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October 2009 Archives

October 1, 2009

Bulgarian bad boy's bus dreams

News reaches Guru of innovative thinking from our Eastern European cousins in Bulgaria. A 15-year-old boy is being trained as a bus driver after he stole three of the vehicles in a month.

The firm he nicked them from has agreed to pay for two years of training, because young Dimitar has an "insurmountable craving" to be a bus driver.

Guru wonders whether Dimitar really displayed all the characteristics needed to be a good bus driver; selective blindness - first when it comes to stopping at some request stops, and second, driving off when passengers actually want to board the bus.

Then there is the inexplicable desire to rag round like a touring car driver, despite the fact they are behind the wheel of a double decker or, God forbid, a bendy bus.

Oh yes, and just general all-round surliness when you, like, dare so much to talk to them or pay in cash.

Guru thinks if this is what it takes to drive a bus, then all those ASBO-weilding hoodies that nick cars and joyride, like Dimitar, should be signed up on bus driver training courses straight away. You can, after all, get a BTEC in 'Delivering a Bus Service' in London.

Guru's links to Friday workplace funnies

Guru's latest selection of links to the weirdest and funniest work-related stories of the week.
  1. New university students munch 5 million pizza slices during Fresher's Week
  2. Prisoners escape after wardens fail to show up at work
  3. Highways agency staff rescue Darth Vadar actor
  4. 'Too glamorous' graduate told to tone down her image
  5. Slices of ham voted employee of the month (so good, Guru had to show picture)
epic-fail-employee-month-fail.jpg


October 5, 2009

Harriet Harman car crash inquiry

In the interests of equality - which everyone knows Ms Har-person is so manically obsessive about - Guru hopes that Inspector Knacker will treat Harriet as they would any other member of the public caught crashing into a car while talking on a mobile phone (allegedly).

The Daily Mail has now, in splendid style, renamed the deputy prime minister 'Hit and run' Harman, slightly over-stating the seriousness of the incident. She did allegedly wind down the window of her Ford Fiesta after the prang and tell an onlooker: 'I'm Harriet Harman - you know where you can get hold of me'.

Yours Truly might try this one the next time he has a bump in the Gurumobile.

October 6, 2009

Best job in the world (yes, another one)

How many 'best jobs in the world' can you have? By definition, surely only one?

However, a new 'best job' seem to come along every few weeks, ever since the original 'best job in the world' - the caretaker of an Australian tropical island - was filled by the slappable Brit Ben Southall back in May.

The latest job was the hunt for two people to road test Orlando's plentiful tourist attractions, tag line 67 Days of Smiles. The city's tourism chiefs wanted two lucky bods willing to ride roller coasters, dine at restaurants, attend concerts, swim with dolphins - all while smiling nonstop the entire time.

The two month gig was all expenses paid, and included a free condo, car, plus a sweetener of about £18,000.

However, the downside of the job includes long hours of having fun, no off days, constantly having to take digital photos and report about all activities via Facebook, Twitter and Flickr.

Ten finalists were flown to Orlando to participate in a 67-hour long "boot camp" to determine the two most air headed wastrels (surely, most qualified applicants? Ed.). The winners were (unemployed) actor Kyle Post and Stacy Doornbos, a jobless childcare worker.

Guru awaits with bated breath for the next 'best job' later this year.

Disciples can visit their 67 Days of Smiles blog here.

October 7, 2009

Sathnam Sanghera causes a stink about HR

HR departments: I've never seen the point of them. That's the not-at-all inflammatory headline of an article in the Times by columnist Sathnam Sanghera.

His opinion piece featured the tired old argument of excessive navel-gazing, and lines such as: "You'll find more neurosis between the covers of your average edition of Personnel Today than your average edition of Cosmopolitan."

Thanks very much for the mention Sathnam... but if anyone's going to have a pop at HR, it's Guru, OK?

No doubt Sathnam has been crossed off many Christmas card lists and people will cancel their subscriptions to the Times in disgust. All this from a guy who has previously been crowned 'HR journalist of the year' in the Watson Wyatt Awards. No votes for him next year, then.

The piece got the HR blogosphere buzzing with, literally, a handful of people queing up to defend their profession, but what really tickled Guru was some of the comments about the article on the paper's website. Here is his favourite:

"HR: Human Remains, parasitical, non-productive, except for producing endless and meaningless "management-speak euphemisms". Bloated sense of importance."
That's someone with a really bad experience of HR.

Guru would encourage disciples who disagree with Sathnam's views to drop him a line with particularly large file attachments at sathnam@thetimes.co.uk.

Alternatively, drop Yours Truly an email with ideas for an article entitled: Newspaper columnists: Why they write rabble-rousing tosh.

October 6, 2009

Breaking news - Wookey Hole witch to be sacked

BREAKING NEWS...
BREAKING NEWS...


Disciples will remember the story of the recruitment campaign to appoint a new Wookey Hole witch. Former estate agent Carole Bohanan - now known as Carla Calamity - beat hundreds of cackling rivals to the job.

But now it has been revealed she could be about to cast her last spell. The tourist site's boss has said she will be sacked at the end of the month, straight after Halloween. Apparently, our Carla is not a 'people person' and has been given the boot.

Guru didn't think that interpersonal skills were traditionally that important for a witch, but he's obviously wrong.

Perhaps Carla Calamity could now get a job in HR?

October 8, 2009

The search is on for HR's hunks and hotties

Forget strategic HR, thought leadership and power players; the time has come for us all to identify the real talent in the HR community: the hunks and the hotties.

Yes, that's right, Guru is searching for the best HR pros out there. And by 'best', he of course means the most attractive. Now Yours Truly has been to numerous Personnel Today Awards and knows there are some beautiful people out there - of both genders. We in HR should be really proud of what a good looking bunch we actually are (so much better than those strangelings in finance).

Do you work with someone in your HR team that is drop dead gorgeous? Is there a real fit lad or lass in your department that you think could be the best HR has to offer?

If so, then enter them into Guru's nationwide search to find the best looking HR men and women. Email guru@personneltoday.com with a pic attached and Guru will chair a panel of judges to vote on the sexiest male and female. The winners will be featured in a future issue of Personnel Today magazine.

Come on y'all in the HR community, nominate your boss, director, co-worker or colleague. Don't be shy now... (by the way, you can nominate yourself - Guru plans to.)

October 9, 2009

Guru's Friday funny

A slight departure for Guru's normal Friday funnies, but these are so good Yours Truly just wanted to share them with disciples.

Needless to say, you wouldn't want any of these bozos on your team in the office pub quiz:

Genuine gameshow and radio phone in questions and answers

 UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
 Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and  'cheesemongers'?
 Contestant: Homosexuals.
 Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset  with you.

 BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
 Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
 Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
 Contestant: Leicester?

 PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
 Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
 Contestant: Er. . .
 Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
 Contestant: Blimey?
 Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
 Contestant: (Silence.)
 Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
 Contestant: Walked?

Continue reading "Guru's Friday funny" »

October 12, 2009

Personnel Today Awards competition: Entry update

Here are a selection of the latest entries into the competition to win a pair of tickets to the Personnel Today Awards.

Disciples will remember that all the competition involves is emailing, in no more than 30 words, why you should go.
Victim of Shared Services induced trauma seeks hedonistic, swanky night out in glamorous classy joint to redress balance of incandescent HRD wielding industrial size pickaxe because of delayed Go Live.
I get up everyday and come to work to make all of our 279 staff exceptionally happy and the Prozac in the coffee seems to be working as no-one seems to have noticed that we have not paid them for 6 months so I should be the one who comes to your annual ball.
Because I've nothing else to do that evening!  Incidentally, will I be on the same table as Jackie Orme and will she be buying?
I work for an outsourcing company who sends work offshore so I'm regarded as the lowest of the low - I really need the booze up to forget it all!
I've done a course in smiling, clapping and laughing at other peoples' jokes... I need to get 300 hours of practice in before they will award the qualification.
Please keep those entries coming - there's still time to win tickets!

October 13, 2009

German 'meatball boss' eats humble pie

A cautionary tale from Deutschland where a German boss has been forced to eat humble pie after sacking his PA for scoffing some of his lunch.

So tempted was Magdalene Happ with the lunch of meatballs she had prepared her civil servant boss that she couldn't resist tucking in. However her boss took a dim view of this luncheon larceny and reportedly sacked her on the spot.

"My client feels she did nothing wrong and the response was disproportionate," said Happ's lawyer Wolfgang Pinkepank at the subsequent employment tribunal. Guru is inclined to agree with him, especially after it emerged that Happ had worked for her manager for 34 years. So much for that working relationship; torn asunder by a solitary meatball.

And who is the man responsible for this shameful sacking? Step forward Hermann Schulte-Hiltrop, who has now swallowed his pride and apologised in efforts to settle the dispute out of court. In a classic understatement, our Herman said: "I believe that the punishment in sacking her without notice did not fit the crime and as a result I apologise.

"I should have been more sensitive and I believe now that I was not well advised to react in the way that I did." Let that be a lesson to any disciples who take a fancy to someone else's grub. You never know where it might lead.

October 16, 2009

London Underground tube worker shows great customer service

This video is going viral and shows Tube worker Ian showing great sympathy to an elderly gentlemen that has just been trapped in a train door. Guru thinks he could do with some extra training... For the full story check out Jonathan MacDonald's blog.

Guru's Friday funnies

Here are the link's to Guru's favourite stories of the week from the wacky world of work.
  1. Translation company seeks Glaswegian interpreter
  2. Workers sacked for playing Facebook Happy Farm game
  3. Jobseekers drug tested in the street
  4. Town's entire police force quits after lottery win
  5. Man gets 50 jobs in 50 states in 50 weeks
Happy weekend everyone!

October 19, 2009

How to manage women - 1943 style

Guru has been sent this classic cutting from the July 1943 issue of Transportation magazine. It's essentially a top tips guide on how to manage women in the workplace, written for male line managers.

Needless to say, if Harriet Harman read this she would choke on her Yorkie bar.
womenguide.jpg

Kid-free women should get maternity 'break'

Childless women should be allowed to take maternity leave, allowing them time off from the workplace. But before you all shout at Guru, it's not his idea, but the latest ridiculous employment law proposal to emerge.

But of course it wouldn't be 'maternity' leave, as there are no kids involved.

A study commissioned by Red magazine found the majority of women were in favour of being allowed to take a six-month 'break', or even longer, as mothers are entitled to do when they give birth.

Guru reckons a lot of new mums might object to a six month maternity stint being labelled a 'break'. In Guru's eyes, actually coming back to work is more of a break.

Fiona Jennings, a senior employee with a high-street retailing chain, is 37 and does not have children, was one of the women who took part in the survey.

She says (rather too forcefully, Guru feels): "I made a conscious decision not to have children and that was the right decision for me. My career has always been as important as my home life. (Before staring wistfully at a passing pram).

Anyway, don't these breaks already exist? They're called sabbaticals aren't they? The idea has been called "stupid" by one leading lawyer. Guru is inclined to agree.
 

October 20, 2009

Nomura email causes dress code confusion

Guru was pleased to see the Japanese bank Nomura demonstrating so perfectly the problems of language barrier when it comes staff communication.

A year after snapping up the bits of Lehman Brothers that were actually worth something, Nomura managers emailed employees in a bid to get them to smarten up, according to Management Today.

Bosses reminded workers that "gay colour nail polish" wasn't acceptable; anyone with a query on the firm's trouser policy was reminded to "wear the one gives to the ankle to the height of pants"; skirts were also forbidden to be either extremely short or be "a skirt that deep slit entered".

Just what are the staffers at Nomura coming to work in? And what is gay colour? Guru blue perhaps...?

October 21, 2009

Redundancy news delivered from afar

Bill Keller, executive editor of the New York Times, is a smart man.

Faced with the prospect of telling hacks that he had to make 100 of them redundant by the end of the year, he decided to steer well clear of the newsroom and feign illness.

Here are the opening lines of his letter, sent to staff on Monday.
"Colleagues, I had planned to invite you to the newsroom and break this news in person Monday, but I've been hit by something that seems to be the flu.
Though I strongly believe in delivering bad news in person, I don't want to add insult to injury by spreading infection.
Let me cut to the chase: We have been told to cut 100 newsroom positions between now and the end of the year."
Perhaps Bill was struck down by something akin to swine flu? Maybe the more virulent strain of Massively Convenient Flu.

And Guru is sure that his three colleagues left to deal with the fallout from the letter weren't exactly best pleased. "Feel free to bring additional questions to me when I'm back", he writes. When will that be Bill? Just after you've got over that nasty bout of yellow fever that's kept you off work for two months...

October 20, 2009

Super diabetic detecting dog

Disciple Tim emails to point Guru in the direction of this odd story on the BBC website.

"This is the funniest article I have ever read and is complete nonsense.  The article is regarding my mother and step-father and I can assure you that the dog most certainly doesn't test his blood sugar levels by putting her paws on his stomach!"
Disciples can read the article in question here.

October 23, 2009

Links to Friday workplace funnies

Here are Guru's top 5 funny stories from the world of work.
  1. US paper seeks marijuana critic
  2. Devon island caretaker job attracts 70 applicants
  3. Council workers given advice on how to eat biscuits
  4. Four in 10 workers sit next to irritating colleague
  5. New starter kidnapped by co-worker on first day
Happy weekend to all disciples.

October 26, 2009

Simon Cowell as inspirational as Mother Teresa

What have Simon Cowell, John Terry and Joanna Lumley all got in common?

No, it's not guests at the dinner party from hell, it's the fact they've been named by yoofs as inspirational leaders in a poll by The Prince's Trust.

The survey of more than 1,000 youngsters found most viewed civil rights leader Rev King as the greatest leader, followed by US president Barack Obama and former South African president Nelson Mandela.

Depressingly, high-trousered X-Factor mogul Cowell won the same percentage of votes as Mother Teresa and Henry VIII. Moses came equal fifth with Microsoft founder Bill Gates.

Guru reckons Cowell will be disappointed to have polled less votes than Moses. Although he has sold more records.
 

October 27, 2009

Kidnapped on first day in the job

News from the States where one man has invented an alternative form of new starter induction: kidnapping.

According to reports, a man starting his new job at a firm in Utah received a bizarre welcome on his first day, when he was kidnapped by the manager put in charge of training him.

The alleged kidnapper had suggested they take an afternoon break from their duties, driven to a nearby petrol station to buy drinks, but then kept going rather than head back to work. He refused to stop the car until he pulled over for a toilet break.

Police later stopped the kidnapper after the terrified new recruit raised the alarm. In a classic understatement, police chief Scott Jackson said: "It obviously fits the elements of a kidnapping."

October 28, 2009

Aviva boss Moss and his HR shenanigans

What a tangled web HR weaves - especially if you happen to work at Aviva (that's Norwich Union in old money).

Chief executive Andrew Moss has been uncovered discussing Ugandan affairs with Deirdre Moffat - a former senior member of the firm's HR department seconded to his office. What makes matters even more complicated is that Deirdre is married to Andrew Moffat - Aviva's European HR chief.

The two lovebirds are now apparently shacked up together after both separating from their spouses. How galling must that be for Mr Moffat? Not only does the whole firm know about your dirty laundry, but the chief exec is having it away with your missus after seconding her to a 'special project' in his office.

My word, Aviva's HR department must be in absolute meltdown with this gossip, what with it being right under their noses. Guru wonders how they're getting any work done at all.

Aviva's chairman quickly released a statement saying that all of this didn't break any company rules. Many large firms have a policy forbidding any such dalliances between members of staff where one reports directly to the other.

"Twice married" Deidre - as she was labelled by one tabloid - has now reverted to her maiden name and resigned from Aviva. She is no doubt considering whether to continue her career in HR elsewhere. No word from Mr Moffat as of yet. Guru can only imagine he will be keeping his head down and perhaps looking for alternative employment too.

October 29, 2009

Acas temp policy drips in irony

Brilliant stuff from the HR experts over at Acas (stated aim: "to improve organisations and working life through better employment relations").

Bosses at the conciliation service have admitted to sacking temporary staff after 51 weeks' service - just before they gain full employment rights and qualify for the right to claim unfair dismissal. "Better employment relations" obviously doesn't include relations with temps.

Unions have branded the move unfair and the irony of the policy seems lost on Acas. Guru wonders whether this is the kind of quality advice it has been dispensing to firms that come calling for help.

Civil Service HR hopefuls denied awards glory

Remember these guys? The HR Validation Group Monitoring team at the Department of Health were up for the impressively vague 'Improvement Award' at the Civil Service Equality and Diversity Awards.

Apparently, they are quite good at getting people to tick more boxes on monitoring forms. Alas, they didn't win. At a (no doubt lavish taxpayer-funded) awards ceremony earlier this week, they were pipped to the post by the Glasgow District 'Move On' Team at the Department for Work and Pensions.

Guru demands an official enquiry! Unlucky guys, there's always next year.

October 30, 2009

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Here are the wackiest stories from the world of work this week:
  1. Police officer pulls gun on haunted house worker
  2. Man gets paid by company he never worked for
  3. Paperboy made redundant
  4. Monday 26 October the 'most unproductive day of year'
  5. Lord Nelson back to work half hour after being shot
Happy weekend to all disciples!

About October 2009

This page contains all entries posted to Guru in October 2009. They are listed from oldest to newest.

September 2009 is the previous archive.

November 2009 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.