Guru

Jack Smithies had set up a petition on the Downing Street website to call for elephants to be given the green light to be regarded as pets in the UK.

He argued that they would only require a sturdy shed and a couple of chains to ensure they did not trample over the neighbouring gardens.

But Gordon Brown and his chums rejected the plea out of hand, saying it would be impractical for elephants to be kept in houses or pet shops, and – clearly having consulted a top animal boffin – stated that “elephants are very large animals”.

Guru was wondering whether the ban would extend to high level business meetings in offices, and specifically the government offices occupied by that ball of energy that is Malcolm Wicks – as it seems the elephant in the room clearly slipped in unnoticed when they gave nuclear power the green light.

However, giving it the green light is quite appropriate, as the fish in the waters around Sizewell B nuclear power station in Suffolk have been rumoured to have two heads and emit a garish green glow after dark.

Yours Truly knows this as he once had the good fortune to visit the excellent Sizewell T café, nearby, which has an unrivalled reputation for its enormous portions of fish and chips.

As Guru was in the area with a risk assessment expert he declined to partake – having witnessed the strange vegetation on the beach and the steam rising off the foaming surf. But he did brave a cup of Sizewell tea, and very good it was too.

That was many years ago now, and there have been no side effects so far... that sultry blue, hairless look is entirely natural.