Guru

The UK is in recession and times are tough
HR staff are struggling under the weight of stuff
But why let that work get in your way?
Take some time out for half a day
To attend a poetry workshop to broaden your mind
Who knows what, at the end, you might find
But remember to take notes on what you did
As it's going to cost you forty-five quid.

Dear Guru
As a regular reader of your fine column, I thought I would highlight the wonderfully succinct commentary your magazine offered on the recent announcement of the Equality Bill, via your brand new Twitter feed.
Whilst I congratulate your Twittering colleagues on their readiness to offer viewpoints in plain English, I can't help but think you've probably failed to grasp the finer detail in the response of Her Majesty's Opposition on this occasion.
I attach the excerpt in question (bounded, naturally, by the feeds of those fine Twitterati, Stephen Fry and Jonathan Ross).
Yours,
Disciple Steve

• Enter the company's office without being challenged by security staff
• Base himself in a third floor meeting room, where he worked for several days
• Freely access different floors, store rooms (containing large amounts of confidential information), filing cabinets and confidential data left on desks
• Access the company's data room, IT, and telecoms network
• Use the internal telephone system to call employees, claiming to be from the IT dept (backed up by the caller ID), and request information. Of 20 users targeted, 17 supplied their usernames and passwords giving him easy access to confidential electronic data
• Establish that CCTV domes fitted on the ceilings were non operational.
  

So here we are headed for Christmas 2009, which is predicted to be one of the most challenging years in business for many decades and what is the general feeling of booking the office Christmas party?

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours
4. Then analyse the situation
   

Last week saw a sad occurence at the Erasco soup factory at Lubeck, Germany, when a hapless 36 year old worker took his product knowledge just a bit too far. He climbed into a cauldron to clean it, only for the lid to shut, trapping him inside. The disinfectation process - involving lots and lots of steam - kicked in and he ended up, not to put too fine a point upon it, cooked to perfection.

"The circumstances of how such an accident could have occurred have not yet been explained", said police spokesman and master of the understatement Detleft Ridel.

According to the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), a bunch of hungry pigs squealing over their lunch can hit more than 100 decibels. (Employers are legally obliged to protect their workers from any noise over 80 decibels, equivalent to the noise inside a tractor cab).

HSE inspector Tony Mitchell says: "If you can imagine a shed with three to 400 hungry sows waiting for you to come and feed them and they are all squealing at the same time, the noise they make can be quite dramatic."

The HSE is recommending that pig farmers either use automated feeding systems or wear ear plugs (by Barbour, Guru hopes).

We had a claim for a £12.50 haircut for someone whilst on business in Africa. OK, he was there to represent the company but was only away a week; might they not have thought to have got themselves gussied up prior to travelling?
Also, in my very early days in HR one of my first memories was to meet one of the expats from Hong Kong who had just arrived back in the UK. "My he has a good set of teeth" was my initial impression. A couple of weeks later the bill for £2,500 arrived from his dentist in Hong Kong.
Disciple Brenda

Guru would like to congratulate Cassetteboy for this excellent Apprentice video. Warning: crude language...