Guru

News reaches Guru of huge legal developments on the picturesque holiday destination of the Seychelles.

Situated in the western Indian Ocean, where the last big news was independence from Britain in 1976 (Guru still mourns that day), the islands make the Caribbean look like a capitalist empire.

But now the Seychelles government (which is not just one old fat man in a big house) has voted to set up an employment tribunal. The superbly named employment minister, Macsuzy Mondon, said there was a need "to modernise the system and make it more efficient".

Just to give you an idea of how quickly things move on the islands, it has taken the national assembly five years of talks to reach this point.

Guru foresees many disgruntled fishermen, crop pickers, coconut growers and hotel porters rushing to take their employers to tribunal. Or maybe they just won't be bothered.

As they say down the fishing harbour: "Orevwar"

Never a huge fan of cabinet reshuffles - except the type that sees empty whisky bottles replaced by full ones - Guru was nonetheless delighted to see that Sion Simon was the new skills minister.

Sion who? I hear you ask. Well, watch this video of Simon mimicking David Cameron and you may well remember him.

The post-Leitch skills debate may be about to get interesting.

Those Masai tribesmen are very well respected in UK business circles these days, and Guru wonders whether they just might have the solution to the credit crunch.

With the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development warning that up to half a million jobs could go in the next year or so, Yours Truly thinks the answer lies in Kenya.

Fresh from his success in demanding that the US Senate pass President Bush's $700bn financial bail-out package, CIPD chief beancounter John Philpott now has the Bank of England in his sights.

A jump in calls to the CIPD's legal helpline prompted Philpott to demand a big cut in interest rates to cushion the blow of rising unemployment.

Trouble was, his demands were made public late yesterday afternoon, several hours after the Bank had announced a half point cut in rates.

Guru thinks this means either Philpott's powers are in decline or, more likely, a pre-written press release scheduled to be sent out wasn't corrected.

Next week, Philpott urges Fabio Capello to play Wayne Rooney and Gordon Brown to conduct a cabinet reshuffle.

Egg lovers of the world rejoice! News reaches Guru that today is World Egg Day which, as if you didn't already know, is "a unique opportunity to help raise awareness of the benefits of eggs and is celebrated in countries all around the world".

Is this some kind of yolk? Guru finds it very hard to believe that this most special of days is being celebrated across the globe.

What, for example, are employers in the UK doing to mark the occasion? Free eggs in the staff canteen? Complimentary egg cup for the best employees? Egg pelting the senior management in the car park?

According to the International Egg Commission (yes, really), eggs are versatile, high in protein and healthy nutrients. Guru just finds himself sick of all this egg propaganda.

Anyway, the egg-heads at the commission might like to know that 2008 has been deemed by the UN as the International Year of the Potato.

Why just settle for one day when you can celebrate for a whole year? Stick that in your tiny egg cups boys...

While on hold to his gas provider this morning to explain that a personal government bailout was needed to fund his latest bill, Yours Truly started browsing the internet.

Loudly berating a scantily clad Mrs Guru for her penchant for having the radiators so hot you have to wear sunscreen just to watch TV, Guru came across an interesting news item. Apparently, one in four call centre workers has overheard people arguing.

In fact, Guru may have unwittingly starred in the survey, as one worker said he "accidentally" overheard an argument during which a woman described her partner's bedroom performance as "rubbish". Of course, it has been at least a decade since Guru has had the opportunity to be even that good.

With councils set to lose millions of pounds of taxpayers' money in, ahem, frozen Icelandic bank accounts, Guru is delighted to hear that they are making best use of what funds they do have.

North East Derbyshire District Council is reportedly introducing knitting classes - along with craft workshops - after figures revealed that it lost an average of 9.75 days per employee to stress and sickness in 2007/08.

If anything would make Guru stressed and sick, it would be the thought of a knitting class first thing in the morning.

'Kebabs made as corpse lay nearby' is a headline bound to grab anyone's attention, but it made Guru almost choke on his chicken shish.

In what must be the most blatant disregard for an employee's wellbeing, a fast food shop owner was found preparing kebabs while a staff member's corpse lay nearby.

Police called to the shop owned by Jaswinder Singh in Wolverhampton discovered the man's body on a sofa near the kitchen.

A statement read out to the court, said: "Upon his arrival the officer observed a dead male lying on a sofa at the rear of the main kitchen. Sat opposite to him was Mr Singh who was preparing food, making kebabs."

The court also heard that in a nearby room were a large number of flies which were landing on food. There was also an "awful smell", thawing meat oozing blood, and a man smoking and spitting on the filthy floor. Sounds like Guru's local pub. 

It is not known whether the man expired after eating one of his own kebabs, but Guru would venture that this could be a likely cause of death.

No volume of chilli sauce is ever going to persuade Guru that eating a doner kebab is a good idea.

Barack Obama, the man who, notwithstanding vote rigging and questionable Florida chads, seems more likely to be the next US president, has launched a campaign to protect the "shittiest" jobs in America. His media spokesperson's words not Guru's.

Yours truly is an avid follower of America's finest news source, The Onion, and felt compelled to share Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas with his disciples.

A statement from the Obama canmpaign reads, "We must stop the outsourcing of our most tedious and dangerous jobs to other countries... That shit work can and should be done by Americans"

But only by watching the video can you understand Obama's ideas in full.

And in the interest of balance election reporting, there's even a response from McCain. 

Who said American's aren't funny?

News reaches Guru that the CIPD is to present a report on the ageing workforce at the Singapore Human Capital Summit next week.

Guru aged a few years when he found out the conference is being held at the luxury Shangri-La hotel, renowned for its hospitality, service and opulence. According to its website it is "consistently ranked as one of the top luxury hotels in Asia and the world... and where the legendary hospitality of Shangri-La first began."

Guru wonders how the CIPD top brass decided who went on this jolly, er... sorry, important business trip. Let's hope the organisers are paying for the flight and accommodation and not CIPD members.

Guru also notes that the trip marks a change in tact following the institute's previous reluctance to engage with the Far East when it turned down the chance of working with the Chinese government.

Something for the lucky so-and-so to ponder while enjoying the hotels's outdoor heated pool, world-class dining, extensive spa facilities and luxury guestrooms.

Guru was abruptly woken at 11:30am this morning to be told of the care worker in North Wales who is entitled by law to be woken after six hours' sleep to take a rest break.

Yours Truly drifted back off for a couple of hours then got up to write this blog. Even after three extra-strong coffees and two Danish pastries, however, he was unable to fully get his head around this one.

The reason for the gender pay gap has finally been unveiled - and shock, horror it's because women tend to take a few years out of the workplace to bring up kids.

How much did the Institute of Economic Affairs spend on researching that report? Guru could have produced such a conclusion for a cup of tea and half a packet of Hobnobs.

The news that a man with a facial skin disfigurement can't get a job because employers think he is too ugly shocked Guru.

Yours Truly knows all about being discriminated against because there is something extraordinary going on with your face. Guru's is, after all, completely blue.

What was even more shocking was the fact poor Edward Johnson used to be called 'lumpy bumpy', presumably by kids in the school playground. Children are often the most cruel.

It made Guru hark back to his younger days when he suffered at the hands of his school friends. Big Blue Poo and Papa Smurf were just two jibes that cut to the bone, but if anyone looks like a human version of the loveable cartoon characters, it's this guy in California. 

The news that David Fairhurst, HR chief at McDonald's, has won yet another award leaves Guru wondering whether they will have to widen the doors at the fast food outlets in order to fit his massive head through them.

Fairhurst is scooping gongs faster than his employer can shift Big Macs, the latest being Business Communicator of the Year, awarded by the British Association of Communicators in Business.

This is in addition to being the top HR Power Player in Personnel Today for the second year running, voted the most influential person in HR by a downmarket rival, numerous 'best places to work' awards and more media appearances than Robert Peston since he joined the company.

Fairhurst must also be the only HR director with their own image consultant and personal website.

Despite this, Guru has 'nuff respect' for David as sources in the HR world confirm that he is a top man and true to his Lancashire roots; more a pie and a pint man than burger and fries.

Whatever next for Fairhurst? Don't rule out entry into the New Years Honours list or, dare Guru suggest, arise Sir David in a few years' time.

Guru knows we have long lived in a nanny state, but things took a turn for the worse this afternoon when Yours Truly received a missive from the government on the importance of turning back his clock.

Yep, the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform felt it neccessary to inform Guru that British Summer Time (a joke in itself) ended on Sunday morning. 

Guru loves the annual Personnel Today Awards - a cracking night spoilt only by the fact Yours Truly has to pile on the make-up in order to disguise his striking blue-ness.

So it came as no surprise to Guru that readers were falling over themselves to win two free tickets to HR's big night at the Grosvenor House Hotel. All they had to do was email in and say in 20 words or less why they deserved a night on the lash, er, sorry, at the HR sector's biggest and glitziest event of the year.

Guru simply had no idea that Personnel Today readers were such a creative bunch. Here are a few examples for your pleasure:

Trade unionists, eh? Can't work with them, can't shoot them.

You may have gathered from the above sentiment that Guru is not a fan of unions and the labour movement. It goes against Guru's very being to join arms with his fellow worker in a collective show of unity and strength. He'd much rather go it alone and look after numero uno.

Plus, Guru thinks you can always find something better to spend the annual subs on, for example, a designer pair of jeans or slap-up meal.

By way of illustrating this well thought out argument, Guru was recently passed an email from one "Father of the Chapel" (the quasi-religious language also makes Guru's blood boil), to an HR director at a large company.

The purpose of the email was to inform the beleagured HRD that the chapel was "invoking the disputes procedure in opposition to job cuts".

Guru was dismayed this morning to receive notice from employment law firm Peninsula that 83% of employers were planning to cancel their Christmas party.

Yep Yours Truly was gutted to see the survey in the news today - as he put a tenner on in January that it would appear on 3 November.