Guru

Human resources is very clever at reinventing itself. In recent decades the function has evolved from welfare to personnel to human resources and beyond.

And, of course, HR job titles have changed in line with this transformation. Doesn't HR just love its special job titles! Makes it sound terribly strategic and important (which, of course, it is, Guru hastens to add).

You only need to browse the latest jobs on offer on the new PersonnelTodayJobs recruitment site to realise what a diverse profession HR is - in terms of its job titles at least.

'Personnel' remains the term of choice in many public sector HR departments, and indeed at Tesco, where former group personnel director Clare Chapman insisted on using the term because "staff don't know what human resources means".

Earlier this year, the Royal Navy rebranded its HR professionals as 'personnel logisticians'.

Human resources assistant/officer/adviser/manager/director are the preferred job titles in the public sector, but further rebranding is afoot.

Several HR directors have changed the wording on their office doors to 'chief people officer' in line with CEO, CFO etc.

And Guru has come across several 'HR leaders' - which unfortunately brings shamed rock star Gary Glitter to mind.

But the latest HR job title to sneak on to the scene appears on the business card of one Genevieve Glover at AEG Europe, who works under the job title 'human solutions director'. Guru is sure she is a lovely lady, but... yuck - the job title stinks!

Can anyone beat 'human solutions director' for nausia-factor?

Surely a human solution is what you get if you drop a person into a vat of nitrochloric acid.

Guru has rather enjoyed the recent debate questioning whether employers should ban Facebook in offices up and down the land. It brings a certain sense of deja vu and makes him feel even wiser than he already knows he is.

It reminds him of numerous other dilemmas that have engulfed the workplace since computers were introduced. Personal emails, online shopping, 'web chats', why, even Minesweeper and Solitaire have been known to distract otherwise diligent employees from business-critical tasks.

Guru hates to be cruel, but... oh, alright he loves to be cruel, so...

...check out this press release from Ten Alps Events and see if you think it rings true:

Due to the popularity of our Innovation in Public Services conference being held at the Holiday Inn, Regents Park, London [foyer pictured below] on 19 September, we only have a few delegate places still available.

At this stage we are offering these places at the reduced rate of £95.

Now Guru is no economist, but he does understand the basics of supply and demand theory. If your event is so popular that you "only have a few places left", surely you hold your prices at rate card to squeeze out every last drop of profitability.

Offering a reduced rate "due to the popularity of..." makes no sense at all.

Unless... well, you draw your own conclusions.

Having been so cruel, now it's time to be kind. So here's the rest of the blurb on the Innovation in Public Services conference and some contact details in case you want to take Ten Alps up on its counter-intuitive discount offer:

If you're interested in meeting and networking with key stakeholders from both industry and government to discuss the progress of innovation in public service delivery and to gain an insight into future policy and strategic development, this is an ideal opportunity.

To confirm your place at the reduced rate please contact our delegate manager Alexis Guntrip with your details on 0161 832 6000 or via email alexis.guntrip@tenalpsevents.com

Thank you to Disciple Gary for tipping Guru off about a new product that might help thousands of women boost their... er... confidence without expensive plastic surgery.

F-Cup cookies are a Japanese invention that, the manufacturer claims (and it is a big claim), will increase the size of ladies' breasts.

The pseudo science suggests that all the fat within the F-Cup cookies goes straight to the chest area (rather than to the buttocks, as with any other biscuit).

Simply eat two F-Cup cookies a day to achieve bigger boobs. They (the cookies, that is) come in packs of 4 costing ¥290 (£1.24 at current prices) and each cookie contains 50mg of the "miracle breast enlarging herb Pueraria Mirifica".

Disciple Gary makes some interesting human resources and workplace-related observations about F-Cup cookies

1. These cookies could be well worth bringing into the office in lieu of birthday cakes. Stripped of their wrappers, no one would know of their powers until they had done their magic upon your female colleagues.

2. Might F-Cup cookies prompt an increase in gender reassignment applications, especially if unknowing male workers over-indulge?

3. Would there be the possibility of litigation from a disgruntled employee complaining of an unwanted increase in chest mass, and would the HR department be called upon to judge whether there had actually been any tissue growth?

Guru has previously advised that office snack etiquette is a minefield. Now he finds out it's also a booby trap!

The Rugby World Cup kicks off this weekend with hosts France playing the tournament opener against Argentina in Saint Denis.

Can defending world champions England retain the Webb Ellis Cup in the face of daunting challenges from pre-tournament favourites New Zealand (8-13), France (7-1), South Africa (8-1) and Australia (12-1)? Guru certainly hopes so.

But even before a strangely shaped ball has been kicked, it seems there is trouble brewing over the All Black's Haka ritual.

It seems, according to Disciple Roger, that some of the other competing nations claim the Haka gives New Zealand an unfair psychological advantage, and are demanding their own pre-match displays.

The International Rugby Board (IRB) has apparently caved into these demands, and will allow all nations to express themselves on the pitch before each game. Click here to read the IRB's "press release".

Guru can't help thinking that this is simply pandering to national stereotyping and casual racism, distances himself from the content and wants no part in the ensuing outcry!

Guru can sympathise with the people of Italy and opera lovers worldwide over the sad death of Luciano Pavarotti.

He knows what it's like to lose a tenner!

It's just a hunch at this stage, but Guru is prepared to stick his neck out and declare that new car sales are slowing dramatically.

Guru is basing this theory on nothing more than small-sample observation, but nevertheless he is confident in his prediction. We'll have to wait until the Society of Motor Manufacturers & Traders (SMMT) publishes its September new car registration figures to confirm or refute Guru's assertion.

The SMMT currently reports that total year-to-date registrations are up 2.2% to 1,521,225 units.

But, one week into September, Guru hasn't seen the usual influx of new-registration cars. Since the "57" number plates came into existence on 1 September, Guru has counted just half a dozen shiny cars and vans bearing the new digits.

Statistically, Guru's observations don't add up to a crisis for the British motor retail trade, but Yours Truly is willing to make a small wager that there is trouble ahead for the country's car dealers.

Guru had the intense displeasure of wasting some of his valuable time in the company of an extremely dull HR director recently (sorry folks, no names).

Not only was he boring, but he loved the sound of his own voice and plainly believed that Guru was fascinated by every bigoted and plainly wrong opinion he so willingly shared about human resources, the world of work and society in general.

How do such people go through their lives unscathed and rise to positions of great influence and seniority? Who is thinking 'these guys will be good for our organisation' and promoting the idiots?

Now Guru has learned enough social niceties down the years (and spent enough time in the company of bores) to know how to handle these situations without causing offence to said dim-wits.

But his recent, gruelling experience with Mr Tedious has forced a change of heart. From this moment on, Guru is launching his own personal campaign to 'Ditch the Dullard'.

Disciple Sue has gone and got all excited about one of Guru's articles in last week's Personnel Today entitled 'Nutty way to treat migrant workers'.

The piece centred on the despicable activities of gangmasters in Cornwall, who deprived Bulgarian workers of their pay for 35 days. The immigrants were forced to forage for potatios and courgettes to survive.

Guru simply wondered what the world's most famous Bulgarian and head of the Wombles, Great Uncle Bulgaria (pictured, centre), would think of the situation.

Sue responded:

Guru, I was alarmed at your mention of Great Uncle Bulgaria. Not because I find Wombles particularly alarming in themselves, but because I suddenly realised the extent of the exploitation of migrant workers.

Is the Wombles an overlooked political comment on migrant workers across the decades?

Wasn't Great Uncle Bulgaria - and indeed his extended Womblish family - employed in the tidying of rubbish on the bleak and windswept Wimbledon Common? I had always assumed (naively) that this was through choice, and that the Wombles were before-their-time pioneers of recycling and waste management.

Now, thanks to your article, I am appraised of their true status. Eastern European, South American and heaven-knows-where-else hairy migrant workers forced to pick litter at the hands of a greedy Womblemaster, scrabbling on hands and knees to earn sufficient nuts for Madam Cholet to make a roast.

We must act. We must set up a Womble rights movement... I have it! Stop Womble Exploitation Action Taskforce (SWEAT). Would you like to join?

Guru can't help thinking that Sue needs more help than the migrant workers.

On the day when Portuguese police investigating the disappearance of four-year-old Madeleine McCann were due to hand over their copious files to the country's prosecutors, there has been understandable media speculation into the alleged involvement of her parents Gerry and Kate McCann.

Fortunately for Londoners, their local paper, the Evening Standard has today provided a beacon of clarity through the miasma of allegation, claim and counter-claim about the missing toddler.

It reports on its front page the definitive conclusion from a "veteran of murder investigations".

"They didn't do it," says former BBC Crimewatch presenter Nick Ross.

Well that settles it, then.

While watching TV last night, Guru was delighted to discover that Volkswagen has taken its Midlife Crisis Retreat viral marketing campaign mainstream with a television advert.

The campaign for the VW Passat car - discovered and posted on this very blog by Guru in July - is quite simply a work of genius.

Guru urges you to click on the image below to enter a truly therapeutic environment.

Here is proof (if proof were needed) that Guru was right to surmise that the Innovation in Public Services conference is not quite the success its organisers claim.

Here is the latest communication from Ten Alps Events.

Free entry offer to attend Innovation in Public Services 2007, 19 September, London

Due to a number of late cancellations we would like offer you free entry to attend the 'Innovation in Public Services 2007' conference and exhibition taking place on 19 September at the Holiday Inn, Regents Park, London...

To take advantage of this free offer please email your contact details to mike.agnew@tenalpsevents.com or you can register via the event website.

In the space of a week, they've moved from "we're reducing prices because of demand" to "we're giving away free places because of cancellations" - and they're fooling no one!

Clear use of language is an important skill for anyone hoping to communicate essential messages - whether they are human resources professionals, journalists or indeed gurus.

So Guru was delighted to be reminded (by a comment on Flip Chart Fairy Tales) of the existence of a readability tool, which rates a piece of text according to its 'fogginess' - the more foggy the article, the less readable it is.

Called the Gunning Fog Index, it works out the readability of text based on the number of words per sentence and the incidence of words of more than three syllables.

According to Wikipedia, texts that are designed for a wide audience generally require a fog index of less than 12, the reading level of a US high-school senior.

Flip Chart commenter Jonathan, who is obviously not a fan of HR, said:

[Have you] ever checked Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development (CIPD) documents using the fog index of readability? They are off the scale.

Check your own documents using the Gunning Fog Index to see how foggy you are.

By way of example, this blog post scores 9.1. Guru will await his Plain English Campaign Crystal Mark, (incidentally, Jonathan, the CIPD claims to have been granted a Crystal Mark for its use of plain English).

Thanks to the XpertHR blog for reminding Guru that today (14 September) is the ever-popular Take Your Dog To Work Day.

Ever-popular with nutcases and fruitcakes and people who are soft in the head, that is.

Earlier this year, Guru ran a competition in Personnel Today and on this very blog to discover the fluffiest-ever HR initiative.

A pile of human resources fluff worthy of any people-friendly belly button quickly built up in Guru's in-tray as he searched for the winner of his inaugural Angora Award for HR Pufnstuf (named after the 1960s kids TV show).

Disciple Steve nominated the almost ubiquitous 'Dress-Down Friday' for the prize.

"Surely this is HR's least business-critical contribution to the workplace," he said. "It makes the office look like a student union and encourages slovenliness."

Disciple Judy offered 'Duvet Days' as her organisation's cuddly contribution to business failure.

"Don't associate yourself with this doubtless American-inspired nonsense," she warned. "It's a slackers' charter."

But Guru awarded the prize - a rare DVD box set of all 17 episodes of HR Pufnstuf - to disciple Kate. She suggested the extraordinarily furry 'Take Your Dog to Work Day' as the fluffiest example of HR puff.

"Now a regular fixture in the pet-lover's calendar, every September, soft employees up and down the country plead with their managers to allow them to bring Fido to work," she says. "You think things grind to a standstill when someone brings a baby into the office? Try introducing a puppy - it's chaos."

Guru concurs. And in case you doubt the reality of this phenomenon, check out the Take Your Dog to Work Day website, complete with moronic celebrity endorsements, including 'actress' Amanda Holden, who opines:

"It's really hard for [dogs] to be left at home for hours at a time [begging the question...]. And anything that reduces stress at work has got to be a good idea for everyone."

Thanks for your deep insight into the world of workplace wellbeing, Amanda.

Guru and his colleagues from Personnel Today are this week making their annual pilgrimage to the Chartered Instutute of Personnel & Development's (CIPD) Annual Conference and Exhibition in Harrogate.

The CIPD is marketing this year's human resources 'extravaganza' as:

...the learning and networking event of the year for people management and development professionals.

Attend and you will get up to date on the hottest issues in HR. Get fresh ideas and practical solutions to tackle the challenges you are facing in:

organisational development
talent management
reward
resourcing and recruitment
managing change
leadership
employee engagement
strategy and management
innovation
improving performance
global perspective
the future of HR.

Whether you want to hear the latest thinking from high-profile academics, be stimulated by thought-leaders, hear from leading HR practitioners or want practical guidance, our diverse programme offers everything you need.

Five of the leading thinkers from the world of HR and business will focus on the key issues impacting on organisations now and in the future. Hear from [speakers] Greg Dyke, Sir Gerry Robinson, Lynda Gratton, Claire Chapman and Neil Roden.

Of course Harrogate ain't the show it used to be, both in terms of reputation and contribution to the CIPD's coffers (Guru has this from a very reliable source).

Talk about naked opportunism! Angel Services Group has just employed a handsome young black fellow who happens to play a bit of golf.

And it didn't take long for the company to draft and send out the following press release:

Golfer tees off on a new career with Angel

Despite looking strikingly similar to Tiger Woods, Simon Gardner has only ever been mistaken for a relative of the world’s greatest golfer.

The 26-year-old is happiest on a golf course but has just started a new job with recruitment consultancy Angel Services Group.

And he can see many parallels between his number one passion and his chosen career.

Simon, from Birmingham, has an impressive single figure handicap of nine and plays at least twice a week at courses across the Midlands.

He is based at Angel Services Group’s new head office in Brindleyplace, where his similarity to Tiger Woods was spotted recently.

“I can see why people see a resemblance and I was once asked if I was related to Tiger when I was on a golf course,” he said.

“In many ways it is similar to my new job, because there are lots of obstacles to be overcome, so it is your mindset and how you tackle them that makes the difference."

Angel Services Group recruits for management and board level permanent positions throughout the UK and was set up in Walsall five years ago.

Guru can't help thinking that Simon also looks a bit like Formula 1 motor racing sensation Lewis Hamilton, and bets that he drives a car. So Guru awaits the next, slightly patronising look-alike press release with eager anticipation.

On the subject of look-alikes, and following Guru's revelation that former ITN political correspondent John Sergeant was separated at birth from comedienne Jo Brand...

Has anyone else noticed that with each new surgical nip and tuck, BBC TV's Weakest Link presenter Anne Robinson is morphing into former marathon World Champion Paula Radcliffe?

There's some sort of horrible Oscar Wilde Picture of Dorian Grey thing going on here.

Thanks to Disciple Sue for alerting Guru to the following office antics video. "Extreme Carpet Skating in the Corporate Office" would you believe!?

HR needs a policy on this, pronto.

According to the video makers, you can actually buy these skates on eBay.

Mrs Guru subscribes to a range of women's fashion, lifestyle and celebrity gossip magazines, including Cosmopolitan, Company, Glamour etc.

They are all piled up in the corner of the downstairs loo, which Guru has need to visit on occasion, and, well... you need something to read.

So Guru is no stranger to the concept of sex surveys ("We tell you what your boyfriend won't"; "How big is your man?"; "Is it normal if he asks me to do this?" etc. You get the idea.)

Then the other day, such a survey popped into Guru's inbox. Sadly, on closer inspection, it was not a sex survey, but a 'secs survey'. A survey of secretaries. Actually, Guru thought, it might amount to the same thing, especially if Lindsay in sales support is anything to go by.

But alas no, it was simply some research commissioned by the recruitment site SecretarialCareers.co.uk to prove that PAs are indispensable and boost publicity for its Secretarial Awareness Week (17-21 September), would you believe?

Guru has seen this kind of self promotion before from the secretarial profession and takes it with a pinch of salt, please love. And a cup of tea - two sugars thanks. By the way, my dry cleaning is ready...

But in case you are interested, among the survey's findings were:

Many secretaries have gone way beyond the call of duty, with nearly a third (28%) booking holidays for their bosses, and a quarter (24%) buying presents for boss's partners or illicit lovers. Some have even been reputed to dictate notes while the boss sat on the toilet.

More than half (54%) have had to tell a lie to cover up for their bosses. A third (35%) had been bullied, and almost a fifth (18%) have been subject to sexual advances.

There you go - it was all about sex after all.

Guru made it back from the CIPD Annual Conference and Exhibition in Harrogate in one piece - a very tired and emotional piece, but one piece nevertheless.

Personnel Today's fringe event in the Holiday Inn was a great success, with scores of HR professionals visiting for the free seminars, free food and free massages (pictured, courtsey of the XpertHR Employment Intelligence blog) and manicures.

Guru himself took advantage of a relaxing shoulder rub, and promptly dozed off on the massage chair. Well, conferencing is an exhausting business.

As usual, some of the CIPD conference sessions were good, others were just so much hot air.

One of the more engaging presenters was Emmanuel Gobillot, director of leadership services at Hay Group and author of The Connected Leader - creating agile organisations for people, performance and profit.

Gobillot, who disarmingly described himself as a "gobby, fat Frenchman", delivered pearls of wisdom such as:

The person you report to is 72.8% water

Values don't work

Make people dream

He was smooth, charming and funny, if a little unsubstantial, and made his 90 minute slot fly by. It was only a shame that the session's chairman Adrian Roberts, HR director for the Shaeffler Group in the UK couldn't match Gobillot's style.

Roberts - over-sized light-tan suit, Hush Puppies (you get the picture) - made the classic mistake of opening his address with a joke - not a bad joke actually (see Guru's version below), but too long and rambling for a non-comedian.

Reed Elsevier (RE), the multinational FTSE 100 publisher that owns Personnel Today, as well as other classic publications like New Scientist, Variety, Computer Weekly, Caterer & HotelKeeper, Farmers Weekly and Flight International (good bloggers all) designated September 2007 as RE Cares Month.

Part of the organisation's corporate social responsibility agenda, RE Cares Month has been a fixture in the company diary for four years now to "focus on education for disadvantaged young people and community initiatives of importance to local employees".

During this time, staff are encouraged to take two additional days leave per year to spend on charitable works.

And what a month it's been! On top of the volunteering, there have been raffles, collections, sponsored walks, cake sales, quizzes, comedy nights, musical concerts, sporting events and many more activities raising money for good causes.

The latest fundraiser was a "come to work in school uniform or pay a fine" day. Some staff, such as the Healthcare portfolio team (pictured in full Harry Potter Hogwarts regalia) really entered into the spirit of things.

Others, including Guru, he is ashamed to admit, did not.

In Guru's defence, he had an external meeting that day and feared that travelling on the London Underground and turning up at a major employment lawyer's office dressed in blazer, stripey tie, shorts, knee-length socks, cap and obligatory freckles might have caused a scene.

But, quick thinking as ever, on arrival into the office that morning to be greeted with collection bucket-wielding 'school children' demanding their fine, Guru announced that he had come as a teacher. The ill-fitting suit, badly-ironed shirt, cheap tie and hectoring voice all worked hard to back up his claim.

Sadly this excuse cut no ice with the unruly 'pupils', who quickly charity mugged (chugged) Guru of the £2 he had allocated for a skinny mocha latte at the company's Starbucks franchise.

Guru can only think that the lack of a pair of leatherette patches on his elbows must have given the game away.

PS. Guru has spotted on Louise's UK Recruiter Blog that 26 October is Breast Cancer Campaign's "Wear it Pink" day. Time to raid the "weekend wardrobe"!