January 24, 2008
News that the government is to pay fatties to lose weight is good news for our growing workforce.
After all, if they manage to slim down a touch, they'll be quids in and will be able to nip down to the local kebab shop to rack up the calories – although clearly not after midnight following the orders of the new fuhrer and curfew queen Jacqui Smith – before starting all over again.
Naturally, they won't be encouraged to nip down to the local coffee shop, what with the dangerously fatty lattés on offer.
Which set Guru's mind a-whirring...
What if the government was to allocate funds to get the nation to kick the coffee habit too? After all, smokers can already get nicotine patches courtesy of UK plc's ever-increasing tax burden.
But as funding for fat, smokers with a caffeine habit excludes large swathes of the nation's finest, fittest fellas and females, why not make things fair and pay for the whole nation to eat fruit and drink water.
That way, the good folk of the UK could use their own spare cash to stock up on cakes, sweets and alcohol.
A voucher scheme would do it, and to ensure people don't cheat – keeping to the food-based theme – to ensure people don't cheat, the Home Office could piggyback its ever popular ID card scheme, with bio-dio-geo-stylo-morphic data on our weight, height, hair colour, eye colour, shoe size, and sexual preferences all captured on a new Chip and Bun* card.
*Trade Mark
