Guru

1. Nana Mouskouri offers Euro MP pension to debt-laden Greece
   
2. Third of workers would consider 'entering competitions' as full-time profession
   
3. Jobseekers compete in 'binman olympics' for roadsweeper roles
   
4. Polish plumber becomes faith healer after finding 'mystical' stone
   
5. US air traffic controller allows his son to direct planes
   

An interesting new spin on the war for talent from our friends in South Korea, where
hundreds of jobseekers have taken part in a "Binman Olympics" to compete for just 14 jobs as road sweepers.

Nearly 500 entrants competed for what are considered plum civil service jobs in the area of Gumi, with tasks including demonstrating how quickly they could dispose of dog poo using tongs and plastic bags - while being cheered on by family members and friends (nice touch that).

Guru's favourite part of the story was the quote from a wife of one of the contestants, Kim Hye-ran

"If my husband gets the job our problems are over," she said. "I'll open a chicken restaurant next to our house. Street cleaners knock off at four o'clock, so in the evening, he can deliver fried chicken."

Let's hope he washes his hands first.

It seems that vegans are to be given the same protection against discrimination as religious groups under the new Equality Bill.

Official guidance issued by the Equalities and Human Rights Commission points out that the "ethical commitment" of vegans to animal welfare is "central to who they are".

"A person who is a vegan chooses not to use or consume animal products of any kind," the guidance says. "That person eschews the exploitation of animals for food, clothing, accessories or any other purpose and does so out of an ethical commitment to animal welfare."

As a person who is a carnivore and chooses to use and consume animal products of any kind, Guru is also demanding protection from discrimination.

The next time a vegan is condescending about Guru's leather brogues or regular trips to Gaucho Grill (yes, that is a blatant plug - discounts please) Harriet Harman will be getting a call.

If that doesn't work, Guru will send Gordon Ramsay - "My biggest nightmare would be if the kids ever came up to me and said 'Dad, I'm a vegetarian'. Then I would sit them on the fence and electrocute them." - round to Harriet's.

Whilst we're on the subject of equality, unreconstructed male of the week award goes to 'John from Leicester', commenting on a Daily Mail story about the lack of women in senior positions in the UK.

"Maybe not senior position, what about missionary?"

Police forces invest heavily in training officers to help clamp down on drug use in society, but sometimes good old fashioned luck does the job for them.

Two officers in Nuremberg couldn't believe their eyes when they saw a clubber lining up powdered amphetamines on the roof of an unmarked police car in a nightclub car park.

The man had no idea the vehicle belonged to the police, and it was coincidence that the officers - who were walking by their parked car - discovered him just as he was about to take the drugs. The clubber was arrested by the police after they returned to the car and caught him preparing to snort the speed.

"He's got horrible luck," said Bert Rauenbusch, police spokesman in Nuremberg, getting to the point in an efficient manner.

Guru is frankly tired of the seemingly weekly studies that prove that red wine/coffee/white wine/beer (delete as appropriate) is bad/good (delete as appropriate) for you, but latest research on booze from Korea was actually more eye catching than usual.

Boffins at Chungnam National University have discovered that infusing alcohol with oxygen allows drinkers to sober up more quickly.

Writing in the journal Alcohol: Clinical & Experimental Research, Professor Kwang-il Kwon, said: "The oxygen-enriched alcohol beverage reduces plasma alcohol concentrations faster than a normal dissolved-oxygen alcohol beverage does.

"This could provide both clinical and real-life significance. The oxygen-enriched alcohol beverage would allow individuals to become sober faster, and reduce the side effects without a significant difference in alcohol's effects."

But before Guru could proclaim "I'll drink to that", those killjoys at the Alcohol Health Alliance piped up, warning that "people might find they don't get as drunk and just take another drink".

And?

Being a regular on the gambling scene, Guru was interested to hear about two daring criminals who managed to steal thousands of pounds from casinos in London.

How was it achieved? An Ocean's Eleven style underground raid? Some clever card counting? Maybe a straight put up job?

Well, none of the above as it happens. In turns out that the dastardly pair were actually IT contractors who used knowledge they gained through working on tech systems at gambling firms to pilfer the cash.

Andrew Ashley, 30, and Nimesh Bhagat, 31, stole more than £33,000 within three months by infiltrating software which controlled remote betting machines at roulette wheels in four casinos, owned by Gala.

The scam was exposed when a cashier noticed a £600 win had been claimed from having placed only £10 into the machine - an impossible win when odds at roulette are 35/1.

The pair received 12-month suspended sentences in what police said was the first case of computer mishandling in the UK gaming sector.

Both IT contractors pleaded guilty to theft under the Theft Act 1968; were handed 200 hours of community service and were ordered to pay back around £16,000 each (sounds like a tidy £1,000 profit to Guru - kerching!).

So, the next time you see the guys from the IT help desk, don't ignore them and laugh at their clothes. They may be your guide to future riches (legal note: or prison).

Guru is loath to criticise a great British institution such as the National Trust, but some things are beyond the pale (or, indeed, pail).

In response to research that showed 74% of UK city based workers feel stressed on a daily basis, the National Trust has been handing out fresh air that has been bottled "at some of the country's favourite outdoor venues".

The Trust offered 100 bottles of fresh air in recycled glass jars to stressed-out employees after a study revealed that 70% felt more relaxed once they have escaped the confines of the city.

What a load of hot air! Mrs Guru regularly fills the recycling bag with many empty bottles on a weekly basis. Anyone who is feeling "stressed" is welcome to have a sniff whenever they like.

While employers are falling over themselves to prove how flexible they are these days, Guru has always taken the view that working from home is, indeed, a licence to shirk from home.

It seems the ultimate job for home shirkers has now been created. A company wants to recruit a couch potato to eat 400 extra calories every day to test the fat-binding properties of a weight loss product - and pay them almost £24k a year.

The job advert, which has already gone up in UK Jobcentres, reads: "We know it's incredible, but it's true.

"We are willing to pay you £23,750 a year to continue doing exactly what you do every single day, and all we ask in return is that you eat 16% more calories a week - or 400 more calories a day - whilst introducing Proactol into your diet.

"The ideal candidate should not already be on a diet but eat a healthy balance of carbohydrates, fats and proteins and be prepared to increase their existing calorie intake by eating fatty foods such as Chinese takeaways, fish and chips, pizza or McDonald's."

Lazy obese types will no doubt be waddling towards their nearest Jobcentre in their droves.

Guru was saddened to hear the news that Hull City Football Club had sacked manager Phil Brown.

This, you understand, is not because Guru is a fan of Hull - a city that is north of Watford you see - but because Brown showed the world that metrosexuality is actually a very bad thing.

From his ridiculous David Dickinson style deep tan to his penchant for wearing pink jumpers over the shoulder, Brown was a walking example of everything that is wrong with metrosexuality.

Brown was also a fan of wearing an earpiece and microphone during a game, something that only Madonna (and call centre staff) should be allowed to do in the workplace.

So, farewell Phil - and remember, tanning salons should only be used in moderation.

Once again, Guru gives you five links to the top workplace stories of the week.

Jobcentre's sorry for the spurn of the Jedi

No job unless you're Polish: Biggest Asda meat supplier excludes English speakers as 'all instructions are in Polish'

Racism storm over £38,000 'Indians-only' job advert

'Bullied' City lawyer seeking £19m settles for secret payout

British Airways strikers face terminal five ban

Have a great weekend disciples!

Anyone who has experienced a period of unemployment will know that you are obliged by the Jobcentre to prove that you have been trying to find work when you go to sign on (not that Guru has ever been in this situation of course, merely taking the odd sabbatical).

You could be forgiven for believing, therefore, that leveraging your present position to seek employment in the future when you know that you are going to be out of a job soon would also be a winner.

Doesn't seem to have worked for Stephen Byers, Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt though eh?

The revelation that the Home Office has been using American comedian Ruby Wax as an adviser to its staff caught Guru's eye. 

Wax has apparently become a regular visitor to the department's Whitehall headquarters, where she provides senior civil servants with lessons in leadership and communication.

Guru got to thinking about how other comedians could aid the performance of Whitehall departments.

Perhaps Wax's chum Dawn French could lead the Department of Health's drive to reduce obesity?

Maybe Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle - the arch royalist and Rebecca Adlington's number one fan - could help the Department for Children, Schools and Families to cut down playground bullying?

Of course, many disciples will no doubt be thinking that there are enough comedians in Parliament as it is. And you would be right.

Guru was delighted to see that those pesky Jedis have hit the headlines again.

A few months after Daniel Jones, the founder of the International Church of Jediism, accused Tesco of religious discrimination, one of his disciples, Chris Jarvis, raised the same issue after he was thrown out of his local Jobcentre in Southend for refusing to lower his hood.

One aspect of the story that has gone unreported is what Jarvis was doing in the Jobcentre in the first place. What does the average Jedi look for in a job role? Construction industry consultant (speciality: The Death Star)? Genealogist (speciality: unusual father/son relationships)?

Indeed, Guru suggests that by going to the Jobcentre in the first place, Jarvis was betraying weakness. Who needs help from government advisors when you can simply "use the force"?

The latest ridiculous tribunal ruling from across the Pond really does stink to high heaven.

Susan McBride, a city planner in Detroit, has successfully sued the local authority under the Americans with Disabilities Act after suffering from breathing difficulties caused by a co-worker's perfume.

Despite several reservations, the court concluded that McBride had enough of a breathing disability case for the action to proceed to a trial. How the workplace perfume police would do their job was not specified by the court. In the end, McBride won a $100,000 settlement.

Public office workers in Detroit have now been warned not to wear "scented products including ...colognes, after shave lotions, perfumes, deodorants, [and] body/face lotions". They will also be prevented from using scented candles or solid air fresheners.

Sorry - not allowed to wear deodorant? Having had the misfortune to have worked near employees with odour issues, Guru sends heartfelt sympathies to those public sector workers in Detroit (along with all the poor buggers who have to use public services).

Guru is not usually one to praise any public sector initiative, but full marks to the Local Government Association (LGA) for publishing an annual list of words that shouldn't be used by government bodies.

The list of 250 words includes new words such as: trialogue, wellderly, goldfish bowl facilitated conversation, tonality, webinar, under-capacitated, clienting and disbenefits.

The previous list of non-words included: taxonomy, rebaselining, mainstreaming, holistic governance, contestability, predictors of beaconicity and synergies.

One of the words on the list is a personal bugbear of Guru's: "stakeholder". But a cursory glance at a few public sector websites shows that it is still used by all and sundry. Even esteemed colleagues on Personnel Today have been known to use the word, such is its preponderance. Ban it now!