Guru

What dreary wet weather we are suffering at the moment! The current flood crisis is not only damaging property, but also important social lives. Guru had grand plans the other evening, having received a coveted invitation for one of the social events of the year - an exclusive garden party in West London.

But on arrival, once Guru had negotiated the floodwater (that's one benefit of having a gas-guzzling 4x4), it was obvious that this garden was in no fit state for any sort of party, unless mud-wresting is your thing.

So the guests huddled indoors. One poor fellow announced that his garden flat in the same complex was under 2ft of water due to flooding, and many of his possessions were ruined. Guru suggested that there might be a silver lining if his insurance policy provided new-for-old cover. He said he would check and, if so, would ensure that his 10-year-old television 'fell' into the drink, since he'd always fancied a 42" flatscreen TV.

With that in mind, the party-goers headed off to the pub, which is where Guru made a major new discovery. Since the smoking ban came into force on 1 July (and since the weather has been terrible in the intervening three weeks), it seems that smokers have been huddling in covered pub doorways or pub garden gazebos to get their tobacco fixes while staying dry.

This has apparently led to the new phonemenon of 'smirting' - a mixture of smoking and flirting. It's all the rage, and non-smokers are at serious risk of missing out on all the fun.

It was always the case that the work-place smoking room was the place to go to catch up on all the latest office gossip, and indulge in some career-enhancing networking. Now it seems that personal relationships are enjoying a similar boost thanks to a new-found solidarity among increasingly marginalised smokers and the new phenomemon of smirting.

It's almost enough to make a reformed smoker take up tobacco again.