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July 2008 Archives

July 1, 2008

Smokers: worse than fatties

If you are reading this on your fag break - obviously on an outside laptop or in the smoky confines of your own home - look away now.

Workers believe that smokers take more sick leave than anyone else - even fatties.

Continue reading "Smokers: worse than fatties" »

July 3, 2008

High fibre diet strikes fear into Taliban

They say an Army marches on its stomach, so anyone following UK troop 'movements' will be in for a surprise as the top brass have decided to ditch the dry biscuits and baked beans in favour of high-fibre diet.

It seems the Brits having taken US former secretary of state James Baker at his word - or at least some the words he uttered to the monkey boy himself George Bush when he advised him that the policy for Iraq was 'not a fruit salad to be picked over'.


Guru is not so sure that this will work as squaddies may be forced to leave their posts for enforced 'comfort breaks' brought on by an excess of prune juice.

He would, however, like to formally defend the honour of our chums from Right Down Under by dismissing rumours that this is the only way any Kiwis will ever see active service.

July 7, 2008

Gordon Brown: the nonsense continues

Having polished off an entire loaf of wholemeal toasted with butter and jam this morning, Guru was both indignant and indigestioned to hear Gordon Brown telling the nation not to waste food.

Does the prime minister's ability to talk unwarranted nonsense know no bounds? Guru hardly knows where to begin.

Continue reading "Gordon Brown: the nonsense continues" »

July 8, 2008

The great carbon cover-up

While prime minister Gordon Brown was in Japan telling Brits to cut food wastage, the Japanese government were cutting down on energy wastage - by telling office workers to wear less clothes.

The idea is that if workers wear less in the summer, their employers will be able to turn down the air conditioning - effectively neutralising the global warming effect of Brown flying 14 hours across the world to speak nonsense.

Continue reading "The great carbon cover-up" »

July 9, 2008

David Cameron - a picture of indifference

While Gordon Brown stuffed his face in Japan, The Tory prime minister-in-waiting joined the queue to take a swipe at the nation's larger-than-life fatties, Guru notes.

But his latest stance that people who eat too much and those who are too poor ought to just stop doing it, while deserving of applause in some respects, could do with a bit of investigation from Yours Truly.

Continue reading "David Cameron - a picture of indifference" »

July 10, 2008

Drunken mice hold key to beating stress

While brooding on the news that Gordon Brown sees himself as a cheerier version of Emily Bronte's no-nonsense, moor-dwelling misogynist Heathcliff, Guru - ever one to seek out the truth - stumbled across a revelation on the Telegraph website that could end workplace stress for good.


Continue reading "Drunken mice hold key to beating stress" »

July 11, 2008

Job cuts provide foundation for Olympics

Guru notes that the construction sector axed more than 4,000 jobs in just one week, which in turn caused mass panic, serious alarm and raised fears of a full-blown recession for UK plc.

However, being the 'glass-and-half full' type of oracle, Yours Truly feels that this sudden pool of available home-grown construction talent will be good news for the nation.

For the redundant builders will be ideally placed to step into the breach at the 2012 Olympics site in London when the Poles all desert to start construction on their own stadium-building programme for the 2012 European Championships being held in Poland.

This would also be a boost for the UK's café society - or at least the 'all-you-can-eat-big-breakfast' kind of 'caff' - leading to a jobs boom in catering and scruffy workwear sales as the UK's building malingerers avoid taking on the tough afternoon shift in favour of yet another cuppa.

It might well delay the start of the Olympics in 2012, but as our only medal hopes will undoubtedly rest with the cycling team and our BMX world champion Shanaze Reade - who will surely be defending their Olympic golds from this years Beijing Olympics - perhaps Lord Coe and his team should just focus on getting the velodrome ready and leave the rubble mountains for Reade.


 

Well 

July 14, 2008

Lies, damned lies and workplace illness

Guru was recovering in bed from a particularly non-lethal bout of man flu this morning when he accidentally sat on the remote control, lost a classic episode of Monty Python on UK Gold, switched over to the news and discovered that, in the last year alone, up to six million Brits have sued their employers for illnesses or injuries picked up at work.

 

Six million? Hang on a minute.

Continue reading "Lies, damned lies and workplace illness" »

July 16, 2008

Mice work if you can get it

Following on from the revelation that mice hold the key to the return of the lunchtime booze-up... erm... harmless beer and a sandwich... Guru notes that our whiskered mini-chums are now leading the way in research into why people are fat - essential reading for workplace managers everywhere, what with the increased wear and tear on furniture and fittings, not to mention the outsize furniture and fittings that will be required as the nation takes on US-style ugly-butt proportions.


Continue reading "Mice work if you can get it" »

July 17, 2008

'Fireproof' MPs shafted by excessive wind

Guru had been pondering on why so many MPs just get away with it.

Get away with outlandish statements, get away with outlandish shoes, or simply get away without doing much at all - apart from the occasional bit of jeering.

But now it seems these untouchables, these dolittles, these apparently fireproof fools can be exposed for what they truly are.

Continue reading "'Fireproof' MPs shafted by excessive wind" »

July 22, 2008

The £1m bum

As a man who has long understood the value of a good backside, Guru was pleased to see bed manufacturer Silentnight ensure one of its employees' arses for £1 million.

Bosses at the firm's base in Barnoldswick, Lancashire, have reportedly signed up to premium premiums on bed tester Graham Butterfield's sensitive buttocks.

Continue reading "The £1m bum" »

July 23, 2008

MPs' recess excess

Raging at the amount of time teachers have off over the summer (enough not to need to strike and take months of sick leave during term, you'd have thought) Guru phoned the government to complain today.

However, Yours Truly almost passed out when he heard the government were off as well - until October! If ever you feel the need to pump up your blood pressure, disciples, take a look at MP's recess dates.

 

July 24, 2008

Canoe's this at the CBI?

One of Guru's eagle-eyed disciples has spotted the remarkable similarity between canoe wife fraudster Anne Darwin and the CBI's director of HR policy Susan Anderson.

Separated at birth or something rather more sinister? Guru demands to be told...

darwin-anderson.jpgOne thing's for certain, you never see the two of them in the same room at the same time.

The chances of that happening are even more remote now as Darwin has been banged up for six years following her fraud conviction.

So unless Anderson spends some time at Her Majesty's Pleasure in the coming years (perhaps for throttling a whingeing HR director), a face-to-face encounter is off the agenda. 

Guru welcomes suggestions for any other HR look-a-likies with the best making it onto the back page of Personnel Today magazine.

July 25, 2008

The breast job in the world

Guru thought he had found the perfect job when he saw the job ad for someone to drink with Jack Hammond, 88, at £7 an hour. But within the first four words of a news story on the radio today, Yours Truly knew he had been wrong.

"The breast biomechanics team at the University of Portsmouth..." it started. Guru must confess he isn't sure how it ended, as he was off downloading the job application form.

Continue reading "The breast job in the world" »

July 28, 2008

Boris wins Guru over

Who should stumble past Guru in the tree-lined gardens outside Canary Wharf station this sunny morning than the blonde bombshell himself, mayor of London Boris Johnson.

Guru's first thought was "That's Boris Johnson'. His second thought was 'As he's speaking at an event I'm trying to find, perhaps I should turn around and follow him'."

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July 29, 2008

Two large bedrooms, parking space, lesbians...

With house prices tumbling, mortgage approvals drying to a trickle and interest rates soaring, you would think estate agents would be doing all they could to woo potential customers.

Not those at the particulalry oddly named Jackson-Stops & Staff in Suffolk, who used the word 'lesbians' as a reference number for the house they were selling on behalf of an, er, lesbian couple.

Continue reading "Two large bedrooms, parking space, lesbians..." »

July 31, 2008

Thai transsexual toilets trigger sign maker panic

The transsexual toilet sign in ThailandSign makers the length and breadth of the land are hurriedly trying to come up with a suitable design for "the third toilet".

The stickman design so popular in the UK does not lend itself well to an icon for transsexuals it seems.

The picture right is from Kampang Secondary School in Pattaya, Thailand, which has been identified as the first places in the world to provide toilets for its burgeoning transsexual population.

Apparently headteacher, Sitisak Sumontha, estimates that in any year 10-20% of the boys consider themselves to be transgender - boys who would rather be girls.

Continue reading "Thai transsexual toilets trigger sign maker panic" »

About July 2008

This page contains all entries posted to Guru in July 2008. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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