Guru

News reaches Guru that chief among the shocks at this year's PPMA conference (theme 'Evolution or Extiction') in Brighton is the revelation that president Stephen Moir is only 34 years old.

The young whippersnapper has already achieved a lot in his career and has a very high profile job as director of people and policy at Cambridgeshire County Council. Now he has stepped into the job of president there lies a lot of responsibility on the shoulders of one so young.

However, Guru feels that Moir could do with a makeover, Trinny and Susannah style, to further boost his credentials among the fashionista of the HR profession. Guru hears there were gasps of disbelief echoing around the conference when Moir's age was revealed in an article for a local government magazine.

Help could be at hand though. The more stylish ladies of the PPMA's higher echelons have already offered to revamp his image, right down to his socks and haircut. Guru thinks this raises the all too depressing prospect of HR once again being accused of favouring style over substance

Guru also heard on the HR jungle drums that Hertfordshire County Council HR chief and Chelsea fan Alan Warner was bemoaning the cost of a trip to Moscow for the Champions League final.

After a quick scan of the recent Town Hall Rich List which revealed the salaries of senior managers in local government, Guru thinks Warner's only worry might be whether to fly business or first class to Russia...

OK, so it's a bit late to be throwing the hat into the ring, but judging by the lack of enthusiasm for Ken 'the lizard' Livingstone, Boris 'the buffoon' Johnson and Brian 'who?' Paddick, Yours Truly feels that none of the main candidates should be allowed to run the capital.

Of course, there is the green candidate, Sian Berry, who is better looking and has better ideas than all of them. But if she were to be given an opportunity that would be a signal that women are being taken more seriously in society... even by women.

Sadly that's not the case, so the best next thing is Yours Truly. And the only fair way of instituting this momentus change is to have a 'Guru only shortlist'. What could possibly go wrong? So vote now. First choice: Guru. Second choice... er... Guru.

Guru was mightily impressed with the downright arrogance of the outgoing Italian administration when it posted the earnings of every citizen in Italy on the internet.

And now it seems the UK HR profession is keen to instigate a similar expose in Blighty, starting with their own meagre salary sacks (Alan Warner excluded, obviously), all in the name of 'pay parity'.

And as the one of the department's with full access to the nation's pay packets who could stop them.

Police officers in Norfolk have come up with a clever scheme to cut crime in the county. Rather than actually stopping criminals commiting crimes, they are reducing the amount of things criminals do which count as crime.

A leaked internal memo from an inspector in East Anglia reportedly read: "We appear to be making things difficult for ourselves by criming [Guru applauds the creation of a new word] things which aren't actually crimes. One example is where a car window is found to be damaged, no entry to the vehicle, no witnesses and no idea how it happened... If there is no evidence of someone intending to destroy or be reckless then there is no crime."

Well, Guru wonders whether there is any evidence of some of these police officers actually policing - perhaps their definition, and pay packet, should be adjusted accordingly.

A dramatic fall in the number of arsonists and car crashers has led to firefighters being deployed on some distinctly unperilous missions.

Guru was unfortunate enough to witness one such event recently, while sitting around a camp fire with a nice bottle of Chablis.

Much to his horror, the quiet hoots of the occasional owl were pierced by the ear-splitting cries of a frantic, yet exotic bird – of the feathered variety, naturally.

Wondering what all the squawking was about, Yours Truly took up his glass and wandered into the deep dark forest...

News that retired chess champ Gary Kasparov is to be a speaker at the Leaders in London conference this year came as a bolt from the (deep) blue for Yours Truly.

Having very nearly followed every step of the 'exciting', yet somewhat chequered career of the master of all things chess-shaped, Guru is wondering if he is the only person confused by this choice of 'leader'.

After all, Kasparov won some chess games, lost to a computer (IBM's 'Deep Blue'), won some more chess games and... er... that's it. Or just about.

Guru has always admired the Italians for their love of the absurd, and Silvio Berlusconi has made a bold statement with the appointment of a former topless model to his cabinet as equal opportunities minister.

Mara Carfagna came sixth in the tough political testing ground that is the Miss Italy contest, and was inspired to enter politics – perhaps spurred on by Berlusconi's declaration that he would marry her at an awards dinner in 2007... if only he wasn't already married to Mrs Berlusconi.

The shy and retiring Carfagna claims to represent family values and if any readers want to see what all the fuss is about, that bastion of family values, the Mail on Sunday, provides the most revealing pictures of the semi-naked politician.

Guru is pleased to see that lie detectors – previously frittered away on such frivolous tasks as preventing espionage, terrorism and other threats to national security – are finally to be put to good use.

Personnel Today reports that employers could soon be kitted up with Voice Risk Analysis technology to judge whether workers phoning in sick are telling the truth.

IT specialists. Don'tya just luv 'em? Guru certainly does, as no section of the workforce better demonstrates the need for time management training than this bunch of ne'er do wells.

Yours Truly was reminded of their incredible ability to misstime things by his enforced absence from this very space - eagle-eyed disciples might have noted the wall of silence emanating from the Guru blog these past few hours.

For it seems the background magic that powers all things 'blog' was in need of some local repairs, so a crack team of IT specialists was dispatched from a small box on the top shelf of the resources cupboard where they live.

Hold on love. Give us a minute buddy. Sorry, darling, Guru has some important business to attend to writing about Barack Obama asking a female reporter to "hold on one second, sweetie".

This comment has threatened to derail an otherwise perfectly scripted politically correct campaign by Obama to reach the White House.

Many HR professionals will have come out of interviews saying the experience was pants, but how may of them would know that their interviewee was relying on undergarments to get the job?

Six out of 10 job candidates wear lucky underwear at an interview, according to 'research' by law firm Peninsula.

Guru has to admire their sense of adventure and world wiseness.

On their first night of shore leave in Istanbul, where did the 300-strong crew of the Royal Navy carrier Illustrious head for? A bazaar, perhaps? A dusty local square with sheesha pipes and grazing camels?

In his exhalted position within the much-lauded HR community, Guru is used to receiving ridiculous statements from people desperate for the publicity he can give them.

Well, Alan Hughes, general manager of delivery firm Cadogan Tate Woldwide, you and your company's names are now up in lights. As will be the name of anyone who can come up with a more stupid sentence than the one that follows.

Guru always thought of himself as an extremely tolerant sort of chap - but now research has proved it.

According to a survey by leadership and development consultancy the Aziz Corporation, "men are much more tolerant than women of very short skirts at work".

When Guru was a lad, the only generation game he was interested in came on a Saturday night and was hosted by Bruce Forsyth.

Now it seems the generation game takes place in the workplace and involves trendy types with thin-framed glasses talking about how to manage people born in different years.