Guru

A press release grandly titled The Birth of a Revolution landed in Guru's inbox earlier this week.

What could this possibly be? A new form of corporate operating model? An unique method of flexible working? The Second Coming?

No, it's the launch of something called 'scent marketing'. According to the release, our sense of smell is handled by the part of the brain that processes memory, so scent often triggers an emotional reponse and positively affect an individual's contentment.

Guru is already getting the distinct whiff of BS...

Suppliers ScentAir UK claim that aromas mean people solve problems faster and boost productivity. If they could smell some of the 'aromas' that Guru has had to endure in past offices then problem solving is the last thing on the agenda.

The Birth of a Revolution? Yours Truly thinks not.

Guru is not easily amused, but did rather enjoy this bovine frippery. With the economy in the state it's in, explaining it though the medium of cows makes as much sense as anything else. Perhaps Robert Peston should try it.

20 Economic Models explained with Cows

1. SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

2. COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

3. FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

4. NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

5. BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...

The right-wing press doesn't like the Labour government, and by extension doesn't like trade unions either.

But even Guru was surprised to see the jolly face of Unite general secretary Derek Simpson on the front page of the Mail on Sunday. The paper ran a story atacking the union chief for spending several nights at the five star Waldorf Hotel rather than travel home.

Now disciples will know that Simpson has been a vocal critic of fat cat bankers and the huge salaries and bonuses they enjoy. So the MoS delighted in telling its readers that Simpso "enjoys the trappings of the fat-cat lifestyle", lives in an £800,000 house, and took home thousands of pounds worth of benefits last year.

If you are planning a new life abroad, then it's expected you will receive a card ot two wishing you well for the future.

If, however, that new life abroad happens to be illegal and you're not actually meant to be in that country, then a card of this kind is probably not welcome.

Unfortunately that is exactly what happened to one unamed Mexican man who arrived in Manchester claiming he was visiting a friend's new restaurant. The man was rumbled after border agency staff found a good luck card for 'his new life in the UK'.

Also discovered were pages of Mexican recipes which led our nameless hombre to admit he had come to England to work as a chef.

The next day he was sent packing back to Mexico and the people of Manchester will now have to do without their burritos and chimichangas.

Thoughts inevitably turn at this time of year to holidays and time off. Workers will be thinking about where to go for their summer hols and surfing the net to find the best deals.

Allow Guru to recommend a fine establishment in Australia - perhaps appropriately referred to as Down Under on this occasion.

Online news service Ananova reports that man who refused to take his clothes off at a raunchy party has been blamed for a mini-riot at an Australian nudist resort. It happened at the White Cockatoo resort (surely the pun is intended), near Port Douglas, Queensland, which is promoting a month of hedonism to boost 'sagging' tourism figures.

Owner Tony Fox said the "mini-riot" erupted when four naked female guests protested about a fully-clothed man eyeing them up and not de-robing. "He then threatened to bash me, there was some argy-bargy and I ordered him off the premises and police were called," says Fox.

I bet the boys in blue were falling over themselves to respond to that call.

Fighting your way through a busy London shopping centre can sometimes seem like engaging in ruthless arm-to-arm combat.

Now the capital's shoppers can put their battle skills to the test as the military unveils its new 'Army Showrooms'.

The first stores are opening in shopping centres in Hackney and Hounslow with more to follow dependent on their success. Army top brass are targeting people in inner city London boroughs as, according to officials, they have the highest proportion of people eligible to join the Army - ie. bored, tooled-up hoodies.

The showrooms will have a range of virtual activities - Guru is disappointed to note there will be know actual shooting or killing taking place - but their main aim is to press gang unsuspecting members of the public into the Armed Forces. 

Many parents will be familiar with the concept of reward charts - which give their little urchins stickers or gold stars for good behaviour, resulting in a special treat at the end of it all.

Yours Truly and Mrs Guru have often tried this tactic on their little blue devils, with varying degrees of success.

Guru was surprised to learn that the Civil Service is now experimenting with a similar scheme. The Foreign & Commonwealth Office's latest change initiative includes bright stickers for staff with messages such as 'You're a Star' and 'Congratulations'.

Patronising? Just a little.

We've all had the odd day at work when things haven't gone our way. Perhaps the train was late, or your computer keeps crashing, or you throw your lunch into your lap, or you mistakenly send a dodgy email. Whatever.

But rarely will your bad day match that of one poor Buckingham Palace footman.

According to the Daily Mail, the unlucky lacky caused £60,000 damage when he spilled a trolley of drinks on a carpet that had only just been laid. The footman was wheeling the trolley across the plush new covering when one of the wheels fell off and the drinks scattered.

The Mail quotes an insider as saying: "It took three days to lay the carpet and it had only been down for two days when the accident happened. No one could believe it."

Ominously, the 'insider' says of the footman, "people don't think he will be coming back anymore". Surely spilling tea is not a offence punishable by death?

STOP PRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Workers failing to eat a proper breakfast are costing the UK economy a staggering £22bn every year, according to 'research'.

In the latest piece of garbage from the Institute of Pointless Research, the mammoth figure was reached by looking the morning eating into the habits of more than 1,500 British workers. Apparently, the equivalent of 923 million man hours is lost every year as a result of the UK workforce failing to eat a proper brekkie.

Guru is not one of these malnourished individuals. Every morning Mrs Guru cooks Yours Truly a Full English breakfast, two slices of toast and a nice cuppa (white, two sugars).

While digesting his meaty sausage (not an euphimism), Guru wondered how the £22bn figure was arrived at. Surely by not stopping to eat breakfast, employees are arriving at and starting work earlier?

The survey identifies a 'brain freeze' suffered by those who fail to eat breakfast in the morning, much the same as Guru suffered when trying to decipher the complicated equation undertaken to reach the multi-billion pound figure.

The survey was conducted by Holiday Inn Express, which provides free breakfasts to guests. Guru is now off to book an overnight stay at the one nearest to his house.

News reaches Guru of innovative new recruitment tactics from a company called Peer1.

The firm "offers a reliable high performance Internet network supporting scalable managed hosting, dedicated hosting through the ServerBeach brand, and co-location solutions". Guru has no idea what this means but it sounds impressive.

Peer1 says it is prepared to pay off new recruits who don't make the grade after two weeks in a job. The £1,000 'Foxtrot Oscar' money will be paid to any new employee who wants to quit their job within a fortnight.

Maximum respect to Neil Berrett in the good old US of A who resigned from his job in the tastiest manner Guru has ever seen.

Berrett presented his 'Cake of Resignation' to sweeten his departure from Hunters Point Naval Shipyard in San Francisco. Announcing his intention to leave the company in icing, he wrote:

Dear Mr. Bowers,

During the past three years, my tenure at the Hunters Point Naval Shipyard has been nothing short of pure excitement, joy and whim.

However, I have decided to spend more time with my family and attend to health issues that have recently arisen. I am proud to have been part of such an outstanding team and I wish this organization only the finest in future endeavors.

Please accept this cake as notification that I am leaving my position with NWT on March 27.

Sincerely,

W. Neil Berrett

Putting aside the horrific shirt and tie colour clash, Guru applauds the effort and would like to know if disciples have received any interesting or innovative resignation letters a la Berrett. Guru only wishes every employee was as thoughtful as our Neil.

Just one question: What type of cake was it?

The Communication Workers Union has got its knickers in a twist over a poster campaign from Southeastern Trains which advertises 'Season Tickets Sales by Post' illustrated by a postie being attacked by a dog and the strap line: "good news for you - bad news for the postman".

This is not funny, according to Dave Joyce, CWU health and safety officer, as an estimated 6,000 postmen and women get attacked, bitten and mauled by dogs every year.

In the past two years, Dave claims, two posties have nearly died when attacked by dogs.

Dave grumbles: "It's unforgivable for a major rail company to depict the very serious problem of dog attacks on postal workers in such a light hearted, flippant way. It's no joke and this type of thing simply encourages those irresponsible dog owners to continue not taking their responsibilities seriously."

No it doesn't; it's a poster Dave, get over it.

The union has even got a 'Bite-Back' campaign to seek government support for changes to the Dangerous Dog Laws along with harsher court penalties. Guru proposes harsher penalties for union officials with a sense of humour failure. 

'News' reaches Guru of the latest trend to emerge from the recession - blonde women dyeing their hair.

That's right, blondies are going brunette in an attempt to be taken more seriously at work.

A survey by Superdrug - that well known commentator on workplace issues - found one in three female employees with light-coloured hair have made the decision to adopt a more sober shade.

The study also found 62% of people think brunettes look more professional than blondes in the workplace. And almost one in four blondes also believe their hair colour has held them back in their career in the past.

Don't know why you're smiling love, no-one takes you seriously

Employers are sending out mixed messages about music in the workplace. First we had charity shop workers barred from singing along to music that they hadn't paid for. Then we had call-centre workers being taught to sing in a bid to improve their telephone manner. And now we have a US-based flight attendant rapping the safety announcement. Love it ....

You can't beat a funny name - fact. Guru has been compiling his own list of funny names for some years now and has even categorised them: Foodstuffs, Alliterative, Events, Posh - you get the picture.

But when you do come across someone with an apparently humourous name in a professional, business context you must always take great care to treat that person with the respect and courtesy they deserve.

Unfortunately, that is not the path one worker at a Vodafone call-centre took when he left an offensive message on a customer's voicemail ridiculing their name.

Roger Titman (stop laughing at the back) heard the worker mocking his name in a message recorded on his phone, which allegedly included the line: "Titman by name, Titman by nature... you know what he's up to".

Mr Titman complained and the worker was immediately suspended, according to Vodafone.

That reminds Guru, he must call his lawyer, Ivor Biggin.

Guru hasn't got much time for Jade Goody but - judging by the scenes outside her house today - quite a lot of people have, literally, got a lot of time available.

Disciple Rob has sent Guru a message (in fact, it's more of a rant) about the number of people laying flowers - Princess Di style - outside her Essex abode following her death yesterday. BBC Radio Five Live even has a reporter outside her house, for the love of God.

"Can there be any more damning an indictment on our society than this? Who are these halfwits? And more importantly, 1) why aren't they at work (or at the job centre), 2) why aren't their children in school, 3) shouldn't they be concentrating on paying off their store card/credit car/loan shark debt rather than spunking £20 on flowers, balloons and teddy bears for a dead, talentless, bigoted nobody who was only famous because she got drunk and showed everyone her vagina on national TV?"

Rob makes a good point. Perhaps the government should set up a mobile jobcentre outside the Goody residence and encourage people to sign up after laying their floral tributes?

There's a ready source of low-skilled labour there to be tapped in to. That's until Kerry Katona kicks the bucket and they all take the day off to go and mourn her.

Better still, let's have a public holiday to honour the reality TV stars that are no longer with us - that way the rest of the workforce can benefit to.

Guru found this YouTube classic recently from the dotcom era when bored office workers - with clearly too much time on their hands (perhaps they should visit Jade Goody's house) - indulged in a game of PC dominoes.

In fact, the scene could now be played at many firms across the UK with the number of workers being fired. There sure are a lot of spare computers in offices up and down the country at the moment... 

Guru is happy to share with disciples a moral and ethical dilemma emailed to him that was apparently once used as part of a job application. Imagine, if you will, the following scenario...

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild and stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and see three people waiting for a bus.

1. An old lady who looks at death's door
2. An old friend who once saved your life
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there can be only be one passenger in your car (it must be a sporty little number)?

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again and might regret the missed opportunity forever.

Shop and hotel staff of the nation rejoice! You thought your jobs were at risk with the recession hitting your sectors the hardest, but fear not, you are now officially the most valuable people in the UK.

The government has announced you are on the frontline when it comes to tackling terrorism (whether you want to be or not) and will receive training on "how to deal with a terrorist incident".

There are new plans to show 60,000 workers how to identify suspicious behaviour in crowds and react if an attack happens. Apparently screaming your head off and running like hell is not the best way to respond.

Details, as ever with government announcements through the press, remain sketchy.

Guru fears customer service is about to take another dive as shop staff will be more concerned with identifying you as a suicide bomber than actually helping you buy something.

And with redundancies by the bucketload in the retail and hospitality sectors, will there actually be any employees left to train? Soon the UK's security against terrorism will be in the hands of a legion of part-time 16-year-old girls working in Top Shop.

Here's a snazzy new invention for HR folk worried about how to squeeze the last drop of productivity out of their beleaguered workforce.

Why not play on the redundancy fears of your employees and reinforce the benefits of working late by issuing them this new plumped-up pillow shirt.

The brainchild of Polish product designer Maja Ganszyniec, the "pillows for working late" is a three-piece set including a tie, sleeve and collar, so no matter how staff fall asleep at your desk they will be comfortably cushioned.

If you can excuse the 1970s-style kipper tie, then it doesn't look too different from what your normal male office worker would wear every day. All we need now is for a female version to be designed and the workforce is covered.

And why just limit it to a shirt? Next up the fluffy trousers and trouser suit, and we will all start to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

While they might be best known for sculpted buttocks, bikini waxes and football, the Brazilians are by no means resting on their inventive laurels. And their latest innovation is making the British tradition - fabelled or otherwise - of baking metal files into cakes look decidedly old hat.

Guards at Sorocaba Prison, 50 miles from Sao Paolo, have intercepted - how, one wonders - two pigeons carrying mobile phones to prisoners. Each pigeon was equipped with a small bag containing a mobile phone and - ever prepared, these Brazilians - a charger.

This marks a first - Brazilian criminals have in the past only used humans (or lawyers) to smuggle contraband articles to imprisoned gang-members.