Guru

For the church’s insistence that no fixed date be given to the easter break – lest the Christian religion crumble where it stands – is wreaking havoc with middle England's school holiday routine and will likely make life a misery for teachers as unruly pupils exploit the situation.

But inflicting misery on a wide-eyed world is nothing new to the Catholics.

Not content with confusing most of the world’s developing countries, encouraging the spread of Aids and ruining the lives of thousands of children who’ve passed through its ‘educational’ establishments, it seems the weird world of catholic priests wants to extend its own-brand purgatory beyond even the unborn, to the never-going-to-be-born.

In an unprecedented pincer movement, and a remarkable show of co-ordinated ignorance, individual members of the angry mitre brigade used their Easter sermons to scare their already pretty damn terrified congregations to rail against the Embryology Bill.

Guru originally took this as a direct attack on the former president of the US of A, Bill ‘I did not inhale’ Clinton, but it transpired that this unique display of unified ‘thinking’ was to rebut claims by fertility expert Lord Winston that top catholic cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor had been telling porkies.

For the cardinal to get so upset that someone has spotted his latest untruth seems a tad oversensitive, however. For surely the church, in its broadest sense, has been peddling a heap of nonsense for years.

Still, as long as it keeps the bishops off the streets and in gainful employment, that must be good news for the economy.