Guru

Alain de Botton gets his knickers in a twist

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:47:32 +0000

Guru would like to point disciples in the direction of this classic case of 'throwing toys out the pram' by author Alain de Botton (snigger) is response to a critical review of his book The Pleasures and Sorrow of Work.

The book is described on his website as "an exploration of the joys and perils of the modern workplace" but was not well received by critic Caleb Crain in the New York Times Book Review.

Crain said "he wasn't crazy" about the book and wrote, in Guru's opinion, a pretty fair assessment. But then De Botton, or someone purporting to be him, posted a message on Crain's blog in response to the review.

And he's not a happy bunny. He accuses Crain of "killing" his book in the US and of "vindictive lunacy" He says, in the style of Harry Enfield's stroppy teenager Kevin: "I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude."

Calm down Alain, deep breaths.

Of course, it could just be someone pretending to be Alain, but Guru prefers to think of this world famous successful author absolutely seething with rage at someone who dared to dislike his latest offering.

Naked Fridays set to boost staff morale

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 09:23:55 +0000

Disciples rejoice! Someone has finally got round to Guru's way of thinking.

Business psychologist David Taylor is pushing the idea of 'Naked Fridays' as a way of boosting team spirit. This is something Guru first mooted at the beginning of the year, although Yours Truly preferred Wednesday as the day to bare all. Let's not quibble over the day, all that matters is that workers are getting their kit off.

Staff at a design and marketing agency in Newcastle spent a day working together naked after being told it would improve their morale. Taylor is quoted in the Daily Telegraph: "Inviting an organisation to go naked is the most extreme technique I've used. It may seem weird but it works. It's the ultimate expression of trust in yourself and each other."

Some spoil sports at the firm didn't go totally starkers, keeping on underwear or donning a posing pouch. If it was down to Guru, these non-compliers would be the first out the door when it was sacking time.

The de-robing was filmed for a one-off TV show called Naked Office, to be shown on 9 July. Guru will definitely be tuning in.

Sir Alan Sugar and his apprentice get sued

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:08:43 +0000

News that a former female employee of Sir Alan Sugar is suing him for sex discrimination comes as no surprise to Guru.

The only surprise is that it's taken some woman this long to work out the publicity and potential cash to be had by taking Sir Alan to tribunal claiming discrimination. In a double whammy, The Apprentice winner from last year, Lee "that's what I'm talking about" McQueen is also getting pinned for making lewd comments.

Hannah Sebright is pictured smiling happily in the Daily Mail, presumably looking forward to her out-of-court settlement that she will no doubt pocket in the near future.

Now Guru is not usually one to agree with the readers of this esteemed journal (surely not, I hear you say), but the comments on the article are worth reading. Not much sympathy for Hannah there.

Guru's favourite is from Ian in Menorca (he presumably was so despondent at the state of the UK that he had to leave).

What a great idea for a new TV series. Rather than concentrating on the selection of new business "apprentices" it can be involved in the preparation and coverage of cases for unfair dismissal at tribunals.
Perhaps a suitable title could be "The Dismissed" with the final punchline... "you're compensated".
ITV and BBC please contact me via the Daily Mail."

Genius!

Sacrebleu! Reality TV contestants gain employment rights

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:40:27 +0000

Three contestants from the French reality TV show 'Temptation Island' have been awarded compensation after a court ruled they have the same entitlements to pay and benefits as employees.

A judge decided that the taking part in the show, called l'Ile de la Tentation amounted to a job in terms of French labour laws, which stipulate that no apathetic Frenchie can be made to work more than 35 hours a week.

Disciples will know that Temptation Island involves separating couples on a tropical island and then seducing them with scantily clad singletons. The judge ruled that this "constitutes a job and therefore justifies an employment contract". Guru is signing up straight away...

Only in France would this decision have been made. Programme makers have warned this could mean the death of reality TV in the country, such as the French version of Big Brother.

So in fact, we should be applauding this sensible judgment and be hopeful that it crosses the Channel and applies in the UK. Anything which kills off the dreadful Big Brother must be considered.

The day from hell - shot and sacked

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 08:05:07 +0000

There's bad days, and then there's really bad days. The next time disciples get home from work and moan at their nearest and dearest about their "horrible day at work", spare a thought for Sean Daley.

Ex-pat Sean was running a mill in Bishkek, which everyone will know is the capital of Kyrgyzstan, when he was shot and sacked on the same day.

He was attacked by unknown gunmen while leaving his home, and while in hospital received a missive from his emplyers, consultancy firm Camco Corporation, dated the day of the attack. Unfortunately it wasn't a get well soon card, but a letter informing him that he had been made redundant.

Talk about kicking a man when he's down. Daley was lucky to be alive and was flown back to the UK for treatment. Doctors eventually had to remove one kidney and part of his other kidney.

He has now been awarded £160,000 in pay arrears after the High Court upheld a original tribunal ruling. It heard that Daley would often borrow money or use his own funds to keep the mill afloat due to a lack of cash.

Camco appealed the original decision accusing Daley of fraud, but the High Court upheld the ruling and also ordered the firm to pay his legal costs.

Guru reckons the next time you have a stinking day at work, think of poor old Sean and thank your lucky stars.

Play HR-Mageddon and rule the office

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 08:21:16 +0000

Here's a new online game to keep disciples amused over the long summer months.

It's called HR-Mageddon and the aim is to take over the office before your rival does. You have to capture cubicles and ultimately win by destroying all of your rival's employees. So not entirely dissimilar to a redundancy situation then.

Hunch - a site that makes decisions for you

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 11:58:22 +0000

Making decisions for some is notoriously difficult. Questions such as: "What should I have for lunch?" "Shall I do a sickie today?" and "Shall I try and get off with the bird in marketing?" have perplexed generations of office workers.

Now there is a website that will answer those tough questions for you. In just 10 simple questions or less, Hunch offers you a "great solution to your problem, concern or dilemma".

Hunch's answers are based on the collective knowledge of everyone that has signed up and asked a question and is designed so that every time it's used, it learns something new. In theory that means the 'hunches' are always getting better.

Guru posed the age-old dilemma: "Should I leave work early?". Disciples should find out the answer for themselves...

Should I leave work early? - make thousands more decisions on Hunch.com

Michael Jackson dies - the unemployed mourn

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:49:51 +0000

Just like when fellow freak of nature Jade Goody left this earth back in March, hundreds, if not thousands of people with nothing better to do will very publicly mourn the death of Michael Jackson today.

And because it's a Friday, expect a few more to phone in sick claiming they are too upset to come to work.

Guru was a big fan of Jacko's music (who, after all, has not attempted to moonwalk at some point in their lives?). But Yours Truly can't say he respected the way he lived his life.

"Badly advised" is the phrase many use when a celebrity or public figure makes a series of strange and poor decisions. Guru prefers to use the word "weirdo".

So where will the flowers be laid by the legions of mourners? Apparently, the word on Twitter, is that a crowd is building up outside the Thriller show in London's West End. That's where Jobcentre Plus should set up and encourage people to sign up after laying their floral tributes.

There's a ready source of low-skilled (low-brained?) labour there to be tapped in to. That's until the next tragic case kicks the bucket and they all take the day off to go and mourn them.

Better still, as it's a Friday, Gordon Brown should declare today a public holiday to honour Wacko Jacko - that way the rest of the workforce can benefit.

Are you a peacock or a sparrow?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:20:49 +0000

An odd question to ask really, Guru actually considers himself to be more of a golden eagle.

You can tell Silly Season is almost upon us: New 'research' by Office Angels has attempted to answer just that. Apparently two fifths of UK office workers daily assess their colleagues' wardrobes and make judgements about them.

Office Angels quizzed 1,000 workers to find out what their working wardrobe says about their working style and have drawn upon the world of bird-watching, drawing comparisons with four feathered friends. Why? Who knows...

HR look-a-likie

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:35:11 +0000

Here's the latest HR look-a-likie, sent in by disciple Rushna.

She says: "Rick Stein is the spitting image of Matt Burghardt - our Asst Director of HR in Bradford! Needless to say, it may be the end of my HR career when he clocks his face staring back at him one day if you were to print this image."

Disciples can judge for themselves...

Please email your suggestions to guru@personneltoday.com

Stripper impersonates police officer

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:40:57 +0000

Where would Guru be without the police? Few bloggers can boast as glorious and constant a source of inspiration. Nary a day goes by without a disciple sending in a police-related story. And today is certainly no exception. Scottish disciple Hamish has brought to Guru's attention a rare incidence of someone aspiring to be a member of the constabulary.

Stuart Kennedy of Aberdeenshire, a police-themed male stripper (no truncheon or helmet jokes, please) is known on stage as Sergeant Eros. The enterprising Kennedy, for a reason known possibly only to himself, fitted a white strobe light to his car's dashboard and, while in uniform, began stopping cars by the roadside .

Peterhead Sheriff Court was told Kennedy was on his way to a stripping job at the Palace Hotel in Peterhead when the first incident involved. Later the same night he pulled over an off-duty firefighter.

Kennedy denied impersonating a police officer, insisting that he used the strobe light so that other drivers could see him. He also denied claims from one of the drivers he stopped that he pretended to talk into the fake police radio attached to his uniform.

Sgt Eros, sorry, Stuart Kennedy was found guilty of fitting his car with a flashing light, two charges of impersonating a police officer, and of having a police uniform and equipment in hus possession.

While the man is undoubtedly an idiot (and a master of the understated, having said that fitting a strobe light to his car "probably wasn't the best idea"), Guru is excited by the possibilities thrown up by the incident. For instance, have the police thought of blaming some of their recent crimes and misdemeaours on impersonators? That alleged waterboarding incident in London, for a start - might that have been the work of a frustrated male stripper? And as for the G20 violence - suddenly it all makes sense.

Police recruitment policies work - for dogs

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 09:40:22 +0000

Police forces across the UK have been somewhat beleagured recently. They've been accused of violently quelling protests. They've even been accused of torturing suspects. Questions have been asked about their recruitment procedures. Who are they hiring, and why?

But Guru is delighted to report that one recruit is proving his worth - and then some.

A springer spaniel called Frog is making a name for himself in the world of drugs hauls. What would have taken days if not weeks for plod took the four-footed genius just a couple of hours, when he unearthed £60,000 worth of drugs, despite their being two feet underground.

And it doesn't stop there. Unlike many of his human colleagues, Frog also boasts (perhaps boasts is the wrong word for such a sophisticated creature) a keen intellect, helping his handler PC Steph Barrett with daily games of Scrabble.

Barrett says: "He'll sit and watch and give me tips. He watches and stares quite intently at the board, helping me."

Guru can't help but wonder why the police's dog recruitment techniques are so obviously better than those they use for their human staff. Woof!

HR look-a-likies - the latest victims

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:23:00 +0000

Guru's disciples are responding well to the call for HR-look-a-likies. This week's pair were again spotted in the pages of Personnel Today, so keep your eyes peeled for any more.

Disciple Nicole reckons shadow Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude, featured on the front page of Personnel Today's 9 June issue, looks like Hollywood lothario Jack Nicholson. "These two guys could defo be twins", she says. Disciples can judge for themselves...

And from page 25 of the same issue, disciple Jennifer thinks Paul Brewer, HR director at Copart UK, bears a striking resemblance to the recently retired Neighbours stalwart Harold Bishop, aka Ian Smith. That's a bit harsh... but everyone was wondering what happened to Harold when he disappeared for five years. Now we know.

Keep your suggestions coming to guru@personneltoday.com

Mickey Mouse recruitment drive

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 10:00:26 +0000

The HR profession has oft been accused of having a touch of Mickey Mouse about it, so Guru is delighted finally to have cold, hard evidence.

Next Wednesday, a crack HR team - perhaps named Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy. Happy, Sleepy and Sneezy - will descend upon the magic castle (Disney UK's Hammersmith office, to those of you not in the know) to weave their magic on the unemployed of London.

Yes, Disneyland Paris is recruiting. Apparently the day's objective is "

to source numerous positions in sales, hotel and hospitality to candidates interested in working for a multicultural company."

This statement has rather piqued Guru's interest. Firstly, what are the cultures of which they speak? Are they looking for workers keen to brush up on their mermaid/ talking animal/ pirate/ tree swinging apeman conversational skills?

And as for the ideal candidate, one can only wonder. Must they be able to sing? Dance? Swing between trees? Breathe underwater?

Most important of all, is there a vacancy for a blue-faced, bald-headed smooth-talking cynic?

First day prank for new office intern

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:54:15 +0000

Guru stumbled across this picture on photosharing site flikr of a superb first-day prank played on the new office intern.

Here is your desk and chair...