booze and dazzling strokeplay, Guru kept his ears open and stayed alert for any titbits of gossip let slip.

Imagine his shock and surprise when one leading human resources director from an well-known energy company came hobbling into the room, spouting a story about injuring his leg while playing with his children in the garden.

Guru thought nothing more of it, until a top union official, fresh from a meeting the previous day with aforementioned HR director, entered with a huge bandage and cast on his hand.

Now Guru is not usually one to leap to a verdict, but on this occasion felt it was entirely appropriate. Both were adamant the injuries were not related, but Guru thinks he knows exactly what happened; and you - dear disciples - can draw your own conclusions.

What dreary wet weather we are suffering at the moment! The current flood crisis is not only damaging property, but also important social lives. Guru had grand plans the other evening, having received a coveted invitation for one of the social events of the year - an exclusive garden party in West London.

But on arrival, once Guru had negotiated the floodwater (that's one benefit of having a gas-guzzling 4x4), it was obvious that this garden was in no fit state for any sort of party, unless mud-wresting is your thing.

So the guests huddled indoors. One poor fellow announced that his garden flat in the same complex was under 2ft of water due to flooding, and many of his possessions were ruined. Guru suggested that there might be a silver lining if his insurance policy provided new-for-old cover. He said he would check and, if so, would ensure that his 10-year-old television 'fell' into the drink, since he'd always fancied a 42" flatscreen TV.

With that in mind, the party-goers headed off to the pub, which is where Guru made a major new discovery. Since the smoking ban came into force on 1 July (and since the weather has been terrible in the intervening three weeks), it seems that smokers have been huddling in covered pub doorways or pub garden gazebos to get their tobacco fixes while staying dry.

This has apparently led to the new phonemenon of 'smirting' - a mixture of smoking and flirting. It's all the rage, and non-smokers are at serious risk of missing out on all the fun.

It was always the case that the work-place smoking room was the place to go to catch up on all the latest office gossip, and indulge in some career-enhancing networking. Now it seems that personal relationships are enjoying a similar boost thanks to a new-found solidarity among increasingly marginalised smokers and the new phenomemon of smirting.

It's almost enough to make a reformed smoker take up tobacco again.

More news on the current wet weather and devastating floods.

Disciple Bob informs Guru that he arrived at his office the other day to find a huge sign in reception announcing that, due to flooding, the local water authority could not guarantee that the building's drinking water was sanitary.

Employees were advised not to drink from the taps or water coolers (which are supplied by the mains) for fear that the water had been contaminated.

Guru fears that such a drinking water ban could have a tragic impact on inter-staff relationships as revealed by his recent blog post on water cooler chat-up techniques.

Bob added:

The company provided kettles for employees with which to boil, and thus purify, water. And - to prevent panic buying - it actually rationed bottles of mineral water from the staff shop and canteen to one per person!

Those that braved the queues to buy water reported a level of chaos that threatened to turn into civil unrest and looting. One over-anxious employee was overheard in the lift suggesting: "The company should really send everyone home until this water situation is resolved."

"It's all a bit silly really," noted Bob, "since there's a fully-stocked Tesco supermarket 200yds down the road."

Friday (27 July) sees the long-awaited launch of The Simpsons Movie.

The marketing hype is reaching a crescendo. Guru has already told you about the transformation of several 7-Eleven stores into Kwik-E-Marts.

Well now, thanks to fellow blogger Cheezhead, Guru has discovered that you can create your very own Simpsons character (or avatar, as it's known in the business).

Guru had a quick attempt at creating a Simpsonized version of himself (admittedly it's not as impressive as Cheezhead's own efforts), and this is the result.

Sadly, Springfield does not seem to allow its characters to have blue skin. It's a kind of anti-blue racism, but Guru will let it lie - provided Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation express delivers some tickets for the London premiere ASAP.

Meanwhile, Guru is always pleased to get to know his disciples better. So create your own Simpsons 'avatar' and e-mail the result to guru@personneltoday.com.

PS. You can also Simpsonize a photograph of yourself - to see how Simpsons creator Matt Groening and his fellow cartoonists would represent you in the show.

For every husband who worries about his wife's absurd ability to spend exorbitant amounts of money, here is some inspiration from a fellow shopping widower.

This extraordinary letter (supposedly from the K-mart store in Reno, Nevada) details the activities of a man driven to extreme measures to get his wife banned from her favourite shop.

Guru needs offer no further advice! However, for an illustration of the difference between men and women that might help to explain the above situation, please see the following diagram...

Guru can just about bear Harry Potter-mania among pre-teens. He can vaguely accept kids falling for JK Rowling and publisher Bloomsbury's marketing hype about the new book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

After all, kids aren't reading enough these days, what with the competing demands of the Playstation 3, Xbox, Nintendo Wii, alcopops, childhood obesity and underage sex.

And frankly, anti-role model Victoria Beckham's recent assertion that she's never read a book should make every parent in the land encourage their offspring to pick up a paperback (hardbacks are a book-industry-devised rip-off) of any sort.

It's probably too much to ask for more than that, though by the age of 13, a young Guru was already ploughing his way through classic fiction from Char