Guru: February 2010 Archives

National Sick Day has arrived

No, not the day where we can all throw-up in public, but the day identified by "experts" as the most likely for employees to pull a sickie.

National Sick Day - the first Monday of February - is thought to be the most likely day in the year for employees to call in sick thanks to Christmas credit card bills, gloomy weather and a long wait to the next Bank Holiday.

So if your office or workplace seems quieter than usual this morning, now you know why. In fact, why are you even here?

Guru looks forward to the creation of National Just Do Your Bloody Job Day.

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Guru spoke thus on February 1, 2010 12:01 AM
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Handshakes given thumbs down by MP

For centuries, the practice of shaking hands has been used to greet a colleague, welcome a new acquaintance or seal a business deal. But now, one veteran MP has called for handshakes to be ditched. Paul Flynn, Labour MP for Newport West, wrote on his blog last month:

"Handshakes are getting less popular. Good riddance. They are unnecessary unhygienic germ-spreading intrusions. Some oafs use them to prove strength of their personalities with bone-crushers. They should be summoned for assault. Their behaviour should demonstrate their strength of character.
"Among the millions of atrocities are many with painful hands, Eye-watering hand squeezes can be excruciatingly painful. Grimacing in pain does not deter them. Even yelps of pain or the sarcasm has no effect. 'Don't worry, my fingers will be back to normal in six time,' I've tried on some insensitive dolts - the point is never understood.
"Who will be first person to be charged with assault by handshake?"

Guru reckons Flynn's tongue is firmly in his cheek by the end of this rant, but he does raise a point worth debating. Bone-crushers are usually the domain of men suffering from Small Man Syndrome, blokes who compensate for being short by applying a vice-like grip to your hand.

And what with swine flu and other nasty bugs and viruses, maybe it is time we consigned handshakes to the dustbin of history.

But what to replace them with? The continental double cheek kiss? An Obama-style fist touch? An Eskimo nose-rub? How about a friendly bottom pat? Guru doesn't know what's for the best. Let's just stick with a good old fashioned British formal handshake. At least that way we should avoid tribunals.

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Guru spoke thus on February 2, 2010 8:39 AM
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Male 'moob jobs' on the rise

Man boobs - or as we all like to call them 'moobs' - are a subject close to Guru's heart. Very close, in fact, bearing in mind Guru has his own impressive pair stuck firmly to his chest.

Yours Truly has blogged in the past about stats showing 'moob jobs' rocketing despite the recession, with men now far more body conscious and willing to do something about it. And the cosmetic surgery industry reports the number just keeps on rising.

A spokesman from the unintentionally funny and no pun intended, I'm sure, British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (Baaps) says men are feeling the pressure from men's magazines to look good.

Guru is sure there will be little sympathy among female disciples, as this is a pressure women have had to deal with for years. But if one of the blokes in the office disappears for a couple of weeks on unexplained leave, there's now a good chance he's getting his moobs dealt with.

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Guru spoke thus on February 3, 2010 8:58 AM
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Public grillings for bosses of failing firms

Guru welcomes the news that the bosses of companies that annoy members of the public will have to face them to explain their failings. A Private Member's Bill has gained government support and will outline rules to force transport firms and utility providers to attend public hangings, err, sorry... meetings.

For example, gas companies who dig up the road causing long delays and then badly repair it afterwards, or bus providers who alter routes or timetables, will now be called to account.

Guru has long been a fan of the similar 'Meet the Manager' sessions held by various train franchises, as it gave him a chance to vent his spleen at some poor suit about the frequent days and cancellation on his daily commute.

Perhaps the firms could use this new legislation as some kind of twisted employee incentive programme? Perform well and meet your targets and you escape being sent into the bear pit. But mess up or underperform, then off to the local town hall with you to face the collective ire of the Great British Public.

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Guru spoke thus on February 4, 2010 8:15 AM
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Get ready for the Monday pain

If you thought that the shock of Monday morning and struggling through the first day back after the weekend was bad enough, the worst is yet to come.

New research from the company behind Guru's favourite painkiller Nurofen found that 6.00pm on Monday is the most painful time of the week.

Nurofen's research monitored pain levels relating to common complaints such as backache, sore feet, headaches and sore fingers and found that we are more likely to be in need of pain relief at specific times of the day:

The morning (6 - 8.30am) finds 30% of Britain waking up to backache
The stress of the day is apparent for 32% of people who develop a tension headache between 3-5pm
Between 4-6pm 20% have stiff and sore fingers after a day of typing
Between 4.30 - 6.30pm 31% of the nation is suffering from sore feet
The daily grind leaves 31% of us with aches and pains between 5-8pm
A day of staring at screens takes its toll at bedtime giving 30% tired and blurry eyes between 9-11pm

The research also identified the common causes of everyday physical discomfort, with workplace gripes adding up to a whole world of pain. Backache from bad posture and hunching over keyboards; sore fingers from typing; tired and blurry eyes from staring at a computer screen for too long; tension headaches from stress and heavy workloads.

Just reading all these stats is giving Guru a headache. Time for a couple of pills and a lie down.

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Guru spoke thus on February 8, 2010 12:01 AM
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Guru's Friday workplace funnies - including John Terry

Here are Guru's weekly links to the top workplace stories.

Have a great weekend, disciples.

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Guru spoke thus on February 5, 2010 12:21 PM
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Dog Days over for cat lovers

Cat owners are more cleverer than dog lovers, a seemingly pointless survey has concluded. Boffins at Bristol University polled 2,524 households found that 47.2% of those with a cat had at least one person educated to degree level, compared with 38.4% of homes with dogs.

However Dr Jane Murray, a lecturer in feline epidemiology (cat diseases, basically), said she didn't know why there was such a variation in education level. "We did look at average household income but that wasn't significant. Our best guess is that it's to do with working hours and perhaps commuting to work, meaning people have a less suitable lifestyle for a dog. It's really just a hunch though."

Guru has a theory; Dogs - especially large threatening ones - are the pet of choice for the majority of chavs, the bulk of which will be jobless and certainly won't have a degree - unless it's a BA in Hollyoaks.

The study also suggested a number of other characteristics were associated with either cat or dog ownership. Dog-lovers were more likely to be male, living in rural areas and under the age of 55. So, farmers or posh people then.

Cat owners were more likely to be female and living in smaller or single-person households. These are the Bridget Jones-type singletons with no-one to come home to after a long day at work but a moody moggy.

If you want to get a pet that fits in with your busy working life, Guru advises getting a goldfish; low maintenance and they won't judge you.

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Guru spoke thus on February 8, 2010 3:27 PM
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Gordon Brown's gone bananas

Guru was shocked to read that Gordon Brown is eating up to nine bananas a day as part of a pre-election health drive.

The Sun claimed the PM was trying to kick his 'three-KitKat-a-day habit' in an effort to get in shape before the general election. The paper quoted a Downing Street source as saying: "Like with everything, Gordon is an obsessive. Bananas are his big thing now - he can't get enough of them."

It goes on: "Staff have been ordered to leave a giant bowl of them in his study. The bowl, seen by The Sun, sits on his window sill, overlooking Number 10's back garden." The existence and location of the bowl is, apparently, vital to the story.

Guru is all for workplace health, but a word of warning though, Gordon: as Guru discovered to his cost, too many bananas can also cause bloating, wind and frequent trips to the toilet. Not a vote winner.

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Guru spoke thus on February 9, 2010 8:34 AM
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Ambulance crew hit with novelty sock ban

Ambulance staff in the north-west have been banned from wearing socks with images of cartoon characters, jokes and patterns after bosses branded them "unprofessional".

North West Ambulance Service's new uniform policy also bans wrist watches, visible body piercing, excessive make-up and 'certain' tattoos. Staff have been warned they could be disciplined or sacked if they flout the dress code.

Continue reading "Ambulance crew hit with novelty sock ban" »

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Guru spoke thus on February 10, 2010 8:36 AM
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The highest job in the world (well, Wales)

Disciples will remember the so-called 'best jobs in the world' advertised last year: tropical island caretaker, theme park reviewer, lap dance club researcher. Now there's a variation on the theme: the highest job. There is a downside, however - it's based in Wales.

The Snowdon Mountain Railway Company is looking for a manager for the multi-million pound visitor centre and cafe on the summit. The hour-long commute to work, sited 3,560ft above sea level, would be on the UK's only rack and pinion railway (geek fact) with the job starting next month.

The new manager will certainly have a job on their hands. Last year visitors to the site complained of long queues, litter and poor hygiene. And things got worse when Daily Telegraph restaurant critic Jasper Gerard said the cafe served cup-a-soup and preheated sausage rolls and baps that left him "sick to the pit" of his stomach.

According to the job advert, the role might also need the manager to sleep over at the visitor centre. Up to three members of staff can sleep at the summit building during the summer and some have been involved in rescues of stranded walkers. Wonder if you get paid extra for that?

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Guru spoke thus on February 11, 2010 3:40 PM
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Hula hooping HR professional Julianne McGregor

HR worker Julianne McGregor is planning to hula hoop on her way to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro to rise money for her best friend with cancer.

The 27-year-old is raising cash for the World Cancer Research Fund to support her friend Megan Houchins, who has thyroid cancer.

"I'm doing this for my close friend Megan, who is currently fighting cancer, and all other cancer sufferers out there," says Julianne. "I enjoy hula hooping anyway but I thought that I would do it on Mount Kilimanjaro because it would put a smile on Megs' face. If not, the pictures of me dirty, sweaty but resolutely hula hooping surely will."

Guru will be cheering you on Julianne - and please email some pics to guru@personneltoday.com so we can feature your achievements in Personnel Today magazine.

You can see her progress on her YouTube page or sponsor her on the WCRF page.

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Guru spoke thus on February 8, 2010 4:00 PM
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Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Guru's links to the top five workplace stories of the week:

Happy weekend to all disciples - enjoy!

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Guru spoke thus on February 12, 2010 9:35 AM
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Sathnam Sanghera goes after HR - again

A mere four months after his previous article stating HR was a waste of space, Times columnist Sathnam Sanghera is at it again. His latest missive in today's paper is headlined: 'The fuss that HR makes about itself far outstrips its contribution to the world'.

Deep breathes everyone, put away those claws, let Sathnam outline his argument... "British HR executives are grossly overpaid, those in the public sector particularly so", he states. It seems Sathnam is basing this sweeping generalisation on a league table of the 20 top-earning public sector HR directors - published by another HR title - half of whom are employed by the BBC.

He then goes on to list who these Beeb execs are. Top of the pile is BBC People director Lucy Adams, who earns £320,000-a-year, according to Auntie's figures. That's not on, says Sathnam, and she should fire most of her team and then herself, because she contributes nothing.

So maybe he should really write: "The BBC's HR executives are grossly overpaid".

Continue reading "Sathnam Sanghera goes after HR - again" »

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Guru spoke thus on February 15, 2010 10:20 AM
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Slacking becomes a mental illness

Is your desk covered in clutter? Do your colleagues often complain about the state of your workspace and wonder how you get anything done. If you find it hard to throw out things of limited or no value, you could be suffering from hoarding disorder.

'Hoarding' is just one of the new mental conditions being added to the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM) - known as the psychiatrists' bible. The DSM is a large book that lists all psychiatric disorders and describes their symptoms. If a condition is in there, it means it's considered a mental illness.

Other new conditions identified include 'cognitive tempo disorder', whose symptoms include dreaminess and sluggishness. So the next time someone at work accuses you of slacking, just tell them you are suffering from cognitive tempo disorder.

There's also 'intermittent explosive disorder', which involves occasionally becoming very angry suddenly. Guru suffers from this when reading the Daily Mail.

And people who whinge constantly may be suffering 'negativistic personality disorder'. So that's what's wrong with Sathnam Sanghera.

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Guru spoke thus on February 16, 2010 1:56 PM
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Unemployed US man chills out in massive igloo

Guru has sympathy for those who have been made redundant during the recession. Too often losing your job can lead to depression and despair - so it's particularly important to keep busy and have a project.

That's exactly what unemployed US labourer Jimmy Grey did. With the heavy snowfall that America has experienced recently, Grey got to work on building an extremely impressive igloo in his family's yard in Cleveland.

The four-room man-cave has six-foot ceilings and an entertainment room rigged up with cable TV and surround-sound stereo, enabling him and his mates to watch sport in his icy mansion. Grey told the local newspaper that candles help to add ambiance for night time get-togethers with friends, and the freezing temperatures mean that the beer is always chilled.

With that kind of ingenuity and skill, Guru is sure Jimmy will find another job soon.

Guru spoke thus on February 17, 2010 9:11 AM
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Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Here are Guru's links to the top five workplace stories of the week:

Have a great weekend everyone.

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Guru spoke thus on February 19, 2010 9:29 AM
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Magic circle law firm perform The Magic Flute

Can you imagine anything more cringe-inducing that a bunch of lawyers singing opera?

But that didn't stop magic circle law firm Allen & Overy staging a production of Mozart's The Magic Flute at Glyndebourne Opera House earlier this month.

The cast and orchestra was composed of mainly Allen & Overy employees and alumni, and the performance was part of the law firm's music scheme that encourages staff to develop their personal interests within the workplace.

In previous years, the firm has also put on productions of The Pirates of Penzance, HMS Pinafore and The Mikado.

The firm also says it has purpose built music rooms available for individual and group lessons and practice. Guru hopes to God they are sound proof.

Here's a picture of no doubt 'willing' employees taking part in the production.

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Guru spoke thus on February 22, 2010 9:38 AM
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National Bullying Helpline founder makes prat of herself

Oh dear, it really has gone pear-shaped for the National Bullying Helpline and its founder Christine Pratt. After going on national TV to claim that Downing Street staff had contacted the helpline, Pratt has now found herself in the middle of what Guru colloquially calls a "sh*t storm".

One of the charities patrons, rent-a-quote psychologist Cary Cooper, has quit because of Pratt's breach of confidentiality. Another patron - Tory battleaxe Ann Widdecombe also criticised the decision to go public.

Some have now questioned her motives: the National Bullying Helpline website shows a supportive statement from David Cameron, as well as listing the fearsome Widdecombe as a patron. And her offices are next door to the branch of the Swindon Tories. Guru is sure this is all a coincidence.

Continue reading "National Bullying Helpline founder makes prat of herself" »

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Guru spoke thus on February 22, 2010 2:18 PM
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Sleep study boosts benefits of workplace siesta

Further evidence emerges that having a nap during the day improves your brainpower.
US boffins studied volunteers who slept for 90 minutes during the day and found they did better at cognitive tests than those who were kept awake.

Up until now, numerous pieces of research and experiments have suggested that having a quick siesta during the day can be beneficial. But an hour-and-a-half seems a bit excessive; that's not really a nap, is it? Guru can't imagine many HR departments sanctioning a post lunch 90 minute snooze for their workforce.

The latest study suggests that the brain may need sleep to process short-term memories, creating 'space' for new facts to be learned - basically clearing out the brain's inbox. And until that inbox is cleared out, you can't receive any more 'mail' and it will get bounced back.

Separate research last year also found that sleeping on a problem really can help solve it. Right, that's it - Guru is off to bedfordshire straight away and won't come back until all his problems have disappeared. That's a hell of a long nap...

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Guru spoke thus on February 23, 2010 2:27 PM
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Diabetic porn surfer gets his job back

A curious story that went somewhat under-reported this week.

A community worker sacked for looking at porn in front of children has won his job back and a £23,000 payout after blaming his actions on diabetes.

Alistair Dickson said he was not aware he had logged on to the porn site as he had a hypoglycemic episode when the children were being shown around Edinburgh's Craigmount High School in June 2007.

Employment appeal judges said a tribunal had been wrong to dismiss his medical evidence and ordered the city council to reinstate the 54-year-old.

Hypoglycemia makes sufferers confused and disorientated, so much so you can, apparently, inadvertently find yourself on an X-rated website. That's going to be Guru's excuse when Mrs Guru next checks the 'history' folder on his browser.

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Guru spoke thus on February 24, 2010 9:35 AM
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Union poster draws fire from US marine group

Following this week's strike vote at BA, the British Airlines Stewards and Stewardesses Association (Bassa) has upset a few people over its campaign poster mirroring the iconic image of US soldiers raising a flag after the 1945 Battle of Iwo Jima.

The Marine Corps War Memorial Foundation, said the use of the image was "extremely offensive, inappropriate and repugnant".

Nearly 7,000 US servicemen were killed and 26,000 wounded in the fighting and a statue based on the picture became a focal point at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia. So perhaps it is a tad inappropriate for the lefties at Bassa to use their photoshop skills for their own campaigning purposes.

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Guru spoke thus on February 24, 2010 9:44 AM
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Attention! Everyone Work Your Proper Hours!

Today is Work Your Proper Hours Day - a TUC publicity stunt which claims to be the day when the average person who does unpaid overtime finishes the unpaid days they do every year, and starts earning for themselves.

In the spirit of the day, Guru will be having his morning tea break, full hour for lunch, mid-afternoon tea break and be leaving the office promptly at 5.00pm. He encourages disciples to do the same, especially as it's a Friday.

Helpfully, the TUC has produced a Tetris-style computer game to help workers waste a few minutes while they are waiting to leave the office on time.

Here's to an end to the long-hours culture and many more 35-hour working weeks!

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Guru spoke thus on February 26, 2010 12:02 AM
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Guru's Friday workplace funnies

Every Friday, Guru posts links to five workplace funnies

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

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Guru spoke thus on February 26, 2010 11:40 AM
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Guru

Guru, the notorious commentator from Personnel Today's back page, shares his wisdom on the world of work. Focusing on the latest news in human resources and people management, he takes an irreverent look at issues that affect us all.

February 2010 Archives

February 1, 2010

National Sick Day has arrived

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February 2, 2010

Handshakes given thumbs down by MP

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February 3, 2010

Male 'moob jobs' on the rise

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February 4, 2010

Public grillings for bosses of failing firms

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February 8, 2010

Get ready for the Monday pain

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February 5, 2010

Guru's Friday workplace funnies - including John Terry

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February 8, 2010

Dog Days over for cat lovers

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February 9, 2010

Gordon Brown's gone bananas

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February 10, 2010

Ambulance crew hit with novelty sock ban

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February 11, 2010

The highest job in the world (well, Wales)

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February 8, 2010

Hula hooping HR professional Julianne McGregor

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February 12, 2010

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

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February 15, 2010

Sathnam Sanghera goes after HR - again

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February 16, 2010

Slacking becomes a mental illness

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February 17, 2010

Unemployed US man chills out in massive igloo

February 19, 2010

Guru's Friday workplace funnies

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February 22, 2010

Magic circle law firm perform The Magic Flute

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National Bullying Helpline founder makes prat of herself

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February 23, 2010

Sleep study boosts benefits of workplace siesta

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February 24, 2010

Diabetic porn surfer gets his job back

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Union poster draws fire from US marine group

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February 26, 2010

Attention! Everyone Work Your Proper Hours!

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Guru's Friday workplace funnies

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About February 2010