Guru

What is wrong with white socks and black shoes, that's what Guru wants to know.

While happily condoning a policy that punishes families for having more than one child, the Chinese authorities have drawn the line at non-matching footwear.

 A lifelong fan of both Westerns and bumbling mayors, Guru was delighted to see the two combined with such effect in this week's Personnel Today magazine.

London mayor Boris Johnson apparently recently welcomed the idea of forming a partnership with trade union Unite - co-headed by Tony Woodley - reminiscent of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. 

Guru reckons the Bolivian army would have had one hell of a job against these two. Employers beware.

Are there any HR characters you reckon could feature in a famous film? Let Guru know by posting beow or emailing guru@personneltoday.com.

Perhaps it was just coincidence that two news items came to Guru's attention simultaneously this morning.

But as Yours Truly heard that this year's Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development annual conference would focus on how HR professionals could survive the economic gloom, he was reading about the launch of a machine that gives people orgasms.

A London restaurant is set to ruin the office fantasies of executives across the capital with its new free-grub-for-PAs offer.

Yes enjoy your personal assistants and secretaries looking good in stockings and skirts announcing it's time for the 11am conference call this morning - for soon they will all be gorging on three-course meals every lunchtime.

Guru kant beleeve wot he is heering. It seems them uni lekturers ave gone mad and are callin' for words spelt rongly to be part of da English languidg.

Yes, Ken Smith, criminologist at Bucks New University, has called for common misspellings to be legitamised.

Guru's heart goes out to Humberside's finest, who've been coming to terms with a colleague's sex change or, as Guru believes it's called in the police canteen, truncheon reassignment.

Yes, along with keeping Grimsby's sunny streets safe, many Humberside police have attended workshops advising them on how to cope when one of their hes becomes a she. In this case it was a 42-year-old father of two who, among other items, swapped his helmet for a WPC's hat when his gender was recently reassigned.

Guru's fashion senses were set tingling over the weekend with the discovery of the new Work to Flirt dress.

The dress claims to turn daytime demure office girl into nightime sexy party girl. A few subtle alterations to the black dress - a split in the thigh, reversible belt and a little more cleavage exposed - means you ladies out there don't have to worry about a change of outfit if you're hitting the town post-work.

Guru never has such a problem. He is always dressed ready for a party whether in the office or not - he keeps a bottle of Blue Nun and a change of pants in his coat pockets.

The dress was made after website DatingDirect.com surveyed 1,000 saddos, sorry singles, and found that 42% would prefer not to wear their office clothes on an after work date.

Four out of 10 men surveyed also admitted that they would be disappointed if their date turned up in work attire. The rest were just happy that someone with two arms and two legs had bothered to turn up. 

Guru would suggest that the dress only looks as good as the female wearing it - in this picture, it has to be admitted it looks great. The reality might be somewhat different - more a case of mutton dressed up as lamb, Guru thinks.

Guru does all his best musing on the toilet. In fact Guru was sure he read a survey that found Brits come up with their best ideas while, er, dropping the kids off.

So while sitting on the lav this morning and thumbing through his copy of the Daily Telegraph, Guru came across London mayor Boris Johnson's proposals for firms to open their toilets to the public.

BoJo wants councils across the capital to sign up to the Community Toilet Scheme where businesses are given grants to open their facilities to the public to help tackle a shortage of public bogs. Apparently, it's worked in Richmond. 

Guru is not sure many HR directors would go for this plan. It might very well work in the quaint and well-to-do streets of south-west London, with the affluent yummy mummys pushing their offsping in the latest designer buggy.

But imagine the mess in some of the shops and restaurants in some of the less pleasant London boroughs. Guru thinks while you might not get an elephant demanding to use your karzi, it could get nasty if someone is really desperate to spend a penny (or worse). 

Guru has long been a fan of the cut-price wine offer often found at the aisle ends of his local Waitrose and Sainsbury's.

This prime merchandising area has been the haunt of many a healthy-hearted wine drinker ever since the supermarkets stopped dilly-dallying with their £1 off here and 10% reductions there and started giving the one-glass-of-wine-with-a-meal public the sort of borderline alcoholism savings that might make them have two, three glasses bottles a night.

You can stick your Ernst & Julio Gallo sauvignon blanc, your Wolf Blass merlot, and your Blossom Hill chardonnay in your overflowing recycling box and get down to you local Sainsbury's however, because you can now buy HR wine! And at the moment (in a very large London Sainsbury's at least) its chardonnay and merlot lines are both half price (pictured).

This is just the type of PR HR needs. It's like subliminal advertising. HR is nice, it's good for your heart, it makes you enjoy yourself.... oh and it can give you a nasty headache in the morning.

What's more if you buy six Sainsbury's will give you another 25% off....

Guru's personal sommelier, Mrs Guru, is most approving.

"Enjoy responsibly"... as they'd say in HR.

As Guru was gliding through the traffic with the aid of a locally-sourced car siren this morning, he heard the story about the amount of police gear that's been nicked in the past three years.

It seems that more than £1m of police property has been stolen since 2005 - including stab vests, breath-test kits and handcuffs.

Today Guru can bring you the latest in his series of HR look-a-likies - and it seems employers' group the CBI is a rich vein of identity swappers.

After Guru revealed that director of public services Susan Anderson was separated at birth from canoe wife Anne Darwin, came the following revelation from Disciple Emily.

"Richard Lambert, director-general at the CBI, is actually American talkshow legend Jerry Springer," she says. "It's uncanny."

Click on the links above and decide for yourselves, disciples. And let Guru know of other suggestions you have - the best will appear on the back page of Personnel Today.

If there are any HR professionals out there wondering how to attract female staff in this new age of contracts-for-diversity, Guru has the answer.

Or rather the mayor of remote Queensland mining town Mount Isa has the answer...

Lapdance club magnates, ward managers and air hostess team leaders will be arriving at work early this morning with a glint in their eye and the strong scent of aftershave on their freshly shaven skin.

Why? Well, it is National Hug Your Boss Day, of course - cringeable photos here.

A bizarre email pinged into his inbox reminded Guru of the above named erotic 'drama' series on cable television in the 1990s.

Guru spent many a happy hour admiring the fine acting and well crafted dialogue of the Red Shoe Diaries. But now Guru is a fully fledged consenting adult, his tastes have changed somewhat - but that's another story.

Anyway, back to the present, and disciple Barry has emailed on behalf of his manager to ask whether the Personnel Today team knew where he could buy a pair of the red high heels featured on the front page of the 19 August issue (pictured here).

Now, being the discreet individual he is, Guru will protect his surname and organisation that Barry - if that is his real name - works at. But Guru is not sure what is more worrying; the fact that someone actually got in touch to ask the question, or that Barry emailed on behalf of his manager.

Come on Barry, is it you that likes the heels? Are they for wearing at the weekend when you prefer to be called Barbara? Guru is an open-minded sort of guy, you can be honest with him...

Note to readers... if you happen to be looking for work in the south west of England and visit the official organisation responsible for finding jobs, sneek a peak under the desk and check out the HR manager's footwear.

Doing household chores in the nude is nothing new to Guru, although climbing the ladder when cleaning the windows at the front of his house has caused a few raised eyebrows among the local neighbourhood watch.

Guru finds vacuuming, washing up and ironing in the buff a truly liberating experience. So he was delighted to read about a naked decorator who is beating the competition pants down.

Nick Male says he became a naturist decorator because he was looking for something different to boost his business. Rather than a catchy name or clever advertising, he just decided to take his clothes off.

Guru thinks this is a brilliant idea. How many more firms could increase trade by their staff getting naked in the office/shop/factory?

Struggling with the credit crunch? Profits down because of falling sales? Get your kit off! Guru awaits with anticipation the memo from the adventurous HR department that first proposes this uninhibited new practice.

Instead of dress down Fridays we could soon see kit off Mondays. What a way to start the working week...

Guru loves a bit of political correctness gone mad (PCGM), especially when it involves allegations of sexism and offensive phrases.

Winner of this week's PCGM award is the buffoon at Chichester District Council who decided to publish a politically correct 'language guide' to prevent staff from offending women, small children, Islamic fundamentalists and Scientologists (I made the last three up).

The guide tells council staff not to use the phrase "man on the street" - in case it causes offence to women. It says the term is based on the assumption that the world is male, and suggests "general public" as an alternative.

The booklet also says "manning the switchboard" and calling women "ladies" or "girls" is sexist. The council says it is simply being "responsive to people's sensitivities".

Guru thinks that rather than tell your workforce what they can't say, just lift the barriers, let them get on with it and let them say what they really think. Cold steeled honesty and frankness is the way forward, in Guru's humble opinion.

What the UK's workplaces need is a healthy dose of political incorrectness. Or is that political correctness gone mad, gone mad? Guru is off for a lie down...