Guru

Image: Rex Features

The Duke of Edinburgh has just turned 90, although one could be forgiven for thinking he’s been in his 90s for the past fifty years - an admirable trait in Guru’s view.

The prince - a leading authority on economics (“Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.”), sex (“You are a woman aren’t you?”) and, of course, race (“Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”) - has now lent his considerable mind to the problems of employment law.

Speaking on his 90th birthday, the prince said, “There is an ageism in this country, as everywhere, and quite rightly so, because I think you go down hill, physically, mentally and everything”. The prince added that it is “better to get out before you reach the sell-by date”. Guru wonders why the Governments ignored these views in rashly forging ahead with its plans to repeal the default retirement age, and asks if it’s not too late to reinstate it.

The prince also shared details of the induction process he underwent after securing his job of being married to a woman who lives in a palace, “There was no precedent. If I asked somebody, ‘What do you expect me to do?’ they all looked blank; they had no idea, nobody had much idea.” When the prince has managed to cope without a 300-page document detailing his duties as Royal Spousal Strategic Relations Manager, Guru wonders why his acquaintances in HR make such a fuss about thorough induction of new recruits. “A thorough induction to the organisation, department, job and the people the new employee will work alongside is essential if the person is to become an effective and motivated member of the team…” they say, as Guru nods off

Image: Rex Features

Hiding among the Daily Mail’s myriad stories about saucily dressed women, was a story that caught Guru’s attention about how pot plants can reduce office sick rates (Stressed at work? Put potted plants on your desk).

Scientists from the Norwegian University of Life Sciences and Uppsala University have discovered - through an exhaustive study of 385 office workers - that the more pot plants people can see, the less sick leave they take. The Mail explains that microbes in the soil of plants are good at removing “volatile, organic compounds that cause stress”. It adds that people consider plants healthy and will, therefore, feel healthier just by seeing these healthy plants.

There is no doubt that many of the delicate souls who phone in sick every time they sneeze will embrace this story with fervour, but Guru has to question quite how many volatile stress-causing compounds you would find in your average office. Would it be approximately none? And how many chemicals have a direct causal relationship with stress? Again… approximately none.

Guru pondered these questions up to the point of noticing that the scientists who conducted the study were called Tina and Virginia. What will Tina and Virginia discover next? Cushions cure cancer? Throws treat typhoid? Potpourri pounds the plague? The world of science awaits…

Image: Rex Features

Guru and Mrs Guru found themselves watching the Apprentice last night after the remote control fell to the floor and out of their respective reaches. Mrs Guru has been campaigning for a vacation from the history channel, so it was a happy coincidence.

We were both bowled over by the brilliance of team “Venture”, which when confronted with the task of designing a free circulation newspaper, decided to target old people with a magazine called “Hip Replacement”, a delightful title that would have old people chuckling heartily while recalling experiences of a painful and invasive operation.

This mirth was short-lived though, as the contestants’ steely-eyed determination increasingly turned Guru’s mind to alarming scientific research suggesting that psychopaths are uniquely well fashioned for business success (How to spot a psychopath at work ).

Guru has often despaired at the now ubiquitous use of personality tests to sift candidates, considering it a blunt replacement for human intuition, but after seeing Mrs Guru charmed into believing that a magazine walking over-60s through the process of dialling a telephone was a good idea, Guru was forced to re-evaluate. Mrs Guru is not a person prone to agreement, but she was soon singing from the “Hip Replacement” hymn sheet.

Consequently, Guru would politely suggest that Lord Sugar add the following questions to The Apprentice candidate personality assessment to help HR identify the psychopaths at the application stage:

1. An employee has a big presentation with a major client. They arrive to work looking tired and tell you that their father died last night. They say they will be fine to present later. How do you proceed?

1. I would find a replacement, asking the employee to brief the replacement and then instruct them to go home and to take some time off.
2. I would allow the employee to present, but would instruct another employee to co-present in the event that the bereaved employee is unable to present.
3. I would contact the client to postpone the meeting, explaining the reasons for the postponement.
4. What’s the problem?

2. A dog is hit by a car and is lying at the side of the road. How do you respond?

1. I call the RSPCA and do what I can to ensure the dog does not suffer while waiting for assistance.
2. I call the police.
3. I carry the dog into my car and drive to the closest vets.
4. I stuff the dog into a bag and drive off; it is possible that I may be able to sell the dog for scrap.