Guru

Having inspected Bulgarian Bob's superb, and undoubtedly frugal, handywork, Yours Truly wondered what all the fuss was about.

Brown's car had not been blown up, had it? No, it had been perfectly well protected, as was Guru's every time he paid a fiver to hooded entrepreneurs to 'mind his car' near Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

In fact. the prime minister would have a lot more time to spend on the important matter of running the country if he employed the services of the men and women on the street who really run it.

Guru finds that getting around, fixing things, buying stuff and treating Mrs Guru are all made easier and cheaper when using such 'special services'. How else would he have seen Snakes on a Plane three weeks before its UK release, with added popcorn shots and Chinese-sounding cinema announcements?

And what is the alternative? Turning to the so-called 'qualified' legitimate specialists? The security forces that so brilliantly guarded against Tube bombings on 7 July 2005? The anti-terrorist officers that expertly hunted down a dangerous Brazilian electrician a few weeks later?

Guru is off to get a taxi to the Home Office to make his point - now where is the number for that fellow they call Sierra Leon?