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July 2009 Archives

July 1, 2009

Sacrebleu! Reality TV contestants gain employment rights

Three contestants from the French reality TV show 'Temptation Island' have been awarded compensation after a court ruled they have the same entitlements to pay and benefits as employees.

A judge decided that the taking part in the show, called l'Ile de la Tentation amounted to a job in terms of French labour laws, which stipulate that no apathetic Frenchie can be made to work more than 35 hours a week.

Disciples will know that Temptation Island involves separating couples on a tropical island and then seducing them with scantily clad singletons. The judge ruled that this "constitutes a job and therefore justifies an employment contract". Guru is signing up straight away...

Only in France would this decision have been made. Programme makers have warned this could mean the death of reality TV in the country, such as the French version of Big Brother.

So in fact, we should be applauding this sensible judgment and be hopeful that it crosses the Channel and applies in the UK. Anything which kills off the dreadful Big Brother must be considered.

Sir Alan Sugar and his apprentice get sued

News that a former female employee of Sir Alan Sugar is suing him for sex discrimination comes as no surprise to Guru.

The only surprise is that it's taken some woman this long to work out the publicity and potential cash to be had by taking Sir Alan to tribunal claiming discrimination. In a double whammy, The Apprentice winner from last year, Lee "that's what I'm talking about" McQueen is also getting pinned for making lewd comments.

Hannah Sebright is pictured smiling happily in the Daily Mail, presumably looking forward to her out-of-court settlement that she will no doubt pocket in the near future.

Now Guru is not usually one to agree with the readers of this esteemed journal (surely not, I hear you say), but the comments on the article are worth reading. Not much sympathy for Hannah there.

Guru's favourite is from Ian in Menorca (he presumably was so despondent at the state of the UK that he had to leave).
What a great idea for a new TV series. Rather than concentrating on the selection of new business "apprentices" it can be involved in the preparation and coverage of cases for unfair dismissal at tribunals.
Perhaps a suitable title could be "The Dismissed" with the final punchline... "you're compensated".
ITV and BBC please contact me via the Daily Mail."
Genius!

July 3, 2009

Naked Fridays set to boost staff morale

Disciples rejoice! Someone has finally got round to Guru's way of thinking.

Business psychologist David Taylor is pushing the idea of 'Naked Fridays' as a way of boosting team spirit. This is something Guru first mooted at the beginning of the year, although Yours Truly preferred Wednesday as the day to bare all. Let's not quibble over the day, all that matters is that workers are getting their kit off.

Staff at a design and marketing agency in Newcastle spent a day working together naked after being told it would improve their morale. Taylor is quoted in the Daily Telegraph: "Inviting an organisation to go naked is the most extreme technique I've used. It may seem weird but it works. It's the ultimate expression of trust in yourself and each other."

Some spoil sports at the firm didn't go totally starkers, keeping on underwear or donning a posing pouch. If it was down to Guru, these non-compliers would be the first out the door when it was sacking time.

The de-robing was filmed for a one-off TV show called Naked Office, to be shown on 9 July. Guru will definitely be tuning in.

July 6, 2009

Pensions 'personalities' set for big night

Now for some really big news... wait for it... the shortlist for the European Pensions magazine Personality of the Year 2009 has now been revealed.

I know, Guru can't believe it either, it only seems like last week that last year's winner was crowned. Anyway, surely "pensions personality" is an oxymoron?

The 2008 winner was, I'm sure disciples will remember, Dr Anton van Nunen of Van Nunen & Partners, pioneer of the fiduciary management concept in the Netherlands.

The lucky man (because it will be a man as they are all dull, middle-aged, white men) will be presented with their award at a gala evening at the Royal Lancaster Hotel in London later this week. Just the 25 categories to be awarded on the night...

In the interests of transparency, Guru would like everyone to know he voted for Tony Hobman, chief executive of The Pensions Regulator.

Guru can hardly contain himself, rumour has it Alastair Darling is the after dinner entertainment. Guru can certainly say he hasn't been this excited since the government announced the introduction of auto-enrolment for employees for 2012.

July 3, 2009

Alain de Botton gets his knickers in a twist

Guru would like to point disciples in the direction of this classic case of 'throwing toys out the pram' by author Alain de Botton (snigger) is response to a critical review of his book The Pleasures and Sorrow of Work.

The book is described on his website as "an exploration of the joys and perils of the modern workplace" but was not well received by critic Caleb Crain in the New York Times Book Review.

Crain said "he wasn't crazy" about the book and wrote, in Guru's opinion, a pretty fair assessment. But then De Botton, or someone purporting to be him, posted a message on Crain's blog in response to the review.

And he's not a happy bunny. He accuses Crain of "killing" his book in the US and of "vindictive lunacy" He says, in the style of Harry Enfield's stroppy teenager Kevin: "I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude."

Calm down Alain, deep breaths.

Of course, it could just be someone pretending to be Alain, but Guru prefers to think of this world famous successful author absolutely seething with rage at someone who dared to dislike his latest offering.


July 6, 2009

Stressed out? Just have a quick Bo-Tau session

Next time your struggling to cope with your workload and feeling stressed out by the pressure you're under, don't go whining to your employer - just start breathing properly.

An "inability to breathe correctly" is directly contributing to the stresses crippling the UK workforce, according to neuro-psychologist Dr David Lewis, who has been, somewhat inexplicably, researching the link between performance and breathing for more than 20 years.

Lewis says that when stressed, people's breathing changes and becomes faster, altering the chemical composition of the blood - reducing the amount of carbon dioxide present.

This can lead to a racing heart, chest pains, faintness, anxiety, panic, an inability to concentrate, increased sweating, a feeling of unreality, and visual disturbances. Sounds like the morning after a heavy night for Guru.

Lewis reckons bosses should look at how their employees are breathing as a way of boosting productivity. I can just imagine the HR director trying to sell that to the board...

Predictably, Lewis has devised (here comes the sell) a new technique called Bo-Tau which stands for Breath Optimised Transformational Unblocking. He says this will put employees in the zone and let them perform under stressful conditions.

Disciples should watch this short video and judge for themselves whether this would work in their organisation.

 

July 7, 2009

Introducing the UK's oldest HR person

Guru's favourite newspaper, the Daily Mail, carries the heart-warming story of Phyllis Self, aged 101 and officially Britain's oldest boss.

She is also Britain's oldest HR person - still working up to six days a week managing the garden centre business she opened in 1969.

The great-grandmother puts in a 36-hour week, dealing with all correspondence, payroll, and the hiring and firing of nearly 200 staff at the firm in Wiltshire.

According to the paper, she became a personnel officer for a wool mill in Rochdale after finishing school in 1925 and worked there for several years. Now that's dedication for you - an 84 year career in HR. Guru reckons she could teach the whinging HR youngsters of today a thing or two.

And the secret to her success? 'Keeping busy', not smoking and taking a whisky and ginger nightcap. Sounds like Guru's kind of granny.

You wonder what she would make of today's HR jargon. Guru reckons the CIPD should get her along to speak at its annual conference in Manchester. Phyllis would certainly be as interesting as last year's dullards.

July 8, 2009

Wookey Hole witch job open to men

How can you have a male witch?

Well, in our politically correct world where employers live in fear of discriminating against anyone that is breathing, you can.

Wookey Hole tourist site in Somerset is advertising for a witch to live in the caves, "be a witch and do the things witches do". As witch jobs go, it's pretty well paid - £50,000-a-year pro rata with most work in the summer hols, Halloween and Christmas.

But unless bosses can prove that the site's original witch was female, the job cannot demand the role is filled by a woman. So no doubt there will be scores of men applying for the job because of the tough jobs market, and Wookey Hole's HR person will have to follow due process.

Guru hopes common sense prevails and an old crone is appointed to the role. You really can't have a male witch - although they do exist. Yours Truly has done some research into the matter (Googling to be precise) and found out the following, courtesy of the site www.wicca.com
A male Witch is simply called a Witch, never a warlock and it is considered an insult to call a male Witch "Warlock". The word Warlock actually means "oath breaker". Some traditions of Wicca separate between female/male. The word "Wicce" pronounced (Wik-kay) designates a female Witch and "Wicca" pronounced (Wik-kah) designates a male Witch."
So now you know. But it'll really confuse the kids if the Wookey Hole witch is some hairy, cider-drinking bloke.
 

July 9, 2009

Wanted: Porn channel host with naked ambition

Wanted: TV host, £220 per shift, three days a week, good in front of the camera... and be happy to work semi-naked.

Jobcentre Plus is fulfilling its duty to advertise any legal job - this one just happens to be for the host of a TV porn channel.

The advert on the Jobcentre Plus website states: "Duties involve explicit sexual dialogue which may cause embarrassment to some. The successful applicant (will be) required to be semi-nude.

"Duties will involve working on a well-known adult TV channel... Must have good spoken communication skills as will be taking calls from the general public live on air."

The position is, of course, open to male or female applicants. All in the interests of diversity. I can't imagine too many blokes being happy when they switch on the adult channels late at night and see some bloke in his pants answering the phone.

Guru will take it upon himself to monitor the situation to make sure this adult channel gets the right woman for the job. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.
 

July 8, 2009

Bernie Ecclestone should speak at next CIPD conference

Guru nearly spilt his Erdinger beer all over his lederhosen when he read about Bernie Ecclestone's recent praise of Adolf Hitler's leadership style.

Old Bernie said he was a fan of Hitler's early days in power (before he became a genocidal lunatic) and praised his ability to "get things done". What is it with F1 bosses and the Nazis? First Max Mosley, now Ecclestone...

It got Guru thinking that Bernie would make a good speaker at the CIPD's annual conference in Manchester later this year. If he has such strong views on leadership, then it would be a great opportunity to share them with the HR community.

So far, Guru suggests the CIPD speaker line-up should be:
  • Bernie "Hitler is great" Ecclestone
  • Phyllis Self - the world's oldest HR practitioner
  • Fees Office chief and ex-HRD Andrew Walker. Famously said of releasing details of MPs expenses "transparency will damage democracy".
  • RBS HR chief Neil Roden - to spread the word on 'worst practice'
Help Guru complete the line-up. Who else should speak at the conference?

July 13, 2009

Va va boom - more explosive French news

First there was boss-napping, now angry workers at a factory in France have come up with a new tactic in their battle against redundancy.

Staff at bankrupt car parts maker New Fabris are threatening to blow up the plant if they do not receive compensation from the companies that provided most of the firm's business.

The 336 workers at the factory at Châtellerault, near Poitiers in central France, want Renault SA and PSA Peugeot Citroen to pay £25,850 to each of them in return for the company's remaining stocks of equipment and machinery.

And this is no empty threat - alarmingly, bottles of gas have already been placed at various parts of the factory and are apparently connected with each other.

This makes boss-napping look like a bit of a laugh. Earlier this year, staff from at least eight companies took their managers hostage in return for better pay and fewer redundancies. France has a history of boss-nappings dating back to May 1968 and the 1970s.

July 14, 2009

What's the best out of office message?

We are approaching the school holidays and the time of year when most parents use the bulk of their annual leave.

Phone calls go answered, emails go unread and post remains unopened. It's the time of year when UK Plc effectively shutdowns for six weeks.

There is nothing more infuriating when you send or forward an email to a colleague or key contact and you get their out of office message in reply. God damn! My urgent enquiry is now going to have to wait until you get back from two weeks with the kids on the Costa Del Sol.

But this got Guru thinking about what the best out of office messages disciples had come across.

Here's one for starters that disciple Noel received earlier this month.

Sent: 10 July 2009 14:14
Subject: on annual leave and hoping to win the lottery and not come back
So, please post a comment or email me your classic out of office messages. The best will receive six bottles of 'HR' wine - it's a lot nicer than it sounds, promise.

July 15, 2009

Personnel Today stays on tour

Personnel Today has certainly being going global recently. Japan, France, Reading... these are just a few of the exotic locations that disciples have taken their favourite HR publication - and been snapped in the process.

Here's a pic of Personnel Today's deputy editor Mike Berry visiting a dinosaur park near Montpellier on his hols. Now, no funny comments about HR dinosaurs roaming the earth please...

ptodontour.jpg

If any other disciples have holiday pics of themselves reading HR's number one publication, please email guru@personneltoday.com

July 17, 2009

Pagan police gain new employment rights

Police bosses have formally recognised pagans as a minority group and given the bobbies who practice witchcraft the same rights as other minority groups.

Coppers in the new Pagan Police Association will have guaranteed holiday on the faith's festival days around summer solstice and Halloween.

PC Andy Pardy, who set up the association, told Police Review magazine: "Paganism is not the new-age, tree-hugging fad that some people think it is. Nor is it a clandestine, horrible, evil thing.

"A lot of people think it is about dancing naked around a fire, but the rituals are not like that (shame, Guru thinks). It involves chanting, music, meditation and reading passages. For pagans, these have the same power as prayer does for Christians."

Altogether now... "political correctness gone mad". Guru is off to read the Daily Mail's coverage of this story.

July 20, 2009

Does Monday Monday paint true picture of HR?

Has anyone watched ITV's latest comedy drama Monday Monday, which follows the 'hilarious' antics of head of HR Christine Frances at fictional retailer Butterworths?

My God, is there a worse programme on TV? The phrase 'comedy drama' should already get alarm bells ringing and confirms that Guru's boycott of ITV on the grounds of the utter tripe that it pumps out, is the correct stance.

According to the website, tonight's episode sees head of HR Christine "hopelessly out of her depth when Steven is charged with sexually harassing two women in the office". And guess what? Christine is a borderline alcoholic - wow, what absolute comedy gold.

Actress Fay Ripley, who plays Christine, describes her character in an interview on the ITV website: "People ask how this woman has kept her job but it's like a lot of offices, she has been there a long time, probably from a junior and probably wasn't too bad originally."

Hang on a minute, that does sound like a familiar career path for some HR directors Guru has come across. 

It's fair to say that HR is not well portrayed by broadcasters or film makers. Who can forget Clint Eastwood muttering the immortal line as tough cop Dirty Harry: "Personnel? That's for assholes."

Personnel Today ran a feature last year that looked at HR on TV and concludes that scriptwriters appear to glory in representing HR professionals as evil and manipulative, but others portray them as pointless and sad.

Guru accepts this as an unfortunate consequence of working in HR. Chin up, everyone, and don't switch over to ITV and 9pm tonight.

July 21, 2009

Beware killer desk fans this summer

Guru has stumbled across this cautionary tale of a London-based office worker hospitalised after her hair was caught in the blades of a desk fan.

This bloody incident happened during the mini heatwave at the start of July and lead to Emily Hutnyk suffering blood loss and lacerations to the scalp.

With temperatures topping well above 30 degrees, she put a small fan on her desktop to try and keep cool. However, her long hair suddenly got pulled in between the fan grilles and trapped in the blades with horrific consequences.
 
Desk_Fan.jpgA clump of her long blonde hair (surprise, surprise, she's blonde) was forcefully pulled out of her scalp, together with a significant amount of skin. "It was over really fast actually", said Hutnyk, "in fact I think it was worse for my co-workers to watch - personally I passed out within seconds so I barely remember it. My colleagues told me later there was a lot of blood around - I think it was more traumatic for them to be honest."

According to reports, doctors are said to be considering hair implants to repair the damaged scalp once the wound has healed fully. Nasty...

The firm in question is "reviewing the cooling needs of the office" and has banned the use of desktop fans. A bit extreme, Guru thinks.

Now, at the advice of the GMB union (of course), Hutnyk is currently considering whether to pursue legal action against the company. Nothing can just be an accident any more can it? Someone always has to be to blame...

July 22, 2009

HR separated at birth

Here's the latest offering in Guru's quest to find those in HR that bear striking resemblances to the famous, infamous and mildly irritating.

And what a case in point we have here. For does not Richard Crouch, head of HR at Somerset County Council - featured on page 9 of 21 July issue of Personnel Today - look very much like Timmy Mallett?

Who can forget Mallett's Mallet from children's TV show Wacaday. Of course Timmy went and spoiled all those happy memories by being a total a**hole on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

Guru wonders if those naughty workers down in Somerset misbehave they get bonked over the head with a mallet. Boing!

Richard-Crouch-100x100.jpgrex_timmy-mallett-100x100.jpg








Please email your suggestions to guru@personneltoday.com

UPDATE: Richard Crouch replies:

Dear Guru,
How delighted I was to read of your comparison of me to Timmy Mallett in your 11 August edition. Whilst we may both wear glasses, may both have a strong sense of humour and both occasionally present to others, I'm afraid I don't sing, I don't draw and I detest Big Brother.

As to your suggestion of me bonking my 's workers over the head with soft mallets when naughty, I hadn't thought of that, but if this is what you consider to be best personnel practice then it is clearly something that I ought to consider.

Can you ask Timmy if he has any mallets going spare?

 

July 24, 2009

Best out of office message: competition update

Thanks to those disciples who have sent in examples of the best out of office email messages they have received.

Here are some cracking examples: Remember - the best wins six bottles of HR wine!

Sent: 19 September 2008 13:56
Please note that I am currently unavailable as I am down the pub for the next two weeks.
The pub is situated on a tropical island, the temperature is 40. The water is warm and the girls are lovely.
Unfortunately there is no e-mail access and there is no cell-phone coverage.
Bye-Bye suckers.
I will respond to your email upon my return. (If I still have a job).

I am out of the office until Monday 27 July 2009.
If you just can't wait, if your email is urgent, or you want to give me money, please contact the XXX secretary on XXX, XXX, or XXX.
If all else fails, scream. Nothing will change, but you'll feel better and your colleagues will develop An Opinion.
Regards

I will now be out of the office until XXXXX. Enjoy the peace

My Out of Office this year will say:
Nobody will be in HR for 2 weeks.  Hope you can find someone else to
whine to until then.

July 27, 2009

Swine flu - a worried employee calls work

Hat tip to financial gossip and news site Here is the City for this transcript of an employee worried he has swine flu and wondering whether to come to work. It has got hold of the transcript of a recent call to a third-party call centre that several banks are using to deal with employees who suspect that they have contracted swine flu.

Operator
Hello caller. Thanks for contacting the H1N1 virus helpline. I hope you're having a great day.

Caller
Actually, I'm not. I've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and I've got diarrhoea.

Operator
I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Now, how can we be of assistance to you today?

Caller
I'm sick, and I'm worried. Can you help me?

Operator
I hope so, sir. That's why we're here. Now, what are your symptoms?

Caller
I've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and I've got diarrhoea

Continue reading "Swine flu - a worried employee calls work" »

July 28, 2009

When I grow up I want to work in HR

The funny kids of US website HR.com remind us all why we first got into this life we call human resources. To be overworked, overlooked and underpaid, basically.

Guru wanted to be a dustbin man and astronaut when he was young...

July 29, 2009

HR separated at birth

Here's another look-a-likie from the crazy world of HR.

Compare, if you will, Chris Parry, chair of the Centre for High Performance Development and Personnel Today Awards judge and Trading Places actress Jamie Lee Curtis.

Surely separated at birth?

Chris-Parry-100x100.jpgrex_jamie-lee-curtis-100x100.jpg



Please email other suggestions to guru@personneltoday.com


July 28, 2009

Don't bank on new Bank Holiday

Guru sees the government has launched a consultation into how the UK officially recognises Workers Memorial Day or, as most of us know it, 28 April.

Good old socialist Labour wants to give bereaved families, unions who represent workers, and the public, the opportunity to have their say about how they would like to mark the day and commemorate those who have died.

Some reports say an extra bank holiday could be in the offing. Guru thinks this would be a fitting tribute to those that have perished in the line of duty. What better to honour our dead workplace colleagues than a lie in and an extra day slumped on the sofa?

Don't hold your breath, though. Work and pensions secretary Yvette Cooper says: "I know there are many ideas for consideration, including a lasting memorial." Oh great, another sculpture it is then...

The consultation runs until 19 October. Guru urges disciples to make their views known and vote for that extra day off!

July 29, 2009

Wookey Hole witch appointed

Common sense has prevailed and bosses at the Wookey Hole Caves tourist site in Somerset have appointed a female witch.

It's ironic that the new witch has been announced on the same day as the Women and Work Commission criticised the government for failing to tackle gender stereotypes in career advice.

Is the job of 'witch' a gender stereotype? Guru reckons it is. Apparently there were some transsexual candidates for the job, which would have been a neat way round the problem.

Disciples will remember that Guru was fretting over the fact the witch vacancy was also open to men. But former estate agent Carole Bohanan - now known as Carla Calamity - has beaten hundreds of cackling rivals to the job.

Carla has actually managed to find a job where people will actually be less scared of her than previously. She promises to bring a bit of glamour to the role, but that's not what witches should be about.

We want haggard old crones, not Bewitched-type beauties.


July 30, 2009

Number twos at Scotland Yard

The mood is not good in Scotland Yard's central control room, where telephone operators have been told to log (no pun intended) their toilet breaks.

Staff must log visits to the little boy's and girl's rooms as a 'code three' on a database.

A spokesman has said that only the amount of breaks will be stored, not the "detail of their nature." So no number ones and twos, presumably.

The New Rules of Work (apparently)

Guru has just discovered his new favourite book The New Rules of Work (PDF) by Mike Dauncey, founder of jobs board Tiptopjob.com. The book is described as an "un-pc and frank guide to the modern day world of work".

According to Dauncey, the 'new rules' are necessary because the recession has created a seismic shift in the jobs market. Working is about getting a job, any job, and doing anything you can to hold onto that job, he says.

Helpfully, Dauncey has provided some top tips for both employers and job seekers in this new environment.

Employers:
  • Cut out the 'dead wood'
  • If you have to make large scale redundancies, it is best to have a quick cull
  • Nearly 40% of job seekers would consider taking a salary cut of up to 20% in order to secure a job
  • It doesn't hurt to show your human side in all this, so take the initiative in organising a few activities, and take the lead in participating; bring your own food extended lunchtime picnic, dress down days, quizzes
  • Beware of the 'overqualified'.
Job seekers:
  • Withdraw or limit access to all of your social networking profile pages. Images of your latest drunken conquests will not be beneficial to the cause
  • Get to know their employees. How do they dress? Where do they hang out? It may sound a bit like espionage, but hang around the offices after work and find out what they do - is there a post-work drinks culture, a gym culture?
  • Don't make them feel past it by being too cutting edge, or by wearing anything that shows off too much of your youthful figure. Nobody wants to employ someone who is going to make them feel old, fat or boring every day of the week
  • If you have a strong accent you might want to try talking a bit more slowly than usual (practice this), and avoid the use of 'street' talk or slang like the plague
  • Take as little holiday as you can
  • Women - avoid getting pregnant
Absolute genius, I'm sure you'll agree. Guru bows down at the feet of a new HR hero.
 

About July 2009

This page contains all entries posted to Guru in July 2009. They are listed from oldest to newest.

June 2009 is the previous archive.

August 2009 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.