Guru

Man boobs - now commonly knows as moobs - are a subject close to Guru's heart. Very close, in fact, bearing in mind Guru has his own set stuck firmly to his chest.

Yours Truly has blogged recently about stats showing 'moob jobs' have rocketed with men now far more body conscious and it being a problem society should take more seriously. 

Now the BBC has run an online piece looking in more detail at the UK's moobs obsession, illustrated with pics of some lovely pairs. Perhaps the most saddest/humorous (delete as applicable) part of the article are the reader comments posted at the end.

Hugo from Cambridge suggests we should use the word 'dadderies' rather than moobs, with the obvious etymology.

James - somewhat appropriately from the Scilly Isles - complains that the BBC has put topless men on their website, but wouldn't do the same with women. "It's not fair," he moans.

Come on James, Guru knows of plently of other sites where you can view naked female flesh. Soft porn on BBC Online ain't likely to happen any time soon.

Good to see the HR team at Tameside Council in Greater Manchester really adding value.

Guru received a press release about the council encouraging its staff to get some fresh air at lunchtimes with the launch of 'Urbanwalks'. The six walks start from the council's offices with each employee receiving a leaflet containing maps along with walking 'tips'.

You put one foot in front of the other; repeat several hundred times...

Two members of the HR team have apparently been trained as 'walk leaders' to lead staff, a la the Pied Piper, on their merry way.

The council's 'wellbeing champion' (sigh) Christine Wroe said: "The initial feedback has been great and we are hoping now the weather is improving (possibly meaning it only rains 4 days a week instead of 5) that even more people will use their maps to take a walk and discover a part of town that they maybe didn't know existed."

In the spirit of the post last week about new dictionary definitions of established words, disciple Kate has forwarded Guru an email with some new phrases for workplace usage.

Some of these may be old or well-used (a bit like Guru himself), but Yours Truly is campaigning for them to be brought into everyday use. So please can all disciples make maximum effort to use these phrases as often as possible. Perhaps put them in the company handbook or something...

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

Former Countdown numbers queen and star-of-annoying-insurance-and-loan-ads Carol Vorderman has gone over to the dark side, sorry, joined forces with the Tories to head a maths taskforce.

Vorders has accepted an offer from David Cameron (come on Dave, how much did it cost?) to assess whether school tests have got easier and if kids are being taught maths in the best way. Apparently, in the last 10 years 3.5 million children have left school without a basic maths qualification.

Now those numbers definitely don't add up for employers looking for the workforce of the future. Here's something else that doesn't add up; last year Vorderman took part in a government-commissioned review and endorsed its recommendations - which are now being put into practice.

Come on Carol, make your mind up! Did you get stumped by the big words in the report? Or is it just a case that she's the only mathematician in the country that is attractive and can have a conversation outside of a classroom environment?

Vorderman was in the news recently after leaving Channel 4 following 26 years on the quiz Countdown. She left after reportedly being unhappy at being asked to take a 90% pay cut. FYI - she has also been replaced by a younger, tastier maths whiz.

If disciples are interested, Carol's final letters round yielded the nine letters 'JSQDUAOTT', from which both contestants formed the word "quotas". What a way to go out...

Disciples are probably already aware of actor Christian Bale's expletive-filled rant at some poor soul on the set of the film Terminator Salvation.

Guru has some sympathy with Bale - a man clearly dedicated to his trade and a perfectionist in his work - much like Yours Truly. 

Although it seems to a casual observer that Bale is edging a bit closer to his persona in the film American Pyscho, when you are faced by incomprehensible idiocy by a colleague, it can drive you, like, totally nuts.

On occasions to numerous to mention Guru has had to deal with imbeciles in his work, people whose lack of brain power proves a greater obstacle to getting a job done than actually cutting off all your limbs would.

As Bale screams: "You're amateur man".

But where was the team member playing the role of HR manager in all this, trying to restore order on the set, calm things down and bring a sense of perspective? Probably quivering behind the sound equipment avoiding the flak.

Bale's rant has now been remixed into what is destined to become a club classic, but Guru suggests it should also be played at high volume to employees guilty of mind-numbing workplace stupidity. 

Thanks to disciple Helen who has sent in these pics of her catching up on the latest HR news whilst on a skiing holiday in France.

The pics prove you're never off duty when you work in the HR sector - information is king.

If any other disciples have holiday pics of them reading HR's number one publication, then please email guru@personneltoday.com

Happy Birthday to Facebook!

Yes, the scourge of workplace productivity was five years old yesterday. What did the UK's office workers do before Facebook existed? Some work, probably.

All manner of surveys in the past couple of years have shown that workers waste hours of their employers' time every week on Facebook, sending out friend requests, inviting people to take part in ridiculous games and uploading photos of themselves.

Facebook was set up by Harvard college geek Mark Zuckerberg - so HR teams have him to blame for their organisation's plummeting productivity. When Zuckerberg formally filed papers setting up Facebook, he listed his job description as "Founder, Master and Commander Enemy of the State." That probably gives you some idea as to the type of guy he is.

And if Facebook loses its appeal, there are plenty of social networking tools to occupy the working day: MySpace, Twitter, Bebo, Wikis, Second Life, YouTube.

The BBC has posted a blog asking users to leave their reasons why they haven't joined Facebook. Guru's favourite is:

"I've never joined Facebook because my face is too scary. Instead I've joined Arsebook, a much better site."

Guru is now off to update his status to 'sticking my head in a gas oven'. 

With thanks to Disciple Roger...

Guru's attention has been diverted State-side by the launch of new comic book hitting the shelves of US newsagents.

Super Human Resources seems the most unlikely title for a comic you are ever going to see, but details the antics of the HR department at Super Crises International, a firm of super heroes set up to save the world.

The comic book carries the tag line: "Think you work with a bunch of freaks? You have no idea."

The department is run by HR director Helen who rules, like most HRDs, by creating a climate of fear among employees.

Even better, the creators are asking for new recruits to join the HR department.

Just send a resume (that's CV in proper English) and cover letter, explaining why you would be the perfect candidate to work at Super Crises International. The winning applicant will be featured in a future issue of Super Human Resources as a character and will receive original artwork.

Send your application to: jobs@superhumanresourcescomic.com.

Naturally, Guru already thinks of himself as some kind of super being, and will be applying straight away. Watch this space for updates...

Disciples will know about surveys which claim that overweight candidates are less likely to be hired that those that are slim or 'normal' weight.

Personnel Today also did its own research on fattism in the workplace and found that HR people are inclined to discriminate against job seekers carrying some extra baggage.

Now our US cousins have introduced a range of Bridget Jones-style underwear for men including pants, vests and long-sleeved tops aimed at making male torsos look slimmer and more defined.

Guru of course needs no help in this department, having perfect pecs and a tight tushy.

"Somerset has just about everything", is - in Guru's opinion - a fairly outlandish statement by anyone's standards.

Even more so coming as it does from West Country girl Deborah Meaden, the scary women from Dragons' Den. She has just filmed a promo which aims to encourage investment in the county. She also wants to encourage skilled workers to move to the area and enjoy a better quality of life.

If by 'everything' she means cider, cheese and The Wurzels, then Debs is right.

News reaches Guru of a particularly unpleasant tribunal case that he guarantees you will be unable to read about without scratching.

The BBC reports waitress Maria Moon won an unfair dismissal claim after being sacked for complaining she had been bitten by fleas.

Moon was living in a chalet at Hafan y Môr holiday centre in north-west Wales. She told the tribunal that the chalet had a broken shower, damp coming through the walls and soiled mattresses.

Sounds like a place Guru once stayed in while on holiday in Majorca. Yours Truly hopes park bosses saved these delightful chalets exclusively for long-suffering employees and the paying punters got something a bit better. 

Anyway, after waking up one night feeling ill and scratching herself silly, Moon went to the doctor and was told she had infected insect bites which were probably from rat fleas (pictured here).

She was dismissed in May 2008, allegedly because management found that the coffee shop where she worked was overstaffed.

Bosses claimed there was no fleas on them, unlike the rooms they let their staff stay in. But the tribunal ruled it was far more likely that Moon's sacking was triggered by her having raised health and safety issues.

Are you scratching yet? Guru is now off to tell Mrs Guru to cancel that short break in Wales...

The credit crunch has finally succeeded where Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver and other celebrity chefs have failed.

Celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson, he of Ready Steady Cook and Saturday Kitchen fame, has been forced to close four of his restaurants after his business AWT Restaurants went into administration. As ever there is a human cost to this culinary crisis - 60 people have been made redundant.

Falling sales - fewer people eating out and even fewer eating Wozza's expensive grub - is partly to blame.

Is it any wonder these expensive eateries are struggling? Have you seen the number of staff they employ just to serve you lunch? One waiter to pour the water, another for the wine, one to bring your main course and someone else to clear plates.

Friday 13th has long been considered unlucky - Guru knows this more than most, he married Mrs Guru on this unluckiest of days.

But, according to the insightful Charlotte Pegman, personal injury solicitor at Hubbard Pegman & Whitney, the day is no more unlucky than the day before it or after.

But she claims the fact that it is Friday the thirteenth can make some people more nervous, and anxious and that can lead some people to have more accidents (she wishes).

"For those that venture to and from work, the superstition makes some commuters drive less well, and increases the risk of accidents. Similarly, at the workplace, the feeling of the day being an unlucky one, can lead superstitious employees to over complicate the simplest of tasks and actually make accidents happen."

Guru wonders whether any evidence actually exists to back this ludicrous claim. Apparently not, as Charlotte helpfully completely contradicts her previous argument.

"However, Friday 13th is a day like any other. And just like on any other day, some people will have an accident, and some people will not. I have seen no evidence that Friday 13th features in our case load any more than any other day."

Phew, we can all rest easy.

Those with an irrational fear of Friday 13th even have a name for their phobia -paraskevidekatriaphobics. Try saying that after a couple of vinos or, indeed, before.

Yes, it's Valentine's Day - the day of love.

Guru came downstairs this morning and couldn't open the front door. No, not because of the huge pile of cards sitting on the doormat, Yours Truly had lost his key.

Guru did receive one card, from his beloved Mrs Guru, and also sent one of his own (to the blond barmaid at the local pub).

MPs - not the usual receipients of much love - have received Valentine cards today urging them not to sell off part of Royal Mail which would leave the great British public, according to the postal union, 'broken hearted'.

Union chief Billy Hayes said: "The public and postal workers really do love the UK's publicly-owned postal service (really?). Breaking up Royal Mail and taking up with a new partner will hurt the service and hurt customers.

"Don't cheat on the British people with a smooth-talking new partner who can't be trusted. Don't break the nation's hearts; keep the post public."

Disciple Linda has sent through a script of how the famous historical Battle of Trafalgar might now be played out in the modern politically correct world.

Taking on the combined fleets of the French Navy and Spanish Navy was a much simpler task back in 1805, as the following dialogue reveals... 

Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?" 
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

In these tough recessionary times, people are exploring all kinds of new ways to generate income and become more entrepreneurial.

Guru was particularly taken by this chap in the US launching an innovative service to check on the health and wellbeing of female colleagues. The only problem is that he is offering a FREE service, surely he should at least be charging a handling fee?

HR's reputation as bearer of bad news is long standing. Workers across the UK will be dreading that call from their manager to 'come down to the HR department for a quick chat'.

The sense of dread that envelopes you is tangible, as you make your way slowly down the corridor, down the stairs to the ground floor. (Why is the HR department always based on the ground floor? Is it because they can bundle some poor wretched soul tout de suite out the door once they've been given their marching orders?)

But some new research shows that HR teams across Europe feel they need to get better at doing what they do best - sacking people. 

Ping! The latest email from the Institute of Pointless Research drops into Guru's inbox.

Conference call provider Powwownow (annoying name) surveyed 2,000 UK business people to discover what the real appeal of 'the meeting' was. Other than chocolate digestives (16%) and time out of the office (9%), a fifth revealed they relished the opportunity to flirt.

Apparently, women from the north-west of England are the most likely to do the kiss-kiss cheek thing in a work situation. What tarts...

Guru is left wondering what exactly do surveys like this prove? That if you happen to be in a meeting with a women from Merseyside or Manchester then your chances of kopping off greatly increase?

In Guru's experience, you should never try and slip the tongue in at work; always wait until after a long boozy lunch or at the end of works night out.

Business groups like the CBI are forever bemoaning the quality of school leavers nowadays. Poor literacy and numeracy and a lack of 'employability' skills - like turning up on time for the interview - mean employers are being let down by the education system.

But despairing HR people should look at these pics taken from students' exam papers and rejoice. For they show great innovation, a ready wit and a real 'I don't give a f*ck' attitude - just what Guru thinks UK Plc needs at the moment.

They also demonstrate what most of us already suspect - they what kids are taught in school these days has no real relevance to the world of work.

Great news! The government has announced the formation of a new task force aimed at making sure the UK's workers have enough bacon for our sarnies.

The impressively titled Pig Meat Supply Chain Task Force will focus on, not unsurprisingly, getting the suppy chain working better in the pig industry.

Guru loves pigs or, more specifically, the meat you get from pigs. It puts Yours Truly in mind of some classic dialogue from The Simpsons when Lisa goes veggie:

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal

Any move that is going to protect and serve the hundreds of thousands of oinkers across the UK gets Guru's thumbs up.

However, no word as yet from farming minister Jane Kennedy as to the members of the new task force.

Guru wonders whether the government will consider bringing in Rebecca Loos - the woman who claimed to have had an affair with David Beckham. Loos famously agreed to masturbate a pig in Swedish reality show The Farm.

That would certainly keep the nation's pigs happy and healthy.  

Guru is often asked by disciples: "How do I get ahead at work?"

The conventional answer obviously is "hard work, ethusiasm and ambition" - or is it?

Another piece of tat from the Institute of Pointless Research has found that one in five British workers would rather have sex with their boss for an instant promotion than put in hard work to impress them.

That's right, Brits would rather climb the career ladder as a consequence of their bedroom skills than their workplace ability. A futher 26% said they would kiss the boss for an automatic promotion.

If your boss happens to be a hunk or a hottie, then this should be a no-brainer. However, the survey has no word as to what bosses think about this proposal. Surely they would have some say in the matter?

When Guru was a respected HR chief, he was forever promising instant promotions for his HR underlings in return for, ahem, after hours tuition. Alas to no avail - the staff would prefer to get on by more conventional means than laying on their backs (or over the desk).

Women railway workers on the East Coast line between London and Edinburgh are refusing to wear their new uniform, which includes a see-through blouse that leaves "little to the imagination" of passengers.

Perhaps it's an attempt by bosses at National Express to "sex up" their workforce and make travelling by train a more desirable option. But Guru wonders if beleagured rail commuters would be imagining semi-naked train staff in the buffet car while being delayed outside of Peterborough.

Perhaps other employers could introduce see-through uniforms in a bid to encourage customers to buy more stuff. High-street sales would go through the roof if shop assistants flashed the flesh - it would certainly encourage recession hit consumers to splash the cash again.

And when McDonald's launched its new designer uniform for staff last year perhaps it could have gone for the see-through option?

On second thoughts, bearing in mind some of the lookers you see working there, that would certainly be enough to put Guru off his Big Mac meal.

Guru likes a corporate jolly as much as the next person.

In theory, the higher up the career ladder you climb, the better quality jolly you should be invited on. But in today's economically tough times, companies and PR firms are cutting back on the entertainment they offer to key contacts.

Back in the good old '80s when greed was good, Guru knew of journalists extravagently wined and dined by big IT firms. One colleague was even taken to New York on Concorde by a famous software firm.

The Cabinet Office has recently published a list of hospitality received by board members of government departments in 2007. Some of Whitehall's big-wigs really are enjoying a better class of freebie.

Twitter's HR manager Krissy Bush (change any letter and titter) it seems is so used to sharing everything with the world that even job applicants to the fledgling organisation should expect their resumes to be twittered, tweeted or twitted any day soon.

For it seems in Krissy's world when replying to all the poor souls deemed inappropriate for the role of Business Product Manager at Twitter it is okay for them to find out the email addresses of the other 185 unsuccessful applicants.

Blunder? Or is that just the way Twitter's HR department works?

Here is the letter (note the legalese at the bottom):

The Golden Raspberry Awards - or Razzies - are held every year alongside The Oscars to salute the worst Hollywood has to offer.

In honour of these alternative awards, Guru has launched his own HR Oscars - the Blueberry Awards, to recognise all that is rubbish in HR and the world of work.

Worst Training Initiative
Carlsberg's decision to shut down its plant in Leeds for three days to send staff on a 'learning day' - just weeks before it announced the factory would be closing with the loss of 170 jobs. Speaking to Personnel Today at the time, Natalie Steed, HR manager at Carlsberg Leeds, said the training was expected to help with staff retention over the next five years.

Most Pointless Survey
Nominations for this category were plentiful and all equally ludicrous. However, the Blueberry goes to a survey by horoscopes website scopemyfuture.com that claimed one in five employers had taken a candidate's star sign into consideration during the recruitment process. Apparently, those born under the Gemini sign are especially suitable for sales roles or creative professions - such as making up stupid survey questions.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Reports in Germany claim a bizarre form of insurance fraud is gaining popularity among hard pressed individuals: self-mutilation.

With money tight and the German economy suffering, some insurers have reported a rise in policyholders deliberately harming themselves - or others - and then making a hefty insurance claim.

Apparently, self-harm claims were common during previous recessions, with a research paper on the issue claiming that proving someone has deliberately injured themselves - in particular chopping off fingers and breaking legs - was extremely difficult.

While attempting to delve into this strange phenomena further, Guru stumbled across the case of a woman who faked an assault in her flat.

It's bad enough being sacked, but then to be told you must pay back some of severance pay you were given really takes the mickey.

That was the situation facing sacked Microsoft workers in the States. In a classic HR balls-up, they were told by their former employer that they had been overpaid and were then asked to cough up an undisclosed sum in return.

Apparently, others among the 1,400 made redundant were underpaid - which is much worse.

The IT giant has now relented and is eating a nice big slice of humble pie.

"This was a mistake on our part," said a Microsoft spokesman in an e-mailed statement. "We should have handled this situation in a more thoughtful manner."

You don't say.

Thinking about the Royal Mail tends to send Guru a horrible, livid purple colour. But not today. Rather than the usual explosive, angry snorts, this story elicited, instead, gentle sighs and a tear or two. Not a response generally associated with the cynical blue one.

What has prompted this gooiness of eye? News that a Scottish postie has saved the life of a baby otter named Orla. Originally named Ozzie (post rescue, rather than by her parents, that is), a quick examination by the postman's wife prompted a name change.

Postie Kenny Wilson found Orla lying on the A7 near Stow last Sunday. Evidently a resourceful man, Wilson popped Orla into his mailbag and took her with him on a 220 mile driver, via a Mini car enthusiasts' rally.

Having fed Orla kitten milk through the tube of a ballpoint pen - he was obviously paying attention at school - Wilson eventually dropped her off at the Arthurshiel animal rescue centre near St Boswells in Roxburghshire. She is now doing well, and is getting through £15 worth of salmon a day. Considerably more than the average Royal Mail worker - not to mention Guru - can afford. 

While this is a story to gladden the hardest of hearts, it rather begs the question: what was in the mailbag to keep little Orla so snug and toasty warm? Undelivered mail, by any chance?

Guru has often been accused of making a song and dance about things in the workplace, but now one firm is literally doing just that.

Insurance group Admiral has hired two vocal coaches to provide regular vocal health sessions for call centre staff, under the guise of reducing stress and sickness absence.

The singers are developing a choir of more than 40 staff members and are running monthly two-hour singing sessions, with a view to a performance at the firm's staff meeting in Cardiff.

The choir's repertoire includes hits by Queen, The Blues Brothers and bizarrely, OutKast.

Guru can't wait to hear Hammer to Fall, preferably on the sound system during the concert.