Guru

The survey that reveals that UK managers are poor at dealing with underperformance should really come as no shock to anyone working anywhere at all.

Apparently managers 'lack confidence' about dealing with poor performers, and, surprise surprise, the main issue is dealing with staff who 'throw sickies' - to use a common, and frankly quite base description of workplace absence.

Guru suggests some of this confusion must be down to the fact that people don't go off sick at all any more, but are 'not fit for purpose' on account of their being given a 'fit note' by their doctor.

And yet there is a nagging suspicion that the very people who find it hardest to deal with the issue are the problem themselves. If they, the managers, were taken out of the equation and piled on a heap, then would anything really grind to a halt - despite the swathes of so-called workers being unavailable for toil? The answer, is obviously no. Directors around the country ought to take note.

And talking of notes, sick ones and fit ones, it seems we're not all 'singing from the same hymn sheet' when it comes to managing absence across the country.

After all, phoning in to say "sorry, I can't come in to work today I'm not fit enough" might pose a few problems oop north - as in Leeds, Manchester and Liverpool - where Yours Truly understands the term 'fit' applies to looks alone.

Based on his own experience of visiting these secondary cities, he can confirm that while former Spice Girl Mel B (pictured)may never have taken a day off, more than half the population would have to make the 'unfit' declaration every day - although, unpleasant as turning up may make the view for everyone else, he's not sure being ugly is a reason to take a day off.

On the same day that Colin Firth trousered the Oscar for his stammerfest of a role in the King's Speech, David 'just call me Davos' Cameron at last showed his true leadership potential by threatening the Loon of Libya with a 'no-fly zone'.

As management strategies go this is an interesting development as, contrary to the line being taken by most media outlets, DC is not talking about high-speed jet aeroplanes patrolling the skies above a barren desert land filled with oil.

Being a close confidante of those 'in the know', Yours Truly can exclusively reveal that David 'Lord Snooty' Cameron is harking back to his days at Eton and in the Bullingdon Club and is merely advocating the use of button-up trousers - or breeches to fans of Mr Darcy as a dispute resolution technique.

The PM clearly thinks that wearing the correct attire will persuade the Libyan leader to hang loose, drop his opposition and acquiesce to British demands that he should go - presumably in the belief that the British Empire is once again important and that substantial trousers are a sign of world domination.

Colonel Gaddafi will no doubt try to skirt around the issue, but unless he's going commando, the SAS, inspired by DC's sartorial directive, will no doubt sooner or later grab him by the um... 'roustons' and bring the conflict to an end.

Guru advocates the use of trouser-based conciliation as an alternative to the usual Acas procedures and recommends that unions adopt a buttoned-down approach ASAP. Then we'd really find out who was really wearing the trousers (needless to say at Chez Guru it's obviously Mrs Guru).

Meanwhile, Tony Blurr's old chum George 'dubya' Bush has expressed concern over the move, as he doesn't see why 'Libya' should be protected in this way - and in any case he thought men had a tinky winky.

Exciting news from the CIPD that conflict management is at the 'top of the agenda' is disturbing stuff.

Apart from confirming Guru's view that most managers don't know their elbow from their armpits, the fact that they spend an average of 14 days trying to resolve problems by going down a 'formal route' suggests their HR departments are not doing their job properly.

Intriguingly, the CIPD suggests that avoiding the 'tuxedo trail' is the way forward and that a twin approach that includes mediation can speed up the process.

Yours Truly couldn't agree more and advocates the use of the Brsletsova twins from down town Bucharest in any workplace disputes. The former star employees of the Ceaucescu family may be getting on in years now, but, like the UK's cartoon gangsters the Kray Twins, their hands-on techniques in employee relations disputes take a lot of beating... or is that involve a lot of beating?

Should their time-honoured techniques not be to your liking, Guru recommends the small brown envelope scenario beloved of banking institutions around the globe, ie, simply pay them to go away - so much more time-efficient than actually dealing with a problem.

International Women's Day and Yours Truly has been stuck at home doing the washing up and the ironing and polishing every wood surface known to man (or woman).

His strict regime has been imposed by Mrs Guru following comments from his Disciples that could not be published on a family blogsite (as the super soaraway Stun might put it), which veered towards the downright rude and inconsiderate.

Admittedly, the barbed comments related to Guru's comments about women and their true value to society being measured not in cold hard cash but in freshly ironed sheets.

Yours Truly is only tied to the stove, as it were, to prove a point - that men can do it too - and as International Women's Day draws to a close it comes a no surprise to learn that women on the whole are doing very badly in terms of pay and opportunities.

Guru suggests women of the world unite and stage a mass walkout, forcing City types to go to work with unpolished shoes, unironed shirts and unmade breakfast. That would soon sort the men from the boys.

Not content with taking on the world's tyrants, boldly going where no-one else will dare and generally doing a lot of shooting away from these shores, the British Military has decided expand the fight... to its own inner demons.
 
But the news that the government has funded a 24-hour helpline for military personnel suffering from 'mental issues', strikes Guru as a questionable use of resources when cuts are decimating our world-renowned fighting machine.

After all, surely one of the main criteria for wanting to be a soldier is a certain je ne sais quoi on the mentality front. And Blighty plc certainly wouldn't expect right-thinking individuals to be willing to steam in a put their lives on the line - that, surely, is a role reserved for the slightly bewildered (to put it politely).

The ITV-watching classes are clearly destined for such roles. And the fundamental recruitment stance of "Are you willing to march for three days' solid without much food or water, certainly no sleep and no prospect of coming out of the situation in a healthier state than when you went in?" seems to put off hardly any potential squaddies.

So to splash the cash on a telephone helpline that conceivably could be overloaded as all 240,000 military personnel get on the blower to weep, gnash their teeth and generally sound off seems a tad strange.

They'll be expecting to have rights next. Then a decent day's pay, danger money and proper compensation for 'friendly-fire' injuries.

Still, it's good news for the telecoms companies.

When prime minister David 'just call me Sir!' Cameron peed on his own doorstep to confirm Yours Truly's theory about poor managers not being created but being born that way - by laying into senior civil servants as the 'enemies of enterprise' - he was merely carrying on a tradition followed by a long, long line of leaders going back through history.

And Guru thinks he may now have the answer as to why this happens.

The DavePM was rebuked by top civil servant Sir Gus O'Donnell, but somehow still manages to get away with it - much as Gordon Brann, Tony Blurr, Micky Whoward and all the other party leaders have before him.

This got the grey cells moving and after committing himself to 24 hours of serious sleeping, Yours Truly has finally come up with the answer - their all just a bit too tired to think straight.

Cast aside their massive egos and small brains and general inadequacy and a complete lack of ZZZZs throws itself up as the only possible explanation.

Why else would DC do a pact with the Liberals? He was tired. Why did Gordon Brown slag of a bigoted old lady? He was tired. Why did Tony Blair take us to war with Iraq? OK, so maybe he's really got a screw loose, but the underlying message is clear... There's not enough lying of the lying down variety going on in the lives of our leaders - as opposed to the lying through their teeth mode they all seamlessly slip into - instead of their pyjamas.

So Guru suggests some sleep therapists get down to Downing Street at three in the morning and start banging the drum for sleep therapy.

Of course, there is always the danger that telling Mr Cameron to push out the Zeds will having him reaching for the phone as he might think it's another name for illegal immigrant cab drivers.

And talking about taking a wrong turn and driving the wrong way up the motorway - something his predecessor was quite good at (U-turns, that is), it does actually say at regular intervals that 'sleep kills' - something hundreds of thousands of Iraqis would no doubt agree with if they knew their shiney-toothed tormentor had been keeping his eyelids open using chopsticks when the time came to make the critical decision.

Although quite how George Dubya got away with it is more of a baffler, however, as he seemed to be permanently asleep on the job, thus blowing the theory clean out of the water.

Yours Truly is going to sleep on it.

Guru welcomes the news that residents of the UK are outliving our cousins across the pond for the first time. However, the same story also points out that young Brits are getting fatter and fatter by the minute (by the minute steak more like) and that soon we'll be outgunning the 'fattest nation in the world' - ie, America - and be sitting at the top table stuffing our faces while natural disasters pile up around us.

Coincidentally, the unemployment rate among the largely young large people in this country has expanded in line with their waistbands - could the two possibly be linked? - and pretty soon Job Centre Plus is going to have to start fitting extra-wide doors and seats to accommodate the tubsters.

However, Yours Truly has a cunning plan and suggests we do a trade deal with the US.

In return for buying up their large supplies of now largely useless petrol-guzzling large cars - which we could then sell on to unknowing fools... um, sorry, Yours Truly's contacts among our and coming Eastern European entrepreneur chums (who definitely aren't in thrall to US gangster movies) - they could repay the largesse by importing all our largest young unemployed people as they have so much more space (and cheap food) over there. They could even use them as protection against coastal erosion if they wanted to.

After all, we are supposed to have a special relationship with those darn Yankees and if it helps cut unemployment here, so much the better.

News in The Metro that a worker has been awarded £141,000 for allegedly sounding like TV broadcasting legend SpongeBob Squarepants came as quite a big shock to Yours Truly.

Not because of the size of the payout. Nor because of the fact that someone could be bullied for sounding like a cartoon character. No, Guru was astonished by the 'fact' that the bullies in question were quite so dedicated to their task.

Licia Field received her payout after taking AXA PPP Healthcare to tribunal after the harassment led to post-traumatic stress syndrome. But it was all down to the dedication of her colleagues who 'taunted her for 18 months'.

That's right, they 'taunted her for 18 months'. That's a year and a half. Solid. More than 547 days. Solid. 13,128 hours. Solid. To deliver rebukes over such lengthy period requires serious stamina and the 'harassment squad' must have worked in shifts or something to keep it up.

And in a nice caring sharing touch, the employer sent 12 members of staff along to the tribunal - presumably to continue the slating right up until the verdict.

While Yours Truly in no way supports such terrible treatment of a worker in the workplace when it is so clearly against the law and liable to cost him cold hard cash, Roy Castle must be looking on admiringly from above as there is surely a place in the Guinness Book of Records for such dedication.

As the dust settles on the Budget announcement, Guru would like to applaud the chancellor's efforts to make life easier for small businesses. However, there is an elephant in the room - and it's in the shape of an unsightly dinosaur.

Being small-minded, George Osborne quickly grasped the nettle that is the thorny problem of how to promote growth in a stagnating economy and concluded that kicking the only-just-employed where it hurts, ie, in their employment rights, would be a good start.

Of course, Yours Truly understands that small businesses have been clamouring for an 'end to red tape' and bleating for 'less legislation', as treating workers equally from day one, or extending them the right to 'ask' for a bit of extra time off when they have children, and such like, are clearly unjust and unfair to unscrupulous bosses everywhere who want to make a fast buck and ship out no questions asked.

Now, free from the shackles of any kind of responsibility, businesses will be able to set up, crash out, set up, fold five minutes later, set up, declare bankruptcy, set up, ditch all their workers unceremoniously, etc, etc. The circle of business life, as it were. As it were in the 1980s that is.

Guru predicts this return to an 'enterprise culture' - as defined by the newly formed and Margaret Thatcher-fixated Sons And Daughters For Unsung Commerce Kings Everywhere Rejoice Society (write your own acronym here .............) - will undoubtedly shake things up a bit across the UK.

Sadly, he predicts that it's more likely to reawaken the ambitions of the more left-leaning union dinosaurs who have slumbered their way through the past decade. And what with the students and public sector workers already revolting, Yours Predicts a serious winter of discontent... and it's not even summer yet.

Guru welcomes the news that the government is to review the very existence of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, or should that be the Commission for Equality and Human Rights... or is that the Rights and Human Equality Commission?

The investigation is taking place not just because the Natural ToriesTM don't want anything like equal rights as that has been proving somewhat inconvenient. No, the review is purely based on cash - another Toryboy obssession.

Proving that she is not a {male) robot in kitten heels, women's minister Theresa May read from a crib sheet: "We want the EHRC to become a valued and respected national institution, championing effective implementation of equality and human rights laws and holding government and others to account for their performance, while delivering maximum value for money for taxpayers."

Clearly, not entirely convinced by her own statement, nonetheless Yours Truly welcomes the challenge to the Empire of Trevor - Phillips that is.

Clever Trevor has been raking it in with a hoe for some time now. Yet equality is no nearer than it was when he started raking it in with a hoe.

A cynic might suspect that Mr Phillips was in fact a government mole only in place to make sure nothing much happens - in which case Guru applauds his endeavours.

However, Yours Truly suspects he is a naive idealist - and the world needs these chaps to ensure the more unscrupulous amongst us can get away with things.

Of course, HR would benefit from the abolition of all equalities laws. For as many of you hardened personnel professionals know only too well - and in the words of well-known HR fan and sometime autocratic architect Mies van der Rohe - "Less is more".

Sidestepping the obvious fact that 'less' is 'less' and 'more' is 'more', Mr Van der Rohe had a point: The less regulation there is, the more opportunities there are for people to try to make things up as they go along - which, ultimately, means more work for HR practitioners.

So, let's raise a glass - or even a glass ceiling - to less equality, more iniquity, less regulation and more expressions of HR through the medium of dance.