November 1, 2007
Being a sophisticated chap when it comes to aural stimulation, Guru has always shunned the worlds of insipid pop, anti-social hip hop, trashy thrash and over-hyped heavy metal, preferring instead a soucon of Chopin or a truffle of Tchaikovsky – with figs and absinthe whenever possible.
So it came as no surprise to find that the headbangers of this world are now officially classified as ‘disabled’.
At least in Sweden, that is.
It seems our legendarily ‘enlightened’ friends in the far, far north have finally lost their marbles, perhaps on account of too much shaking out the dandruff, and bowed to the demands of demented heavy metallist Roger Tullgren, who is now classified as disabled due to his life being dominated by heavy metal music.
The Swedish pot washer – for that is his chosen profession – now gets part of his wages paid by the state as he is virtuallly unemployable without this support, having lost all previous jobs in double quick time as a result of his ‘addiction’.
It turns out he goes to some 300 gigs a year, regularly failing to turn up to work as a result.
In the cold and dreary land where the sun never sets or never rises depending on the time of year, it is perfectly understandable that a chap should turn to three-chord ear-busting for a bit of solace – especially on a dark Sunday, or Black Sabbath, as it were. Of course, too much of a good thing [sic] can do no good and his ears will no doubt turn a morbid shade of Deep Purple forcing him to get into his Motor, head off to the chemist and buy some tranquillisers. This would no doubt make him feel a tad morose, which by some freakish coincidence happens to be the name of Sweden's leading heavy metal band and no doubt good friends of Mr Tullgren – or at least beneficiaries of his, and the state's, generosity.
Having run out of heavy metal band names to conjure with on account of having no interest in them whatsoever – apart from anticipating seeing them on some David Attenborough programme about throwbacks to the Neolithic period – Guru suddenly realised just how much he has in common with the disabled Swede.
For while not suffering from scurfyhead, he is virtually unemployable – on account of his appearance if nothing else – and his constant need for fine wines and exceptional food regularly render him totally disabled (that is, according to Mrs Guru, as Yours Truly invariably has no memory of the event).
