Guru

"Whether we like it or not, children from more deprived neighbourhoods often respond to raw physical power," the think tank said in a report.

It’s not rocket science. But it is the use of rockets to teach science – as well as grenades to teach geography and AK-47s to make sure maths homework is in on time.

Guru imagines that the school bell will be replaced by several rounds of machine gun fire, lunch time will consist of a 10-mile march and detention will be something worth avoiding at all costs.

It is such a good plan that it should not stop at using former members of the Armed Forces? Being as there is no just reason for being at war with Iraq or Afghanistan, why doesn’t Mr Brown bring all the current squaddies back to teach our kids? The fact that most of them have only just left school need not stop them coming back as teachers.

This would be a massive cause for celebration. No more families would lose loved ones to roadside ambushes just outside Basra or the infinitely more dangerous Tunbridge Wells Primary. We would have skilled school leavers ready to plug the skills gap rather than unskilled school leavers set to fill innocent foreign villages with mortar fire.

Of course, there would be a slight risk to national security, but Guru has the answer to this to. After all his learning and development in Afghanistan, there is one superhero supreme ready to defend this island with his own bare hands. Rather than the Armed Forces, we can have Ross Kemp.