Guru

1. Your office computers will crash. That's according to Deloitte, which reckons staff watching games online instead of on TVs will overload the IT system, causing them to creak or crash.
   Guru's advice: Ban the internet - it's already too much of a distraction.
   
   
2. You will be sued by non-England fans. If you offer flexible working to staff for England matches, but not the other games, then supporters from other nations could claim race discrimination. Law firm DLA Piper ups the ante when it comes to scare-mongering.
   Guru's advice: Give every member of staff their own portable television.
   
   
3. A blanket ban on coverage will lead to riots. That's the message from the TUC, sort of. The union brothers say firms that refuse to let staff watch games risk falling motivation and morale.
   Guru's advice: Why not give your workforce a month off to watch the tournament?
   
   
4. Your staff will either be drunk or hungover. The average person goes to work suffering from the effects of too much booze three times a month, according to Drinkaware. That is likely to increase exponentially in the coming weeks.
   Guru's advice: Start breathalysing people at reception
   
   
5. Football shirts will upset some prudes. Most employers have bans on sportswear which will be relaxed during the World Cup. This will irritate prudish, football-loathing employees.
   Guru's advice: Ignore them. Let's make every day a mufti day.
   

"When you just can't do any more work and want some light relief, why not make up a story? Anna Sasin was running after Hazel Nutt with Ray Gun when she tripped over Tim Burr. Ray sped on but fell into Doug Hole. Stan Still was stunned! Hazel was running as fast as she could, but she hit Barb Dwyer - Barb grabbed her but she managed to escape and was eventually saved by Barry Cade who was waiting for her nearby.
"Barry was in love with Hazel and managed to romance her after a long struggle with Will Power who lost the fight. They went to Helen Back together and after a big argument Helen gave them her blessing after Lee King persuaded her it was for the best to let Barry go. Paige Turner said it was a situation Terry Bull would be very familiar with.
"PS: Unfortunately, there was no place for Randy Tadger in my story!"

1. Training session mix-up leads to 'free beer' email
   
2. Bank worker sacked for looking 'too good'
   
3. 85-year-old McDonald's worker relishes work
   
4. UK workers' sleep debt revealed
   
5. Dentist asked employee to join swingers' parties
   

1. Couple sacked from the same employer win compensation
   
2. Britain's Got Talent contestant launches claim against Simon Cowell
3. Man who barked at colleague loses unfair dismissal claim
4. Women banned from mock mission to Mars
   
5. Unemployed women given £1,000 makeovers to help them find a solvent husband
   
   

Guru always thought it was just chip-on-the-shoulder HR types who had a bee in their bonnet about their professional reputation - but apparently not.

More than 100 clowns recently marched down the main streets of San Salvador chanting 'real clowns are not criminals'. Not a statement anyone who's paid a tenner to see some sad old sod in white facepaint make a balloon animal will appreciate, but that's beside the point.

The clowns were protesting against a dreadful slur, namely that they had been murdering bus passengers. Now while the clowns of El Salvador do regard passengers as captive audiences, they have to date drawn the line at shooting them. Not so the cunning criminals who donned clown costumes - complete with red shiny noses and oversized shoes, presumably - to hold up and kill an innocent traveller.

So the real clowns decided to take their indignation to the streets in a bid to demonstrate their innocence. While cynical old Guru remains unconvinced of the effectiveness of such a protest, he looks forward to seeing hoards of bitter HR practitioners march on Downing Street brandishing employee handbooks.  

While it's often said that Britain is broken, going to hell in a handcart, etc, Guru - the eternal optimist - will always insist it isn't so. And here's the latest evidence.

Thirty-five year old unemployed labourer Lee Dixon left his fingerprints at the sites of more than 100 break-ins across rural England. So far, so broken Britain.

But according to the courts Dixon is a 'gentleman, Raffles-style' burglar, keeping damage to a minimum, and even washing the dishes at some of the homes he burgled.

That's just the kind of good old-fashioned manners Guru likes to see. Broken Britain? Whatever next?

For short French president Nicolas Sarkozy - he of the stacked heels and bouffant hair - height is evidently more of a sore point than hitherto thought.

Already accused of refusing to stand next to tall people (in other words anyone over his 5ft 5ins) on TV, Sarkozy's latest move involved sending staff ahead to a factory he is due to visit to 'whittle out the tall ones'.

Sarkozy is scheduled to visit the Turbomeca aeronautics factory near Toulouse on June 22. Preparations have been underway for some time, and Guru was amused to hear that tall staff are not to be allowed to stand near him. A Turbomeca engineer told local paper La Republique des Pyrenees: "I am almost six feet tall and I was told I was not to be allowed near the official reception group".

According to the paper "It seems people at the factory decided it was better to yield to the president's wishes than face exile to the land of the pygmies".

Let it be noted - Guru, often accused of being less than charitable about his frog-eating cousins - loves French newspapers ... 

Let it never be said the education sector is ignoring the constant bleating of employers tired of the lack of skills among would-be employees. South Thames College, possibly London's most forward-thinking educator, has introduced courses in how to walk in stilettos. An extra curricular course, 'Sexy Heels in the City', was taken by five students aged between 16 and 50-plus, all no doubt looking to further their careers - in which fields we are yet to hear.

A college spokesperson said the course improved students' confidence. It certainly got the thumbs up from student Celina Mystery (no, Guru did not make that up), who said: "I no longer feel pain on a night out because I know what exercises to do beforehand. Now I can finally rock my heels."

Needless to say, the Taxpayers' Alliance is up in arms over the cost of the course (£750 paid to singer China Whyne - Guru did not make up her name, either). But employers shouldn't despair - as disciple Sue pointed out, they should be grateful. She reckons the number of sick days caused by high heel-related accidents should plummet - no pun intended.

PSNI - the Police Service of Northern Ireland - takes accusations of discrimination more seriously than most. For obvious reasons. But rather than the usual tired old religion line, the latest accusations have centred on hairlessness. A pleasant change unless you're the baldy involved.

A recent applicant was progressing quite happily through the recruitment process until asked to submit his hair for drugs testing. Unable to provide hairs of up to 3cm in length - or even the alternative 200 body hairs - his application was suddenly and unceremoniously rejected.

He may be bald, but there are no flies on this man. He launched judicial review proceedings, claimed the PSNI's decision to reject him was 'irrational and discriminatory'. Not to mention (which he didn't) 'baldy'.

The case opened in the High Court yesterday, with PSNI lawyers already admitting the claimant would be reinstated in the application process. The force will also amend its application process to facilitate analysis of DNA from other sources.

Good on him, says Guru, who is - in case you hadn't noticed - similarly follically challenged. All power to the baldies ...

There are jobs that are obviously dangerous - fireman, police officer, underperforming England footballer. And then there are those less dangerous. Guru was bemused to read, in Irish paper The Connacht Sentinel, of composting plant workers forced away from their pungent workplace by threatened physical violence.

Why were they threatened? Did neighbours take offence at the stench issuing from the plant? No. Did fellow public transport users take exception to the whiff of the staff? No. Did climate change sceptics object to the very notion of composting? No.

Bizarrely (possibly less so to Guru's Irish disciples), the threats were prompted by the Council's decision to remove horses from the old landfill site next to the composting plant. The owners of the illegally grazing horses weren't happy and made their feelings clear to the compost workers.  No doubt fearful for their lives, they took a week off work to cower at home - presumably in front of TVs showing the World Cup - before tiptoeing back to the plant yesterday.

No mention of the impounded horses, although disciples holidaying in Galway any time soon might be wise to go for the vegetarian option when dining out.