July 9, 2012
|Image: Rex Features|
Guru has been asked by them in charge to ensure preparations are in place for the Olympics. Guru has always been a huge fan of the Olympics. He’s always loved athletics and has some treasured memories of Olympics past: seeing Derek Redmond hobble over the line to complete the 400m after suffering a hamstring injury; Linford Christie taking gold in Barcelona; and, best of all, the imperious Michael Johnson running a hitherto unthinkable time in the 200m in Atlanta.
Despite these cherished memories, Guru now hates the Olympics and will be enacting policies that reflect his hatred for it. There are two main reasons for this newfound hatred: the torch and football. Guru’s many reasons for hating the parade of the torch are well encapsulated by this clip from the torch’s inspiring trip around Britain: Olympic torch: Security team tackle cyclist. In the clip a fairly small boy cycles quite near the torch - as close as ten feet - and gets hauled off his bike by the neck for fear that he might attack and kill the torch. Since when did we attack children to protect torches? If a parent were carrying a child and a torch up some stairs the majority of people would expect the parent to drop the torch if the situation necessitated another hand, yet when it comes to the Olympic torch (a symbolic torch!!!) all reason is abandoned. Reason is abandoned to the extent that a multimillionaire American who makes absolutely terrible music for teenagers, in America, was asked to carry the torch and British people were expected to consider it acceptable, and not an abomination (which it was). And, presumably, if some right-thinking person had leapt out of the crowd to take the damned torch to smash it into one thousand tiny pieces, they’d have been hauled off by the neck to the Olympic Federation’s version of room 101 instead of being celebrated as a hero of rationality over mawkish sentiment.
Guru’s second reason is football. Why is football in the Olympics? It’s a sport played by multi-millionaires who take their holidays in the summer. They don’t want to play football in the Olympics. As if that weren’t insulting enough to the ideals of the Olympics, the one footballer who did want to play wasn’t allowed. As a result of all this, Olympic football will be filled with second-rate footballers who probably don’t really want to be there and they’ll be in every second advert telling us how much they care about the Olympics, when really they don’t.
For all these reasons Guru will be telling his staff that they cannot talk about the Olympics at work unless it is to discuss how unbearable it has made life in London. And nobody at all will be given time off to volunteer, unless it is to join protests against the football or to break the stupid torch.