Guru

It seems Guru at last has the ear of the bewigged and be-robed stocking-wearers of the land at last. Or at least one of the self-confessed 'big guns' of the profession at least.

Just weeks after revealing, that judges were getting out of their pram over plans to make them undergo work performance assessments and mere months after exposing the otherworldly fools for the otherworldly fools they often are by virtue of one judge admitting total ignorance of the internet, the BBC has revealed that five judges will be given media training to enable them to pass comments on things like, prison sentences, judicial proceedings, the finer points of the law and - and this is the tough one - real life.

All very admirable, were it not for the fact that judges already see fit to pass comment - much of it as useful as passing wind - on any number of subjects.

Why only a few days ago, one of our enlightened learned friends said that thousands of criminals should have their jail terms cut because they're living in "conditions that are wildly overcrowded" and in "dreadful conditions, locked up with one or two other people, or forced into a situation where there is no exercise".

Fancy that – criminals living in cells, with limited access to drinks, drugs, prostitutes..

The poor lambs. Let's set them all free to gambol across the fields to some judges stately pile where they can indulge in a bit of squatting, petty larcency and car crime.

Laughably, the judge suggested that how full the prisons were be considered when sentencing. How would that work? Perhaps like this:

Judge Twit: "Rape? Let's have a look at the log book... Hmmm... seems you would be subject to horrendous treatment on account of being scum. And you'd have to share a cell with several axe murderers. Well, as it's only a crime against a woman, you'd best walk."

Judge Spank: "Assault and battery? Racist? Well, you're a violent chappy, but there are no cells available, and while we'd like to bang you up with some illegal migrant gangmasters, I'm afraid I'll just have to let you go."

Judge Twonk: "Murderer? Now let me see... Hmmm, no room at the inn, sorry. You're pardoned. Would you like some compensation to go with that?"