February 19, 2011
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. So managers should have a special soft spot for any staff who have to get a train on a regular basis.First there were the wrong type of leaves, then the wrong type of rain, then the wrong type of snow, but businesses in the south east were in a state of disbelief yesterday when workers called in to say they were delayed on the 8.15 train from Hastings to London by a seagull.
Apparently, the winged goddess of harassment bore down on the train driver as he walked to the front of the train and pecked him about the head until he could stand it no more and shouted out "No more! No more!"
The packed commuter train remained in a state of anticipation, wondering what on earth was going to happen next - would the driver simply ignore his injuries and get in his cab and continue to London, or would he make the most of the situation and dally for another five minutes?
The air was alive with intrigue - not to mention seagulls - and the tension could be cut with an appropriately sharpened or heated butter knife as several hundred more 'winged sewer rats' arrived and, having purchased platform tickets began harassing as many passengers as they could, in search of the thousands of packed lunches making the journey to the capital.
All hope seemed lost. The signal had turned to red. The train was in danger of being cancelled and businesses in London would have to cope without a significant number of workers - a least until the next train arrived, anyway.
But just then, a caped hero arrived on the scene.
Clad head to toe in navy blue and brandishing a clipboard, shiney new biro and a stack of advice leaflets, Healthandsafetyman leapt into action, swooshing away the leader of the gang to mighty cheers from the commuting masses. The other birds followed swiftly and disappeared into the hazy skies of St Leonards.
Guru admits he may have embellished the tale a little there, but can certainly see the potential for a low-budget Mike Leigh-directed modern adaptation of The Birds. Or perhaps someone should write a play about a group of people trapped in a seemingly eternal cycle of misery, watching their lives drift away as they fail to fulfill their true potential on account of being late all the time, called... um... The Seagull. Or has someone done that already?
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