Guru

"If you know there is a lie detector on the other end of the phone, I'm pretty sure most people would think twice about lying," said Lawrence Knowles, managing director of software and outsourcing firm Midland HR.

Damn right. And then employers can send a bunch of highly trained thugs round to the sickie puller’s home and beat them until they are in a state where they get a genuine hospital certificate, right? That would make them think twice, too.

In fact, if Yours Truly had his way, people would be thinking so many times about phoning in sick, they’d have no time to think about anything else, and would rather have their appendix taken out at their desk, on their lunch hour, than go through the greater agonies of taking time off.

Lie detectors are surely just the start of tackling this scourge on society? Sickies cost the UK economy £1.6bn per year, according to the CBI. It is time for action.

Forget your back to work interviews and your bonus day’s holiday for the ever present. Bring on the secret cameras, the torture chambers and the lead boots.

Then watch the economy crumble as Ebay, Facebook, ice cream van drivers and Jeremy Kyle go out of business.