September 9, 2008
Guru applauds the Department for Work and Pensions for finally get down with the people and getting into the mindset of the nation's daytime TV fans.
Apparently, the DWP is considering using the Jeremy Kyle Show (JKS) to target the nation's couch-dwelling work dodgers as they get their daily 'mental' workout by watching the 'bear baiting' TV host... er... bait the... um... bears. (Or should that be members of the public?)
Targeting sitting ducks, as it were - or more accurately, sitting-eating-pies lazy pigs, perhaps - is hardly sportsmanlike in the era of the pre-2012 Olympic Games. However, Guru sees the real underlying logic as this is clearly a way to kickstart the economy... starting at ground zero with Heisenberg and his Uncertainty Principle, as simply observing something changes it - in this case, the JKS viewing figures.
As the number of people out of work goes up, the ratings for Jeremy Kyle's show go up. As the ratings for this daytime trash-TV classic go up, the advertisers wishing to reach that said audience also rises steeply. As advertising spend with commercial TV rises, so too do the sales (driven by the paradox of the cash-rich, on-benefits, 'out-of-work' couch potato) of white goods, luxury chocolate items and bargain buckets of chicken. Manufacturing therefore gets a boost, as does retail, and sales, which means more jobs, which means more people paying tax, which thereby enriches the coffers of the chancellor, leading to a fairer, more fulfilled society. QED. (OK that last bit is drifting into fantasy land, and while Guru understands there is no end to this line of thought - as it will inevitable turn full circle and end back on the settee - he's going to stop right there.)
Of course, the other fly in the ointment that is the syrupy paradox of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle proportions is the fact that the government is simultaneously encouraging more people to work at home despite all these distractions. Yet as Sherlock Holmes once said: "Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth".
And the truth is clearly out there... stuck in front of the telly, eating fried chicken.
So, to regroup, Guru takes this to mean that the DWP is encouraging people to get back to work, but to do that work on the couch - putting workshy fops everywhere in pole position for all the top jobs, circa 2012 (approximately when you can expect your new sofa to be delivered if you order it this week... although there's no guarantee that it'll fit into your house, let alone up/down the stairs).
Noting that the JKS is on ITV, the question the business world needs to answer is does the DWP have shares in DFS or KFC?
Guru notes that QED also stands for quantum electrodynamics, which is where Heisenberg comes into it. And he can say that with some degree of... um... uncertainty.
Yours Truly has a sore head, but is going to try and reboot his mind with a (Kevin) Bacon sandwich as he now realises just how connected all things are.
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