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August 2009 Archives

August 3, 2009

Best out of office message: competition update

Continuing thanks to those disciples who have sent in examples of the best out of office email messages they have received.

Here are some more great examples: Remember - the best wins six bottles of HR wine!

Out of office - witness at sheep dog trial

I'm off for Christmas and not back til January. I will be playing with the Batman rocket launcher Father Christmas has given to my son. It launches missiles up to six metres. Release the cat...

Currently larging it up in Ibiza to pumping sounds but will be back to join my friends at work on Monday

August 4, 2009

Sky staff break nursery rhyme record

What better way to boost workforce morale than a mass rendition of 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'?

Well, Guru can think of a few hundred, but staff at Sky were 'cajoled to participate', according to the company, in the giant game as part of a seemingly pointless attempt to break the Guinness World Record.

Some 1,252 people were press ganged, sorry, invited, which safely beat the previous record of 1,217 people taking part in Taiwan last year. Congratulations to all those at Guru's favourite subscription TV service.

The record-breaking performance was part of 'Skyfest' - the firm's music and entertainment festival. The shindig included comedy, music, dancing and a funfair as sounds like a kick-ass employee reward event.

Who knows how much this thing cost to put on, but if Guru's Sky Sports subscription goes up anytime soon then he'll know what's to blame.

August 5, 2009

Walking barefoot in the park - or maybe not

Guru, however curmudgeonly he or she may be, is prepared to admit that there are some things best done barefoot. Walking in the park (think of a young Jane Fonda and Robert Redford, although admittedly they didn't have to contend with the detritus found in the average British park these days). Swimming or bathing. Even sitting at your desk, feet well hidden from view.

But attending meetings with similarly unshod colleagues and clients? Guru's delicate nostrils quiver with distaste at the mere thought of it. Yet those hardy folk at East Cheshire Chamber of Commerce seem to be made of sterner stuff. A recent networking event saw them strip off their socks, shoes, and, who knows, perhaps even their inhibitions.

The event took place at the conference centre of flooring designer Barefoot, where all visitors have to remove footwear on arrival.

David Watson, leader of the chamber, organised the event. He said: "At first, people were quite shocked that they were leaving their shoes off, and it really took them out of their comfort zone, but they quickly adapted. What was remarkable was that being together barefoot broke down some barriers. People engaged in conversation freely and it made for a great atmosphere. It was a really innovative and dynamic day."

Frankly Guru can think of nothing less dynamic than other people's feet, although presumably any East Cheshire-based foot fetishists found it a rewarding day.


 

 

August 4, 2009

Schindler comparison leaves Guru aghast

Workplace bullies have been given the green light this week to carry on perpetrating their heinous actions after bullying charity Andrea Adams closed its doors due to a lack of cash. 

Cue many platitudes from interested parties along the lines of "sad day" and "scratched the surface" and "swept under the rug".

One line in the press release about the charity's chief executive Lyn Witheridge particularly caught Guru's eye and had him aghast with disbelief. It reads:
"One former target of workplace bullying likened Lyn to Schindler saying that she not only works to improve the lives of people who are targeted by bullies but the friends and families as well."
Now, granted that some people deserve praise for doing noble and selfless work, but this amazing comparison, Guru believes, over-eggs the pudding slightly.

Oscar Schindler saved hundreds of Jews from the Nazi gas chambers during the Holocaust. Lyn Witheridge... well, I'll let disciples draw their own conclusions.

Guru just thinks that comparing yourself to a world famous, inspirational humanitarian might lead you to being labelled a muckety-muck.

August 5, 2009

United Airlines using Dave Carroll guitar video as staff training aid

Disciples will no doubt already be aware of the legend that is Dave Carroll who has gained worldwide fame for his YouTube video United Breaks Guitars, which slates United Airlines.

To cut a long story short, he saw United Airlines staff break his guitar, couldn't get them to admit liability and after a long fight got nowhere so wrote a song. The airline's stock plummeted when the video went viral - but it now claims to be using the song as a staff training aid.

In true corporate speak, United said: "His video is excellent and we plan to use it internally as a unique learning and training opportunity."



August 6, 2009

Wear your new HR t-shirt with pride

Do you feel ashamed to work in HR? Do you suffer from feelings of guilt and self-loathing? Relax, we've all been there. Guru has long got used to those hate-filled looks from colleagues and whispered conversations.

Well, no longer will we walk the office with our heads bowed and apologise for doing our job. Next time it's mufti day in the office, or dress down Friday, then Guru wants disciples to don one of these t-shirts and show how proud you are to work in the world we call HR.

The blurb on the UpstartHR online store says of this t-shirt: "The human resources field is pretty wild. We handle just about everything, and this shirt proves it! Whether legal, strategic, or psychological, HR takes on the tough stuff."

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Other designs include the 'HR Ninja' t-shirt, available in both men and women's size, and a range of children's wear. Super stuff.

August 7, 2009

Network Rail HR award entry derailed

News reaches Guru on the jungle drums of one organisation that definitely won't be winning at this year's Personnel Today Awards.

So upset are the top brass at Network Rail at recent magazine articles spotlighting the behaviour of its HR director Peter Bennett, that in a fit of pique they have withdrawn their entry.

A disgruntled employee from Network Rail's HR team rang Personnel Today Towers to inform us of the decision by "the powers that be". How cruel that he and his colleagues have been denied their moment in the sun by the spineless management.

Surely making the shortlist in the recruitment and retention category - and a glitzy night out at the Grosvenor Hotel in London - would have been the perfect filip for a few members of the beleaguered HR team.

It would have at least been a chance to get away from Bennett who, as disciples will recall, "presides over a culture of fear and bullying" (according to one Labour MP). Guru is sure the female members of the team would have particularly appreciated the break.

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Yes it's Friday, the weekend is just hours away and what better way to waste time until you sign off than reading some workplace funnies selected by Yours Truly.

Here are some of the best quirky stories about the world of work from the past week.

  1. A coffee shop is recruiting female baristas whose only skill is to look good in bikinis
  2. A call centre worker at the National Pandemic Flu Service was sacked after catching swine flu
  3. Graduate Hannah George is the first woman in the world to gain a degree in stand-up comedy (no joke)
  4. Retired police dogs are being paid a pension to help pay for their food and medical care
  5. Queen bees produce a special scent to control her workers and scientists believe it could have implications for human behaviour - potentially in the workplace
Happy reading - enjoy the weekend!

August 10, 2009

HR joke of the day

Thanks to disciple Linda for sending in this joke.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. "Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a HR manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman, "can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

Continue reading "HR joke of the day" »

August 11, 2009

How to fix Britain's economy in five easy steps

Disciples may have seen this email doing the rounds - a spoof letter to chancellor Alistair Darling.

Dear Mr. Darling,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them £1m apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
  • They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - unemployment fixed
  • They MUST buy a new British car. Twenty million cars ordered - auto industry fixed
  • They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed
  • They MUST send their kids to school, college or university - crime rate fixed
  • They MUST buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week - there's the money back in duty
PS. If more money is needed, have all MPs pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.
Thank you.
Guru is yet to see a flaw in this genius plan. What does everyone think?

August 12, 2009

Personnel Today on tour

Muchas gracias to disciple Kate for sending in this pic of her on holiday in Egypt. It just goes to show that a copy of Personnel Today can be enjoyed anytime, anywhere.

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If disciples have holiday pics of themselves reading HR's number one publication, then share them with the rest of us. Email guru@personneltoday.com

August 11, 2009

How to lose your job via Facebook


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August 13, 2009

Jailed for yawning

The UK's judiciary is often accused of being out of step with the times (see complete inability to grasp anything technical developed after the quill pen) and given to imposing ridiculously long sentences for relatively minor crimes while letting serial killers off with a slap on the wrist.

But even Guru is impressed by news that a Chicago judge has just jailed someone for .... yawning. Better still, the new jailbird wasn't in court for sentencing, but was merely watching from the public gallery.

Williams' cousin was pleading guilty to drugs charges when he (Williams, that is) yawned and stretched so loudly that the judge had to temporarily stop proceedings. Even Guru, despite several attempts, has been able to recreate a yawn of such magnitude.

Sentenced to six months for criminal contempt, Williams is expected to serve at least three weeks before release.

Chuck Pelkie from Will County State Attorney's office said: "It wasn't a yawn. It was a loud, boisterous, deliberate noise and over-exaggerated stretch. It was a deliberate attempt to disrupt the court."

Hats off to ... which one? Williams or the judge? Guru can't decide which of them impressed more ...  


Best out of office message: competition update

Here are the latest entries into Guru's best out of office email competition - thanks to disciples that have sent them in.

The prize for the winner has changed - the best, as judged by Yours Truly - now wins an HR Ninja t-shirt, courtesy of UpStartHR.
Hello
I'm off having my breath taken away by Berlin. I'll be back in on Monday 27th July.
If it's urgent, leave a message with one of the People's champions, or ring the banana phone on xxxx xxx xxxx
PS. You look fantastic

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Wendy' instead of Steve.

My favorite out of office story is about council workers in Swansea who erected a road sign informing motorists in Welsh "I am out of the office at the moment".
Apparently, the English wording for the bilingual road sign was emailed to a translation service. When the automatic email response was triggered (in Welsh), workers assumed this was the translated wording for the road sign.

I am out of the office until Friday 14th as I am driving a cow to the Arctic circle! (Guru has no idea what this means, either)

August 14, 2009

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Almost another week done and it's time for Guru's weekly dose of workplace funnies. Here are a selection of the best quirky stories from the world of work over the past week.

  1. Schoolboy Bobby McHale was awarded a prize certificate simply for catching a bus. The curriculum included: "Walk to the local bus stop. Stand or sit... and wait for the arrival of a public bus. Sit on the bus and observe through the windows." 
  2. One of the BBC's new football presenters landed the job despite refusing to work on a Sunday because he is a devout Christian.
  3. Man catches laptop with his butt cheeks - great video
  4. Eating too much fast food will make you thicker in more ways than one, according to a study
  5. Deputy PM Harriet Harman criticised for leaving work early

August 17, 2009

Transsexual woman asked for genitalia pic

A disturbing story from across the pond about a transsexual woman, Kate Lynn Blatt, being asked by her employer to provide a picture of her genitalia before being allowed to use the female changing rooms.

The Usefully Employed blog points to this shocking event, originally reported in the Philadelphia Gay News.

Blatt has filed complaints against employer Sapa and staffing agency Manpower with the Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission, alleging wrongful discharge based on sex and disability. She said her disability is gender dysphoria - where individuals feel they are trapped in the body of the wrong sex.

An unfortunate use of the term "wrongful discharge" Guru thinks. Conjures up all sorts of unpleasant images...

August 19, 2009

Oh good, it's National Hug Your Boss Day

Such was the success of last year's event, that this Friday (21 August) sees the return of National Hug Your Boss Day. Oh hooray!

The whole of this coming Friday is dedicated to "testing the quality of their working relationship" with their manager through an unavoidably awkward clinch. Apparently, if you do not feel comfortable hugging your boss then the relationship needs to be addressed. Guru would suggest that quite the opposite is true.

Yours Truly also suspects that the extent to which you feel happy to cuddle your boss depends largely on what sector you find yourself in.

Hairdressers may hug their line manager regularly in the local Yates' wine lodge at 11pm on a Friday night, while apprentices at building yards are less likely to find themselves in a clinch with their guv'nor on a rubble-strewn site of a Monday morning.

Guru bets the HR team at Network Rail won't be getting into the swing of things given their boss Peter Bennett's track record.

No, Yours Truly is shunning the day, and is instead looking forward to National Fondle Your Office Junior Day - otherwise known as the Christmas party.

August 18, 2009

Wookey Hole witch gets new job offer

Disciples will recall that earlier this summer former estate agent Carole Bohanan beat 300 cackling crones to be the new Wookey Hole witch and a £50,000 pro-rata salary.

Carole gave up her job as an estate agent in Shepton Mallet, Somerset to take up the post, which only actually requires her witchy services for 10 weeks of the year - so she's actually only getting just shy of 10 grand.

Taking sympathy of her plight, fellow estate agent Jules Bending is now offering her a job when she is not serving time down 'The Hole' during school holidays.

He said: "It's all well and good Wookey Hole giving her work 10 weeks of the year, but what is she going to do for the other 42 weeks she is unemployed? She used to be a good estate agent in Shepton Mallet (big claim), so we'll keep her off the streets and on her broom."

There is a catch however; Carole must continue to dress as Carla Calamity, the Wookey Hole witch, when she shows people around houses. Is she does, then the firm will match her £50,000 salary also on a pro-rata basis.

No word as yet as to whether the offer has been accepted, but Guru reckons it will be a nice change to be shown round properties by a witch, rather than the usual clowns you get.

August 19, 2009

Fat bloke tells NHS staff to lose weight

An overweight man today told NHS workers they needed to stop smoking, lose weight and generally stop being so unhealthy.

A review of NHS staff health and wellbeing by Dr Steve Boorman found that nurses, doctors and other healthcare professionals are not exactly a picture of health.

But then neither is Boorman himself, judging by his picture on the review website. Guru thinks he looks a bit like Henry VIII. Nothing more galling than being told you are unhealthy by someone who looks like he could do with shedding a few pounds.

August 20, 2009

PowerPoint celebrates 25th birthday

Happy birthday to PowerPoint!

Yes, the bane of many workers' lives is a quarter of a century old. That's 25 years of boring presentations and slow deaths in conference halls.

The BBC News Magazine site has produced a piece on the gripes with PowerPoint presentations - and I'm sure disciples have all got their PowerPoint nightmares they have lived through.

Guru's worst memory was, strangely enough, not in a workplace environment. It was at a wedding when the father of the bride made guests sit through a presentation of pics of his beloved daughters' life.

Guru was almost desperate for some bullet points and venn diagrams to break the cycle of family photos. Alas, no - just another picture of her having riding lessons as a teenager.

Feel free to share your PowerPoint nightmares here.


Man injures himself to avoid work

The BBC is running a story about a hotel cleaner in Aberdeen who attacked himself with a boulder and a razor to avoid going to work.

Steven Reid was on is way to work one day and just fancied a day off. Rather than phone in sick or fake a family tragedy like the rest of us would do, he cut his face repeatedly with a razor blade and picked up a boulder and hit himself on the head and body.

He then went to the police and claimed he had been beaten up. Reid blamed "family issues" for the extreme act and said: "Looking back, I should have just phoned work and asked them for the day off."

Great quote, sums it all up really. He's now been fined £100 quid for wasting police time. Silly boy.


August 21, 2009

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Hooray it's Friday and time for Guru's weekly dose of workplace funnies. Here's a selection of the weird and wonderful from the world of work this week. How's that for alliteration?

  1. Police sergeant performs three-week comedy run at Edinburgh Fringe festival
  2. Czech DJ loses on air bet and presents show naked
  3. Two Chinese women who work at the same factory were shocked to discover they were both married to the same man
  4. Do you have a Freddie Flintoff in your office?
  5. Record top A-level grades awarded (oh, sorry, that's not a joke)

August 25, 2009

Crazy horse hair woman and other bad haircuts

Guru could not let the opportunity pass to show disciples a picture of this lovely lady and her beautifully shaped hair. The picture was taken at some posh do at the Deauville Casino in France on Sunday.

HorseHair-rex.jpgImagine if one of your employees turned up for work one day with their hair like that - or shaped like any other animal.

Yours Truly finds this picture a bit like driving past a car crash - you really want to look away but find yourself strangely compelled to keep staring.

It got Guru wondering whether disciples had any hair-related horror stories they wanted to share? Have you ever had to discipline a worker over a dodgy barnet or tell them to get their hair cut?

Has there been a situation when someone has come in with a really unsuitable mop - perhaps bright pink - that caused an office kerfuffle?

Share the pain with the rest of us by leaving a comment below.

August 26, 2009

Harriet Harperson eyes up naturists

Guru's favourite female MP - Harriet Harman, sorry, Har-person is at it again. She's found another 'victim' group to protect and looks set to legislate to 'protect' them.

A submission written by campaign group British Naturism has been included in a review into discrimination by the Government Equalities Office, reports the Times.

"Naturists encounter prejudice in employment," it reads. "This is a particular problem for people in the caring professions and education. Any occupation requiring an enhanced Criminal Record Bureau check is potentially a serious problem. Naturists sometimes have to choose between career and continuing to be a naturist."

Guru can see how that could be the case. But is nudity really an offence? Guru likes nothing better than wondering around his living room in the buff of a weekend. It's only when he ventures to the shops to by a paper that potential problems occur.

If someone likes to get their kit off, either at home or in specially designated locations, then that shouldn't impact on their chances of employment. All Guru asks is that they let him into their little nuddie club.

August 25, 2009

Caster Semenya - new career in the City awaits

The recently humiliated South African gold medal winner Caster Semenya had three times female level of testosterone in body, according to media reports. Now this may or may not make her a man for the purposes of international athletics, but she could consider a career change to financial services.

Boffins in the US have been looking at what role the hormone testosterone plays in gender differences in financial risk-taking.

The study found that women with high testosterone take more financial risks and that students with higher levels of testosterone and low risk aversion were more likely to choose riskier careers in finance.

A timely study, Guru thinks, what with Harriet Harman's assertion that the credit crunch could have been avoided in their were more women in charge of things. They would need their hormone levels checking first, Harriet sweetheart.

So Caster could be a hit in the City dealing rooms if she fancies ditching the running in the future. Plus she would be great at the annual company sports day.

August 27, 2009

HR hopefuls in Civil Service diversity awards

Guru can only wonder what it must be like to work in HR in Whitehall's fabled corridors of power. Yours Truly has never been lucky enough to get a Civil Service gig, if he had then surely he would have heard of this crack team of HR pros?

The categories for something called the Civil Service Diversity and Equality Awards include the impressively vague Improvement Award. Making the prestigious shortlist for this award is the HR Validation Group Monitoring team at the Department of Health.

Nope, Guru has no idea what this means either. But it looks like these HR bods basically aim to get more people to tick all the boxes on equality forms. And, according to their award entry, they're quite good at it.

Well done on your achievements guys, you truly are legends in your own lunchtime. But HRVGM are up against stiff competition, including the Violence Against Women Team at the Crown Prosecution Service.

Guru presumes this team is working to prevent violence against women, but whatever, no-one will beat (pardon the pun) the HRVGM team. Guru will report back on their awards success.
 

August 26, 2009

Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe festival jokes

Wow your colleagues at work with these witty jokes, stolen from comedians at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.
  1. Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
  2. Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
  3. Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
  4. Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
  5. Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
  6. Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
  7. Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
  8. Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
  9. Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
  10. Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

August 27, 2009

Personnel Today on tour

Köszönet to disciple Jo who sent in this pic of her partner at the Hungarian Grand Prix back in July.

Good to see Personnel Today making an appearance at F1 racing. The sport has often been accused of being boring and predictable, so at least a copy of HR's number one publication will keep you entertained.

Hungaroring (20).JPGPlease email your photos to guru@personneltoday.com

August 28, 2009

Guru's Friday time-wasting game

Guru stumbled across this excellent online game when looking to kill a few hours.

Thanks to the good people at Hirescores.com for discovering the Tea Gauntlet game

Make sure you have another window open on your computer though so if the boss is coming you can quickly click away.

Although Guru is sure disciples don't need any reminding to do that...

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

It's Friday so it must be time for some workplace funnies. Here's five of the quirkiest workplace stories from this week.
  1. Unemployed man puts himself up for sale on eBay
  2. Robot chef cooks meals in new restaurant in China
  3. Jobcentre advertises for lapdancers and strippers
  4. Police officers sent on course to help them smile
  5. Google staff BBQ causes office fire

About August 2009

This page contains all entries posted to Guru in August 2009. They are listed from oldest to newest.

July 2009 is the previous archive.

September 2009 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.