Guru

"The illusion of pop culture is virtually coextensive with the engendering of the nation-state."
"The culture of civil society is homologous with the discourse of the public sphere."
"The poetics of the natural functions as the conceptual frame for the engendering of exchange value."

"Going forward as the economy moves towards recovery it is important the organisation leverages levels of engagement while picking off low-hanging fruit to fully implement our transformation."

1. Trainee hypnotist puts himself in a trance
   
2. Mouse nest found on London police officer's desk
   
3. Binman disciplined for taking too much rubbish
4. Women shun jobless young men during recession
5. Most dangerous job in the world? Crocodile wrestling

1. We need the right pin numbers (we need it to work)
2. A lighthouse on a cloudy night (coming up with a good/bright idea)
3. I'm coming into this with an open kimono  (throwing an idea out into the open but being open to criticism)
4. Let's touch base about this offline (lets meet up face-to-face)
5. Finger in the air figure (just an estimate)
6. I think someone needs a bite of the reality sandwich (someone needs to think a bit more practically)
7. Let's run that idea up the flagpole and see if it flies (simply trying out an idea)
8. Let's not try to build a chestnut fence to keep the sand-dunes in (face a problem head on, rather than battling it unsuccessfully)
9. Get all our ducks in a row (get everything in order)
10. Expecting the moon on a stick (when clients have ridiculous expectations)
    

'There are a million reasons to find the "HR Gurus" out there and shove a stone carved  Ulrich model up their arses.  At the top of the list has to be the idea of "Strategic HR Management".  I am sick and tired of hearing the word strategy combined with HR.  I am sick and tired of receiving CVs which start, "....is a strategic HR generalist...." '

One bollock at a time - part 2

1. Jobs of the future include space pilot and body part maker
2. Police officers filmed using riot shield for sledging
   
3. Top cop claims doing his own shopping it too dangerous
4. BBC interviewer gives boss hard time over executive pay
5. Teenagers' limited vocab means they are unemployable

1. First appoint a panel with a specific brief to advise on scientific subjects. This panel consists of experts who give their time for free, for the good of the nation.
2. Next, when the panel gives you some advice you don't like, you sack the chair. 
3. Other members, incensed at your high-handedness, will then quit.
4. You find another bunch of 'experts' to replace them. 
5. But, and here's the clever part, the originals then set themselves up as an 'independent' group in competition, with financial support.
   

1. China launches dating site for 'single and bitter' government workers
2. Asda 'chicken lickin' shelf stacker jailed
   
3. Busty barmaid sues German brewer for using her pic on advertising
   
4. Make your own David Cameron poster - waste a few minutes to relieve the boredom
5. Delivery driver wins tribunal case after being told he 'stank of BO'
   

"Remember that many young terrorists are actually quite lazy, and Al Qaeda's operations are strung out all over the world - it's very hard to motivate them and keep them engaged. Their new HR director, Patricia al-Fayarya, has some great ideas about employee engagement, and one of them appears to be raising the terror level. It appears to have worked."

"This House... condemns the launch of a website... which allows employers to find out if a person has taken an employer to tribunal in the past [and] believes that such a website could be used to screen unfairly applicants who have legitimately taken their employer to tribunal in the past, which runs contrary to the government's progress on dealing with the victimisation of trade union members."

Disciple Patrick insists he spotted the following in South African newspaper The Cape Times: 

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment.

We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'.

Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for [xxxx]."

If it's true, Guru can only say "hats off" to the recruitment industry in South Africa.

1. Advert for 'reliable workers' banned as discrimination by Jobcentre Plus
2. McDonald's 'wrong' to fire worker over cheese slice
3. Prison warder sued after inmate's pet parrot dies
4. Nurse pulled out of operation to be told she was sacked
5. South Korean government turns off lights to encourage staff to make babies

I am writing to say how shocked I was to recently be confronted by my boss in a very angry state. She had logged onto HR Space to see if our entry to your [HR hunks and hotties] competition had been included and was demanding to know why I had only nominated myself.
Being completely confused by this myself, knowing that I had sent a picture of the whole team, I also logged on to see that the remainder of my very 'hot' HR department had in fact been cut off the picture!!!

 

Despite my protestations and even showing them the email I sent, I am yet to convince the rest of my team that I did in fact submit the whole department! I am now eating lunch alone every day, working in a very drafty broom cupboard and dreading my annual performance review....oh and being faced with a constant barrage of "Why?? Are we not hot enough??!!" from all involved.

 

Please, please, please can you publish the picture of the full team in order to prevent me from having to find a new job??!!

Just for you Rachel, here's the (unedited) picture of you and team - Guru thinks you are all gorgeous!