Guru

Shop and hotel staff of the nation rejoice! You thought your jobs were at risk with the recession hitting your sectors the hardest, but fear not, you are now officially the most valuable people in the UK.

The government has announced you are on the frontline when it comes to tackling terrorism (whether you want to be or not) and will receive training on "how to deal with a terrorist incident".

There are new plans to show 60,000 workers how to identify suspicious behaviour in crowds and react if an attack happens. Apparently screaming your head off and running like hell is not the best way to respond.

Details, as ever with government announcements through the press, remain sketchy.

Guru fears customer service is about to take another dive as shop staff will be more concerned with identifying you as a suicide bomber than actually helping you buy something.

And with redundancies by the bucketload in the retail and hospitality sectors, will there actually be any employees left to train? Soon the UK's security against terrorism will be in the hands of a legion of part-time 16-year-old girls working in Top Shop.