Guru

Thanks to Disciple Anita for this contribution towards Guru's quest for the best HR jokes.

It's not a joke, as such, but an amusing parable on the modern age.

Memo From Human Resources Re Political Correctness

It has come to our attention that some members of staff are making politically incorrect comments to fellow employees, and even business contacts. Detailed below are some general guidelines in this matter, together with a glossary of politically correct terms.

Staff are asked to assess the group of people they are speaking with make some effort to gauge who might be offended by what.

If employees insist on cracking jokes, they should select only jokes that seem appropriate for the group in question. Avoid racial, ethnic, sexual or any other type of humour that may make certain audience members feel uncomfortable. The company will no longer accept the excuse that your immediate line manager was the one who told you the joke in the first place.

Staff are asked to make an extra effort to be politically correct around people they have not met before, especially potential new clients and future employees of the company.

Politically Correct Glossary of Terms

Please note that you should not describe an employee as 'lazy'. The person concerned should be referred to as 'motivationally deficient'.

Someone does not 'fail' - they 'acheive a deficiency'.

Colleagues are not 'dishonest' - they are 'ethically disoriented'.

Please do not use the word 'wrong' - try 'differently logical'.

Instead of 'ugly', try saying 'cosmetically different'.

For 'unemployed', say 'involuntarily leisured'.

Also...

Dead = living impaired

Miser = negative saver

Ignorant = knowledge-based non-possessor

Unsophisticated = socially malformed

Some of our male colleagues have complained of being referred to in a politically incorrect manner, and staff are asked to adhere to the following:

A male member of staff does not have 'a fat beer gut'. He has developed a 'liquid grain storage facility'.

He does not 'sleep around', he is merely 'horizontally over-generous'.

He is not a 'cradle snatcher', but simply prefers 'generationally differential relationships'.

He does not 'stink', he suffers from 'hygiene aversion syndrome'.

He is not a 'groping pervert', but merely suffers from 'compulsive hand movement disorder'.

He does not tell 'endless, boring, unfunny jokes', but is simply 'humourly over-confident'.

He doesn't 'eat like a pig', but has 'reverse bulimia'.

And finally, staff should be respectful when speaking to female colleagues too:

Please note that a female staffer is not a 'moaner', she is merely 'vocally unappreciative'.

She does not have 'breast implants', but is 'medically enhanced'.

She is not a 'nag', she simply becomes 'orally repetitive'.

Thank you for your co-operation.