Guru’s guide to meeting the conversational demands of the workplace

Watching TV is good for your career according to research from Russell Group First. They’ve revealed that watching TV can allow you to talk to other people about TV and that the other people may enjoy the conversation and like you more, directly resulting in promotions and payrises.

Guru has done some research of his own and can reveal that going outside is also good for your career because sometimes people talk about what it’s like outside, and sometimes they might actually be outside and you can talk to them about it. It’s also good to eat because people sometimes talk about food, and if you don’t eat food you won’t be able to talk about it and you’ll be too tired to even tell them that you can’t join in because you don’t eat, which people might consider rude.

Really the key is to balance your life so that it best meets the conversational demands placed on you by your superiors. Following this formula, Guru is devoting 90% of his time outside of work to sitting silently in a dark room and the remaining 10% to listening to Mrs Guru nag him over the various things he hasn’t done, or hasn’t done well enough.