Pointless research and 3D!!!! revelations

News from the Ministry of Pointless Research suggests that fit workers are healthier and less stressed on account of having lower blood pressure.

Yours Truly knows all about this, having cast aside all bad habits to live a fuller more enlightened Guru-like existence many moons ago, but it’s hardly a breakthrough.

Of course, being fitter makes people more alert, and with more endorphins swimming around in their bodies, workers are inevitably happier and therefore more effective than their lazy, unfit, hard-smokin’ n drinkin’ counterparts who only turn up for the free biscuits and a lunch break.

Nothing new there then. 
Astonishingly, your blue-faced sage of workplace wisdom has also noted that this perfectly astounding waste of £300,000 has been bolstered by the startling news that a 3D!!!! fat monitor has been developed by boffins.

Rather than getting the tubbos to step onto a standard weighing machine – which, for some logistically challenged Mr Creosotes could well be a ‘waffertheenmeent’ too far – the machine scans them in 3D!!!!! and is able to detect if a person is a bit chunky.

Call Yours Truly old-fashioned, but couldn’t the fully functioning 3D!!!!! eyes – available in most good heads near you – be used to detect the more spherical beings amongst us? Alternatively, a quick rummage around a fatty’s purse or pockets will always reward the intrepid researcher with a handful of food receipts – if not the empty packets of SuperHighFatBurger Bars.

Guru is willing to donate his services to identifying the slightly obese for a lot less than the fat wads required for a 3D!!!!! FatOmeter.

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