Guru

In a bah humbug move, the authorities have shut down Santa's Grotto. Not the Santa's Grotto, you understand, but the no doubt somewhat grottier (ho, ho, ho) version lurking in the carpark in the Knocknagoney branch of Tesco. That's in Belfast, my cousin Seamus O'Guru reliably informs me.

Why the lack of yuletide spirit? Guru hears that local residents have complained about loud Christmas music, calling it 'Christmas rap', although that might have been a spelling mistake.

But the elves aren't taking it lying down - no, not those little green-clad terrors. They are sitting down. Organiser Glen Ross and his three elves have staged a sit-in.

Ross said: "It's unbelievable. We built the grotto a week and a half ago, and Santa arrived there last Thursday. We're just trying to make a few quid for charity."

Tesco representatives said that they have offered to move the grotto to the section of the car park furthest from the complaining neighbours. But Ross says that he and the elves have not been approached by the supermarket, and are determined to stay put.

While despairing at the lack of Christmas spirit, Guru is not disheartened. You can visit Santa in his grotto any December you want, but how often do you get to cross an elf picket line. Anyone know the elfish for 'scab'?  

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"Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right."

• A quick half an hour down the pub: £18,000,000 + the price of a pint or two
• Watching the inevitable Christmas Bond movie: £54,000,000 
• A game of 'Just a Minute': £600,000 
• A half hour nap after lunch: £18,000,000 
• Opening presents: £4,500,000 to £18,000,000
  

• Advertising executives destroy £11 of value for every £1 created
• Child care workers generate between £7 and £9.50 for every £1 they are paid.
• Tax accountants destroy £47 for every £1 they create
• Waste recycling workers generate £12 for every £1 spent on their wages.

The CV came to us via an employment agency so had severely slipped through the net on every level. The candidate in question had listed their responsibilities and as I read down saw 'sitting around surfing the net, texting his mates and calling his colleagues gay'.
Turns out when I questioned this, the candidate's current boss had intercepted his CV and altered it and resent it to the agency! Which begs the question if the information was true why on earth wasn't he encouraging him to pursue another career?