November 21, 2007
Having recently been busy on 'fact-finding' missions around Europe, Guru can sympathise with work and pensions secretary who has decided to take on the 'sicknote culture' in the UK.
Hain's decision to personally intervene follows a report showing that there are 2,000 people refusing to work on the grounds that they are too fat to do anything other than eat cakes. This apparently renders them 'disabled' as they are unable to walk more than 400 yards.
All this lying around on their backs is costing the taxpayer £4.4m a year, which sounds like a huge amount of money, but only actually amounts to £2,200 per per person a year – or £42 a week.
With the current price of cakes rising (or should that be currant price self-raising?) rapidly that's not many buns for their buck.
However, the Swiss, in their ever-efficient way have provided a solution, as a 'welfare' group in Basel is paying volunteers £65 to have sex with disabled people.
The welfare group says that having sex is a basic human need like eating and drinking.
Guru sees plenty of potential here for multi-tasking: the cake-eating 2,000 could boost their income by offering their bodies up in a bid to tackle this 'big taboo' – potentially putting them in a position to earn great wads of cash for doing pretty much what they're doing anyway.
Of course, bearing in mind how 'workshy' these people are, you couldn't expect a full 24/7 service, or anything like it. But even a modest two or three times a week service would remove the £4.4m bill to the taxpayer and would push the lardy layabouts into the realms of the earning masses, thereby netting the chancellor of the exchequer some useful tax payments in the process.
Naturally, rumours that Guru had actually been on a 'fat-finding' mission and came away from Switzerland with a lighter wallet are totally unfounded.
