Guru

At the beach - no laptop, no Blackberry, no iPhone... back on Sept 7th

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(The wicked beauty of this concept is that when you do pick up the messages you can see who has tried several times to 'comply' with the instruction!

Phone clicks through to answer machine: Sound of gunfire and distant shouts. Voice shouting: 'I'm a bit tied up'. Couple of explosions and sound of a tank. 'Voice shouting 'On operations fighting for Queen and country'. More explosions. Voice close up 'You can leave a message, but to be honest there's absolutely nothing I will do about it'. Shouts and general sounds of chaos. Voice again 'If I were you I'd bother someone else'. Shout of 'Incoming' followed by a massive explosion, at which point the answer phone stopped.

1. Graduate gets job after stint on Trafalgar Square plinth
2. Prison officers should be degree level educated
3. Rochdale council staff given three days' pay to wait for lift
4. Terry Wogan says newsreaders have easiest job in the media
5. Models banned by golf club for sexy caddie services

Yes, when it comes to Flintshire Council's staff canteen menu, Spotted Dick is no more. Staff can have Spotted Richard. They can have Sultana Sponge. But they can't have Spotted Dick.

According to the council, staff in Mold (now, isn't that a name that's just begging to be changed?) took the decision following "immature comments", although a spokesman hastened to point out that this was not a policy decision.

Councillor Klaus Armstrong-Braun, an oddly named yet evidently sane and honourable man, was quick to criticise the council, referring to the decision as ludicrous. He also accused the management involved of being "frightened of their own shadow." Well said. Buy that man a cake, says Guru.

1. Hospital staff suspended for playing Facebook Lying Down game
   
2. Master cheese grader in Somerset insures his nose for £5m
3. Half of Brits injured by biscuits during tea break
4. Virgin Media engineer falls asleep on the job
5. Barman sacked after complaining when TV was turned to X Factor final wins unfair dismissal claim.

Thousands of British bosses are set to enforce 'Facebook breaks' in a bid to stop employees wasting time with this awful social media.

Well, that's according to a press release that dropped into Guru's inbox. Employment lawyers say an increasing number of firms want to take action against staff who they claim are being distracted by social networking websites.

They want to impose breaks, similar to smoking breaks, to limit the amount of time workers spend on these sites.

Giles Ridgeway, a consultant at Employment Law Advisory Services, said he had been inundated by bosses determined to clamp down on the new media curse. "Some have said it appears to be a habit similar to smokers needing their fix of nicotine. Hence the idea of allowing employees as much time to log-on as their colleagues get to have a cigarette.

"It would simply entail two five-minute breaks a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, to allow workers to log on. If they go on sites, such as Facebook at other times, staff will face disciplinary action."

Guru favours this hardline approach. But what if these Facebook and Twitter addicts are also smokers? Does that mean they get two, two five-minute breaks a day? And will employers be obliged to provide some kind of stop-Facebook-ing service to help their poor addicted staff quit the habit?

So many questions, so few answers. Guru is off to update his status to 'confused'.

1. Bulgarian judge holds disco inside court
2. Spanish court rules that calling your boss "son of bitch" not grounds for dismissal
3. Women make better beer tasters, according to Australian brewery
4. Female Clifford Chance lawyers get £90 lingerie allowance reinstated
5. Aussie prison guards fight for right to moan about employer on Facebook

Workplace pests can take many forms. Mice nibbling at cables, fleas hopping across carpets, even lecherous colleagues lurking in the stationery room are all part and parcel of working life and, as such, evoke no sympathy whatsover.

But even Guru experienced a fleeting twinge of compassion on hearing of the plight of beleagured Australian psychologist Suzanne Habib.

Habib had to be rescued from her Queensland office last week when a "frantic" kangaroo smashed through the window and began leaping around. Colleague Tony Baddock, displaying that famous Australian skill for telling it as it is, said: "Poor old Suzanne just screamed and went straight up in the air."

Baddock led his distressed colleague to safety, helping her over a toppled bookshelf in the process, before "persuading" the kangaroo to hop out of the building and on its way.

Who'd have thought that chivalry was alive and well - and in an Australian office, of all places? 

Photo by g[wiz].

"I am nearing the end of an interim role and I would love to treat my HR Advisor in return for the support, committment and humour she has given throughout"

"I think I should get them because I'm a friendly, smiley person and I had to suffer through making lots of people redundant in the last 12 months. Also, one of my gerbils died two weeks ago and I am upset about it."

"...to the vets... chickens need antibiotics... to the orthodontist  ... daughter needs braces ...to the office (late)... can anyone smell chicken poo?    Please rescue me ... I need to get out more..."

"Such a lavish and gracious night
With faces filled with such delight
A chance to share a special time
Hoping one day a prize will be mine."

"I'm fun: who else would ask Jacqueline Gold (CE0 of Ann Summers): 'Do you know where I can get a spare set of keys for the handcuffs?' at PPMA conference?"

Dear Guru
I just had to share this with you.
My colleagues in Central HR have sent me an updated copy of our maternity policy. I found the following under the section Frequently Asked Questions.
"AN EMPLOYEE IS EXPECTING A BABY AND WE HAVE RECEIVED SEPARATE APPLICATIONS TO TAKE PATERNITY LEAVE FROM THE WOMAN'S ESTRANGED HUSBAND, HER LESBIAN PARTNER WITH WHOM SHE SHARES A HOUSE AND THE CHILD'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER. WHICH ONE, IF ANY, IS ELIGIBLE FOR THE LEAVE?"
I wonder how many times this question has been asked?
Kind regards,
Disciple Peter
Bemused Local Government Employee

1. US cops caught playing Nintendo Wii on the job
2. Airline boss shouts at own staff after check-in delays
3. Crash hero BA pilot living off jobseeker's allowance
4. Hospital worker kitesurfs across English Channel
5. Brothers separated at birth discover they work at same company

"This year I've blagged guest list for many VIP events if I get tickets to the awards my boss will be amazed that it relates to my actual work!"

"If the comedian doesn't turn up I can stand in and give a funny, entertaining, motivational talk!"

T his
H uge
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P romotes
E xcellence
R ookies,
S ome
O rganisations
N eed
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E xperts to
L ook

T o what
O rganisations
D id in 2009
A nd
Y es,

A ttendance
W ould
A ssist
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D oing
S ubmission for 2010

Guru, being blue, has to think especially carefully about what colours suit him best. So much so that he is encouraged to hear that more and more Britons are opting for that easy, suits-everyone, monochrome look.

According to well-known fashion experts Travelodge, British workers are taking their fashion advice from film director Quentin Tarantino, and power-dressing in black and white, like the characters in his iconic blood fest, Reservoir Dogs.

Basing its fashion decree on the clothes left behind in its rooms (without, apparently, asking why), Travelodge has concluded the following:

• 60% of the 14,786 shirts left behind were white
• 89%  of the 1005 discarded business suits were black, as were
• 50% of the 3,105 ties (surely this suggests funerals, rather than business)
• 50 of the 69,986 abandoned socks were, less surprisingly, black

Sadly, these figures suggest to Guru, not a nation of sharply dressed smooth operators, but one of dull people who can still, despite the recession, afford to chuck away clothes. Or that people considering illicit encounters, particularly with sexual or murdurerous intent, see Travelodge as their venue of choice.

Either way, Guru will not be taking his style tips from a budget hotel chain.