February 26, 2008
News that a man and his dog getting locked into a branch of HSBC bank failed to set alarm bells ringing at the global finance giant ought to be a bit of a concern for anyone who's money is tied up with this slack operation.
However, Guru's alarm bells were set a-ringing by the eternally worried British public, embodied by Mr Jay Whitmarsh – the trapped man at the Swinton, Manchester branch of the bank – when he said: "The repercussions could have been horrendous if things had turned out differently. What would I have done if there was a fire?"
Did Mr Whitmarsh suddenly find himself transported into an episode of Casualty?
Was last night's episode of Eastenders/Coronation Street/Emmerdale on his mind?
Had he just been reading the latest write-up for TV's implausibility champion Waking the Dead?
Statistically speaking, shut banks rarely spontaneously combust. And if there had been a fire before he went in, Guru would have thought Mr Whitmarsh would have had a rethink about his need to enter the building.
If, on the other hand, there had been a fire after he went in, either Mr Whitmarsh would have started it himself – presumably to keep warm – or he'd have so antagonised the growing throng outside with his 'look at me, I'm trapped in a bank' antics that a passing arsonist had decided enough was enough.
It seems to Yours Truly that, after insisting on national apologies – for minor misdemeanours from politicians, footballers and anyone else in the public eye – and weeping over the deaths of total strangers in 'mass outpourings of grief', the 'public' is getting a tad over-excited about 'thingsitcandolittleabout' and is starting to believe the world is as bad as the pictures painted in fiction and on the TV news (although that probably amounts to the same thing most of the time).
What next: 'Things could have been different if a DC10 had smashed into the village while I was trying to put out a fire in a locked bank watched by a crowd of unrepentant arsonists', or 'Times could have been a bit trying if a comet had crashed into my tuna sandwich just as I was taking it out of the wrapper' or 'Things could have turned out differently if I'd have been born into a family of llamas on a Peruvian hillside, before meeting a lone Quechua guide and being led down into caverns lined with gold, patrolled by dragons selling bespoke mahogany furniture'.
Such wild speculation should be left to the writers of TV soaps.
What is clear from the HSBC debacle – the third such door incident to hit the bank in the past few weeks – is that the HR department has clearly been recruiting the wrong sort of keyholder.
In the past, such a pivotal position would have been held by a middle-aged woman earning a bit of 'pin money', ie, a bastion of honesty and reliability, kitted out, no doubt in a dirndl skirt and paisley blouse. Now, due to our burgeoning 'knowledge economy', Mrs Reliable has been cast aside in favour of some high-flying graduate who was clearly in too much of a rush to lock up. No doubt, the same high-flying graduate who regularly has a heavy night and can't remember to get up in time to ensure the branch opens in time.
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