Guru

Transylvanian transaction

Q. If you had a gun with 2 silver bullets, a vampire, a werewolf and an HR manager, who would you shoot?

A. The HR manager twice; just to be sure.

Disciple John

HR humiliation

Bill, a mature human resources manager is nearly 65 and visits his pension office office to sort
out his retirement scheme. The desk clerk asks for his birth certificate, but Bill admits he's left it at home.

"Tell you what," says the clerk. "Take your shirt off and let's have a look at your chest."

Bill does he is told, and shows a fine display of silver chest hair.

The clerk says: "That's good enough for me, I think we can safely say you're 65. I'll sort everything out from here."

Bill relays this story to his wife when he gets home.

"Pity," she says, "you didn't think to drop your trousers and claim an incapacity allowance at the same time."

Disciple Phil

Personnel problems

A long-serving assistant personnel manager shared an office with his boss for 20 years. He was always puzzled by the fact that every time the boss was about to sign a letter he would slide open the top drawer of his desk, peer in, and then slide it shut before picking up his pen and appending his signature.

Eventually his boss retired and he was elevated to personnel manager. His curiosity could be contained no longer.

He slid open the drawer and there, stuck to the bottom was a piece of paper, blank except for the line: "2 Ns and one L."

Disciple David

Balloon debate

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are 51º21,32.87 degrees north latitude and 0º21,32.87 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an IT specialist," said the balloonist.

" I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded: "You must be in HR."

"I am, "replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Disciple Chris

Bird-brained employment law

Q: What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

A: One means against the law and the other is a sick bird!

(Great for getting employment lawyers furrowing their brows!)

Disciple Clare

Keep 'em coming...