Guru

Out of office - witness at sheep dog trial

I'm off for Christmas and not back til January. I will be playing with the Batman rocket launcher Father Christmas has given to my son. It launches missiles up to six metres. Release the cat...

Currently larging it up in Ibiza to pumping sounds but will be back to join my friends at work on Monday

Guru, however curmudgeonly he or she may be, is prepared to admit that there are some things best done barefoot. Walking in the park (think of a young Jane Fonda and Robert Redford, although admittedly they didn't have to contend with the detritus found in the average British park these days). Swimming or bathing. Even sitting at your desk, feet well hidden from view.

But attending meetings with similarly unshod colleagues and clients? Guru's delicate nostrils quiver with distaste at the mere thought of it. Yet those hardy folk at East Cheshire Chamber of Commerce seem to be made of sterner stuff. A recent networking event saw them strip off their socks, shoes, and, who knows, perhaps even their inhibitions.

The event took place at the conference centre of flooring designer Barefoot, where all visitors have to remove footwear on arrival.

David Watson, leader of the chamber, organised the event. He said: "At first, people were quite shocked that they were leaving their shoes off, and it really took them out of their comfort zone, but they quickly adapted. What was remarkable was that being together barefoot broke down some barriers. People engaged in conversation freely and it made for a great atmosphere. It was a really innovative and dynamic day."

Frankly Guru can think of nothing less dynamic than other people's feet, although presumably any East Cheshire-based foot fetishists found it a rewarding day.

"One former target of workplace bullying likened Lyn to Schindler saying that she not only works to improve the lives of people who are targeted by bullies but the friends and families as well."

1. A coffee shop is recruiting female baristas whose only skill is to look good in bikinis
2. A call centre worker at the National Pandemic Flu Service was sacked after catching swine flu
3. Graduate Hannah George is the first woman in the world to gain a degree in stand-up comedy (no joke)
4. Retired police dogs are being paid a pension to help pay for their food and medical care
5. Queen bees produce a special scent to control her workers and scientists believe it could have implications for human behaviour - potentially in the workplace

Dear Mr. Darling,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them £1m apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

• They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - unemployment fixed
• They MUST buy a new British car. Twenty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed
• They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed
• They MUST send their kids to school, college or university - crime rate fixed
• They MUST buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week - there's the money back in duty

PS. If more money is needed, have all MPs pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.
Thank you.

The UK's judiciary is often accused of being out of step with the times (see complete inability to grasp anything technical developed after the quill pen) and given to imposing ridiculously long sentences for relatively minor crimes while letting serial killers off with a slap on the wrist.

But even Guru is impressed by news that a Chicago judge has just jailed someone for .... yawning. Better still, the new jailbird wasn't in court for sentencing, but was merely watching from the public gallery.

Williams' cousin was pleading guilty to drugs charges when he (Williams, that is) yawned and stretched so loudly that the judge had to temporarily stop proceedings. Even Guru, despite several attempts, has been able to recreate a yawn of such magnitude.

Sentenced to six months for criminal contempt, Williams is expected to serve at least three weeks before release.

Chuck Pelkie from Will County State Attorney's office said: "It wasn't a yawn. It was a loud, boisterous, deliberate noise and over-exaggerated stretch. It was a deliberate attempt to disrupt the court."

Hats off to ... which one? Williams or the judge? Guru can't decide which of them impressed more ...  

Hello
I'm off having my breath taken away by Berlin. I'll be back in on Monday 27th July.
If it's urgent, leave a message with one of the People's champions, or ring the banana phone on xxxx xxx xxxx
PS. You look fantastic

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Wendy' instead of Steve.

My favorite out of office story is about council workers in Swansea who erected a road sign informing motorists in Welsh "I am out of the office at the moment".
Apparently, the English wording for the bilingual road sign was emailed to a translation service. When the automatic email response was triggered (in Welsh), workers assumed this was the translated wording for the road sign.

I am out of the office until Friday 14th as I am driving a cow to the Arctic circle! (Guru has no idea what this means, either)

1. Schoolboy Bobby McHale was awarded a prize certificate simply for catching a bus. The curriculum included: "Walk to the local bus stop. Stand or sit... and wait for the arrival of a public bus. Sit on the bus and observe through the windows." 
2. One of the BBC's new football presenters landed the job despite refusing to work on a Sunday because he is a devout Christian.
3. Man catches laptop with his butt cheeks - great video
4. Eating too much fast food will make you thicker in more ways than one, according to a study
5. Deputy PM Harriet Harman criticised for leaving work early

1. Police sergeant performs three-week comedy run at Edinburgh Fringe festival
   
2. Czech DJ loses on air bet and presents show naked
3. Two Chinese women who work at the same factory were shocked to discover they were both married to the same man
4. Do you have a Freddie Flintoff in your office?
   
5. Record top A-level grades awarded (oh, sorry, that's not a joke)

1. Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
2. Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
3. Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
4. Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
5. Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
6. Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
7. Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
8. Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
9. Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
10. Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
    

1. Unemployed man puts himself up for sale on eBay
2. Robot chef cooks meals in new restaurant in China
3. Jobcentre advertises for lapdancers and strippers
4. Police officers sent on course to help them smile
5. Google staff BBQ causes office fire