Guru

After all the finger pointing and tongue wagging - or should that be the other way round? - Guru believes he may have uncovered the real culprits behind the Terminal 5 fiasco (it was officially upgraded from a farce at 3:15pm on Tuesday 1 April).

It seems that the poor baggage system at the new Heathrow hub of British Airways became overwhelmed, not because of staff training or technology failings, but because of the excessively wired state of passengers using it.

Disciple Caroline, alerted Yours Truly to the wonders of a YouGov survey which suggests that Londoners are losing 13 million hours a year waiting around for 'the tradesman who never comes'.

Apparently, this figure only relates to 'property maintenance' dudes. Which means that if supermarket home delivery services are factored in, the average Brit is hanging around fiddling with their own door knob for around 200 million hours a year, waiting for the damned elusive fixers who eventually turn up at about half-past tea time on Saturday or Sunday.

While Guru applauds their canny ways in getting to claim overtime, he does feel obliged to offer the following, slightly obvious, solution.

Guru notes from the Personnel Today website that FedEx now expects its staff to do so much more than just deliver parcels.

Apparently, according to award-winning HR director Wendy Dean: “It’s OK delivering a parcel, but it’s what you do on top that makes the customer want to stay with you”. Hmmm...

Rarely has Guru contemplated leaving his post as global HR sage, but it did flicker across his mind when he read what was on offer in Cadnam, Hampshire.

Michael Hammond placed a 25p advert in the New Forest village’s Post Office asking for a drinking companion for his father.

After the best job ever, with wonderful symmetry, comes the worst.

Guru told disciples yesterday how he contemplated a new career as 88-year-old Jack Hammond’s £7-an-hour drinking partner.

However, it seems money to drink beer does not appeal to everyone. Rather than apply for this golden opportunity, Jim Allen of Cleethorpes decided to respond to the ad for an alligator-pit interior window cleaner.

Guru notes that former chef John Loughrey will soon be available for work following six months self-employment following the High Court inquest into the deaths of Di, Dodi and Henri in a Paris tunnel.

Having spent most of the time covered in fake tan, with the words 'Diana' and 'Dodi' painted on his head, Loughrey certainly has tunnel vision – having been told to attend the inquiry by a vision, or rather 'four fingers' on his shoulder – and is surely one of the most dedicated... erm... obsessives to have graced the court with his presence.

He even got an honorable mention from the judge, who noted that he was probably the only person other that his bewiggedness himself and the jury to have had the stamina to make it through the whole inquiry.

Such dedication would presumably be easily transferred to a new occupation, so headhunters - particularly those interested in face painting – could do no worse than look up this hyper-royalist for the next 'I'm a celebrity get me something or other' programme to make it onto the nation's TV screens. He's clearly an (un)natural.

News that 'WAP-enabled' mobile phone carbon calculators are soon to be available to the world after a 'soft launch' to staff at TNT Post has confused the blue brain cells somewhat.

As mobile phones have to be charged at least once a day – probably twice a day if people start using them to do sums as well – surely that uses electricity, which means they have a sizeable 'carbon footprint' of their own.

Any expert opinion on this would be gratefully received.

Several of Guru's disciples in the public sector have been in touch following the publication of their pay packets in the Town Hall Rich List.

Still quaking with fury, they ask Guru whether readers would be interested in knowing other valuable personal information. Shoe sizes have been offered, time taken in the shower, weight, what kind of pants, that kind of thing.

Guru warms to this idea and was wondering whether this should be standard practice for HR bods in all sectors?

Important questions Guru needs to have answered are:

How many vodka shots it takes before you collapse at post-work events?
When was the last time you attended an interesting meeting with anyone?
How many sexual partners you've had (for fans of Nick Clegg)?
Have you ever let one go in a lift?

All of this should be the subject of compulsory disclosure to ensure that the HR profession measure up and satisfy performance requirements.

Guru promises full disclosure from Yours Truly as soon as he witnesses a new wave of honesty washing over the HR profession.

With coffee being a critical tool in the able functioning of 90% of the UK workforce, the news that a seriously-filtered brew is now available will no doubt please many coffee quaffers. Particularly those passengers expecting to actually fly from T5 at Heathrow.

But with a price tag of £50 a cup, it seems a cowhide wallet of rather substantial proportions is clearly de rigeuer.

Now Yours Truly thought that Starbucks had a tendency to clean out his wallet whenever he ventured forth for a fifth flaggon of foaming filter froth, but fifty golden nuggets of queened up spondoolies does seem a bit fierce.

After that magical day when he found both the Knicker Picker and Pimp That Snack websites, Guru didn’t think he would ever need a new URL again.

However, just like when he declared that putting cheese on crumpets wouldn’t work, Guru was wrong.

Guru's hopes of being able to claim a blue sticker so that he can park in the 14,000 disabled bays outside his local supermarket suffered a blow to the temple today when a judge ruled that having no hair was not a disability.

A retired Glasgow school teacher had claimed constructive dismissal on account of being bald, because students taunted him with the spellbindingly original chant 'oi! baldy!'.

But now he is relying on getting some sympathy – and cash - from his employers, having had his case dismissed by a tribunal.

The judge said: "If baldness was to be regarded as an impairment then perhaps a physical feature such as a big nose, big ears or being smaller than average height might of themselves be regarded as an impairment under the Disability Discrimination Act."

Guru quite agrees, and feels that the law should be extended to cover all these areas, except maybe height (Yours Truly may be follically challenged, but does not suffer in the stature department).

Sure, he scored some great goals and put in some terrific performances in Renault TV commercials, but does Thierry Henry really deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Mother Teresa?

According to Met Police HR chief Martin Tiplady, the answer is yes.

Guru has had some ball-breaking bosses in his time, but nothing like Mr Lawrence, the central character in an employment appeal tribunal judgement Yours Truly was alerted to this week.

Former Peugeot dealership salesman Terence Parsons brought the successful appeal against the decision by an employment tribunal to turn down his claim of constructive unfair dismissal from Bristol Street Motors.

Guru would be the first to admit he did not always fully embrace the wonderous potential of the world wide web. In fact, he may in the not so distant past have uttered phrases that included the words internet, black death, rather and have.

However, even Yours Truly can stay firm no longer in the face of such overwhelming evidence that the internet is the best thing to happen to HR humour since the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development gave its opinion on getting job applicants to dance to Jackson Five tracks.

If like Guru you treat your Microsoft Outlook Calendar with disdain than look no further than HassleMe.co.uk.

It's great for separating the run-of-the-mill Microsoft Outlook Calendar reminders from more important - and occasional - things such as buying Mrs Guru flowers, phoning mother Guru, and having a flutter at the betting shop.

First impressions count. And in customer-facing roles that can be more important than anything else – as all savvy recruiters know.

So its good to see that the purveyors of all things burger-related, McDonald's has at last seen fit to dispense with its 'rugger burger' stripey polo shirt and baseball hat look and smarten up its staff uniforms as a 'mark of respect' for its staff.

Trouble is, it looks like the uniforms – apparently designed by 'legendary' Princess Diana dresser Bruce Oldfield – were rejected by and airline or a cleaning company.

You have to love those Norweigans. The latest example of their inate Nordic ingenuity is a tool for alerting people in boring jobs that they are in danger of losing concentration.

"We might be able to build a device that could be placed on the heads of people that make these easy decisions," Dr Eichele, of the University of Bergen, told the BBC.

"We can measure the signal and give feedback to the user that their brain is in the state where their decisions are not going to be the right ones."

Guru would like to assure all his disciples that Mrs Guru is safe and well, and that he was only pulling their legs when talking of his fearsome axe.

But by uncanny coincidence the film that includes the most famous axe-wielding scene in cinematic history – Jack Nicholson's legendary 'Here's Johnny' moment from The Shining also featured the immortal line: 'All work and no play makes jack a dull boy'.

Of course, Yours Truly knows that big Jack was not the first to utter this phrase, however, as it was ancient Egyptian sage Ptahhotep back in the day – 4,408 years ago, no less – when high-tech brain surgery involved bashing a hole in the skull and pouring in unguents, before sitting back on a papyrus chair, sipping on an Nile Beer and waiting to see what happened.

Of course, back then, that would be usually be watching the holey skull (not a cheap Batman reference) person die, but nowadays technology has moved on somewhat.

And returning to his previous post, the recent brain breakthrough proves that Ptahhotep was, indeed right.

For years, low-paid folk have described their boring work as 'doin' my ’ead in'. Trouble is, it dulls them to the point of sleep, thereby awakening the interest of the boys and girls at the health and safety executive.

Who would no doubt be interested in the boffins 'big hat' brain scanner idea... on account of it being a bit of a health risk to the wearer.

So Yours Truly nipped down to the garage with picture of an MRI scanner in his gloved hand and saved them the job of imagining such a device... and here it is...

At last a government department has managed to get its workers excited about its employer brand.

Staff at the Office of Government Commerce (OGC) apparently displayed a far more vigorous reaction than was expected when showed their new mouse mats, proudly carrying the department's new logo.

Intended to 'signify a bold commitment to the body’s aim of improving value for money by driving up standards and capability in procurement', it looked more like a bloke having a w*nk.

Shocking news has winged its way into the blue lugholes today.

Apparently using your brain... um... makes your brain work better.

Guru realises this may come as a shock to many in the public sector - many of whom give the appearance of leaving their brain at the door when entering the workplace - but it kind of makes sense.

Think about the possibilities.

OK, I'll rephrase that: If you're not one of the mindless Civil Service jockeys who do not use their grey matter, think about the possibilities.

After all, using your legs stops them becoming slack and floppy, using your eyes enables you to see things and stops your eyelids from sticking together, using your nose relieves nasal blockages and thereby enables lungs to function more effectively, and using your hands – as opposed to having them strapped up in boxing gloves throughout your teenage years – has obvious benefits to more than just your fingers.

According to the Times, just doing a little light mental activity – that's puzzles to the rest of us – makes your brain work better.

But before sad commuters committed to Sudoku and crosswords start feeling smug, that type of puzzle just doesn't cut the mustard.

What you need is an 'n-back' test. Well what's that, you might ask? So Guru will enlighten you...

Guru has always considered himself part of the fashionista, keeping a close eye on the catwalk and this season's must-have designs.

Yours Truly prides himself on a keen sense of style as well. It was, after all, Guru that inspired the theatrical Blue Man Group with their crazy music and art show. So it's safe to say that Guru knows fashion - Gok Wan has Guru's number on speed dial.

With this in mind, Guru's attention has been drawn to something called a 'uniform review' by the Met Police.

The Met's top brass having been looking at new designs for male and female coppers. As part of this, students from the London College of Fashion have been asked to come up with new designs for the boys (and girls) in blue.

Just take a look at this picture and tell Guru what you think. This is not right on so many levels.

Just what is going on here? Is the man with the crazy hair a serving police officer or a student? Guru thinks the Met's recruitment policy wouldn't let blokes in with a barnet like that. And what is the senior officer doing to him? Is that the Met's new restraint policy for crimes against fashion?

This 'cape' - for it is thus - is a "high visibility garment", which then folds up into a small pouch for storage in a pocket or utility belt. It also allows officer to swoop down on their victimes like a modern day Batman.

WPCs will be happy to note that the design for their new trousers feature an "adjustable waistband", allowing officers to choose whether to wear them low or high waisted "for the best comfort".

Now when they are chasing crims of tackling late night drunks they can do so in the peace of mind they are wearing comfy slacks.

"The designs from the students will be fed into the uniform review," says the Met's press release. In other words, these will never make it onto the streets of London.